


Just A Dream

by TwelveTimes12



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-03-23 08:21:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 64,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3761332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwelveTimes12/pseuds/TwelveTimes12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A few things to keep in mind when reading...</p><p>1. This is an AU based on some real life events. </p><p>2. In this universe Ali and Ash play on a still unnamed club team together. (I haven't decided on a team name yet.)</p><p>3. This story starts at the beginning of the 2011 World Cup.</p></blockquote>





	1. The End & The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things to keep in mind when reading...
> 
> 1\. This is an AU based on some real life events. 
> 
> 2\. In this universe Ali and Ash play on a still unnamed club team together. (I haven't decided on a team name yet.)
> 
> 3\. This story starts at the beginning of the 2011 World Cup.

“Alex, watch the post!” Ashlyn yelled to her girlfriend as they prepared for a corner kick. The team was scrimmaging a nearby men’s college team, and Ash was trying to keep her shutout intact during the closing seconds of the match.

The kick came in high and hard, but Ash was able to snatch it out of the air before it could cause any trouble for the defense. Ashlyn cleared the ball down field as the final whistle blew, signaling the end of the game.

On the way home Ali adjusted the radio of Ashlyn’s Jeep and mindlessly sang along with the songs that played. Ashlyn played with Ali’s hair as it’s lengths whisked into loose curls in the wind that blew throughout the inside of the topless Jeep.

The sun was shining bright, they had a great practice and scrimmage that morning, and now they were spending the rest of the day together. In Ashlyn’s opinion it didn’t get any better than that. She took a moment to cherish the beauty of the scene that was in front of her. The woman she loved was happy and content, and she knew that she was a big reason for that. Life didn’t get much better than that.

Everything seemed perfect.

...

The two athletes had a late lunch at a local cafe and walked hand-in-hand through a small town they lived near. They did their best to keep the day feeling as normal as possible. They were both awaiting a big announcement.

“Baby, what do you wanna do tonight?” Ali asked. She snuck a bite of Ashlyn’s ice cream cone while she waited for her girlfriend’s response.

“I dunno. I guess it depends on what happens between now and then.” Ash answered vaguely. The two of them had a deal not to talk about the phone calls they were both waiting for. They knew that the tone of their evening would depend on the content of the calls.

They were both hopeful for good news.

...

Ashlyn winced as she attempted to take out her frustration and massive disappointment on the punching bag. Her knuckles were on fire from the impact. Ali watched from the top of the stairs leading towards the basement in their shared home. They had their own home gym with weights, cardio equipment, a yoga and stretching area, and a punching bag.

Ashlyn especially liked the punching bag when she was upset.

Ali slowly made her way down the steps and carefully approached her girlfriend. The two women had been together for a couple of years now, and they both knew that a proposal was on the horizon. Marriage and a family was their endgame, but they had both agreed that they would wait until after the World Cup to move into that direction. They wanted to be able to focus 100% on the most important soccer tournament in the world.

“Hey there, hot stuff.” Ali flirted playfully, trying to lighten the tension that Ashlyn was feeling. She knew it had to be hard on her. If the roles were reversed, she wasn’t sure she would be able to handle it as gracefully as her girlfriend.

Ash used her shirt to wipe the sweat from her face. When she lifted the bottom of it up to wipe her forehead and cheeks she exposed her sweat covered abs. Ali almost forgot why she was there and what she wanted to say. Ash smirked as she waited for Ali to regain her composure.

While still staring at Ash’s stomach, that had long ago been covered, Ali cleared her throat and said, “Umm...What....” She couldn’t quite seem to find her words.

Ashlyn used two fingers to tilt Ali’s chin upward until their eyes could meet. She smiled slightly and said, “There you are.”

“Here I am.” Ali answered breathlessly. Ash lightly pressed her lips on Ali’s and smiled into the kiss before pulling away.

“Now, what was it you were saying?” Ashlyn asked. She couldn’t hide her amusement from Ali.

The truth was that Ali was happy to see that she was smiling and focusing on something other than the fact that she did not make the roster for the upcoming World Cup. For Ashlyn, and every other elite soccer player, the World Cup was a life-long dream. It was one thing to never be considered to possibly make it. It was another thing to come as close as Ashlyn did only to miss it by one spot on the depth chart.

“What I was trying to say, before your hotness threw me off, was that I...um...” Ali didn’t want to come out and say exactly what she was there for. She originally came down to offer comfort to her girlfriend, but now she didn’t want to bring it up and make things worse. Ash seemed to be in a happier state of mind since she had stopped her punching workout.

“Spit it out, woman.” Ash said. She already knew the answer but she liked putting Ali on the spot.

Ali was up for the challenge and answered with her own smirk, “I was wondering if my beautiful girlfriend wanted to get dinner.”

Ash chuckled and answered sarcastically, “Sure, that’s why you’re here. It’s not because you’re worried about me and my feeeeeelings.” Ash said, emphasizing the word ‘feelings.’

“So what if I am?” Ali replied. “I’m allowed to care about you. I’m allowed to worry about you when you’re disappointed. You deserve to be there too, Ashlyn. And it’s not fair that...”

Ashlyn cut her off before she could finish. “You are NOT allowed to worry about me today! I’m serious, Alex. This is your day. We are gonna celebrate and get drunk.”

“We are not getting drunk, Ash.”

“Yes, we are. It’s time for us to blow off some steam.”

Ashlyn wasn’t ready to let her own failure take the spotlight from Ali’s success. At least not on the day that her girlfriend found out that she was going to live out her dreams.

...

“Baby, I don’t feel like going out tonight. Why can’t we just stay in and watch a movie or something?” Ali asked. She cuddled into Ashlyn from behind and put one arm around her waist and another up around Ashlyn’s chest. She pulled her into a tight embrace as she rested her chin on her shoulder. Ali leaned her head against Ashlyn’s and said, “I don’t want to go out. I want to hold you all night.”

Ashlyn turned her head to the side and kissed Ali’s cheek. “That sounds perfect.” She said. “But first we’re gonna have some fun. I’m proud of you, Babe. I’m not gonna let my...” Ash paused to think of a word that Ali would allow her to say about herself without getting defensive and trying to correct her. “...inadequacies...Im not going to let my inadequacies rob you of your moment. This is your day, Alex. We aren’t gonna sit around and feel bad on the day that you found out that you get to show everyone that you’re the best right back in the world.” Ash said proudly.

“You’re ridiculous.” Ali said, referring to the ‘best right back in the world’ comment.

“I’m honest.” Ash replied. “You deserve this. I would hate myself if you missed out on even a little bit of the joy that you deserve to have because of me.”

“You’re my joy.” Ali said sweetly.

“And you’re mine. So please, don’t let anything stop you from savoring this. I know that it’s complicated, but when it all comes down to it, your happiness makes me happy. So, let’s go be happy together.”

“You’re one in a million.” Ali said right before she spun Ash around and kissed her hard.

It took an hour of drinking and dancing to get Ali to forget about Ashlyn’s troubles. After that she was toasting to herself in celebration for the rest of the night. Ali’s joy made Ash feel lighter. It was nothing short of heartbreaking for her to miss out on her dream, but Ali held the biggest part of her heart, and that part was going to the World Cup.

...

As Ali practiced and prepared with the national team over the next few months, Ash watched with a twinge of pain in her chest. She knew that the journey wasn’t over for her, but without knowing where her life’s hard work would lead her she wondered if the sacrifice was going to be worth it.

She was beginning to feel that any hope of a chance at the World Cup would never be a reality. It would always be _just a dream_.


	2. Walk Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things to keep in mind when reading...
> 
> 1\. This is an AU based on some real life events. 
> 
> 2\. In this universe Ali and Ash play on a still unnamed club team together. (I haven't decided on a team name yet.)
> 
> 3\. This story starts at the beginning of the 2011 World Cup.

“Baby, did you watch? Did you see it?” Ali asked excitedly.

She had snuck away from the large group of people who had met with the team to celebrate their recent win. The crowd was made up of family and friends of the players. The group was loud and happy. Ali had to put some distance between herself and the celebration to have any chance at hearing her girlfriend on the phone.

The team had just won the semi-final match. Ali made the game winning penalty kick to send them to the final. She was grateful that her parents and brother were able to be at the game, but she wished Ash could've made it too.

“Of course I saw it!” Ash answered. “You were amazing!”

“I wish you were here.” Ali lamented. Ashlyn was needed by their club team. She couldn’t leave for too many days at a time. “Maybe coach will let you fly out for the final.” Ali said hopefully.

Ash had already worked it out with their coach. She was planning to surprise Ali the day before the final match.

Ash answered vaguely, “Maybe. I hope so. But even if I don’t get to make it, you know that I will be cheering for you as loud as my voice will allow.”

“It sounds like you were already cheering loud.” Ali comments. “Your voice sounds raspy.” Ali laughed and then added, “It’s sexy.”

Ash had to take a breath. She was anticipating their long awaited reunion and ached for Ali’s touch. Ali wasn’t trying to have this effect on her, but it had been a long time since they had been together. The days and nights were getting lonelier and lonelier for Ashlyn.

Ali heard Ashlyn’s breathing change. She knew she missed her. Ali missed her too. She knew that Ashlyn had a lot of mixed emotions about the situation. More than anything though, she knew that Ash was proud of her.

“Baby, I miss you.” Ali said sweetly. “We’ll be together soon.” Ali said, wanting to comfort her girlfriend.

Ali’s sentiment caused a mischievous smile to form on Ashlyn’s lips. She couldn’t wait to surprise her girlfriend.

...

“You’re here!” Ali cheered. She hugged her girlfriend. The force of her excitement almost knocked Ashlyn over.

Ashlyn didn’t say anything at first. She just wanted to cherish the reality of finally being able to hold the love of her life in her arms.

“Ash?” Ali said and shook her girlfriend to get her attention.

“Oh, sorry.” Ash said, a little embarrassed. Ash had met her in her room and Ali’s family was watching their reunion. Ash lifted her up in a hug and turned them around so that their positions were switched. Now Ali was the one facing her parents, and Ashlyn’s back was all the Krieger family could see.

Ashlyn set Ali down and whispered, “I missed you so much. I couldn’t wait any longer to see you.” Ashlyn kissed Ali’s lips quickly, not wanting to make a big scene. She buried her face into Ali’s neck and lifted her up one more time in a warm embrace before setting her back down and taking a step back.

Ali thought her girlfriend’s bashfulness was sweet. She threaded their fingers together and held on to Ashlyn’s hand for the rest of the night.

...

Ashlyn watched from her seat in the crowd as the USA lost the World Cup Final in penalty kicks. The entire team was devastated, but there was only one person she was focused on. Ali put on a brave face. Ash watched as her girlfriend visited with her family, who had front row seats. Ashlyn was too far away to get to Ali anytime soon.

She stayed seated with her hands over her face and kept her eyes fixed on a certain defender.

...

The closing ceremonies for the World Cup felt longer than usual as the second place team. It was painful for Ash to watch as the US players tried to keep their emotions at bay. Ashlyn was able to make it down to where her girlfriend's parents were seated and sat next to Ali’s brother as they waited.

After Ali and the team received their second place silver medals and watched as Japan was awarded their gold medals, Ali returned to where her family was seated. She gave Ashlyn a sad smile and then addressed her parents.

“The team is going to have a meeting after we shower and finish up interviews. I’ll call you when I can get away.” Ali did her best to pull herself up enough to let her family hug her. She didn’t attempt to hug Ashlyn, but she did reach her hand up to give Ash’s hand a squeeze.

Ash knew Ali wasn’t comfortable being affectionate in public. She was fine when they were at home and in a normal, everyday environment, but in front of crowds of people who knew her as a ‘famous soccer player’ she would rather keep their personal lives private. Ashlyn didn’t care about that, she understood completely. However, she was aching to hold Ali and offer her some comfort.

...

Ashlyn received a text from Ali around 9pm:

_“I’m gonna spend some time with my family. They leave early tomorrow morning. I’ll call you later.”_

Ashlyn wasn’t happy with Ali’s plan to not include her in her plans, but she didn’t want to make things worse for Ali.

She texted her back:

_“Talk to you later. Love you.”_

Ali not only didn’t text her back, but she never called that night either.

...

Ash stayed up all night going over and over in her head why Ali wouldn’t have contacted her. She tried not to be angry, but the fact that she had gone to such great lengths to surprise Ali and be there for her made her wonder if Ali even cared that she was there.

Ashlyn had a sick feeling in her stomach when she saw her girlfriend the next morning. She had yet to hear from her, but she knew Ali’s family would want to see her before they left. She hugged each family member as if everything was fine. Once they had left Ash waited for Ali to make the next move.

Her sadness was replaced with a hurt anger when Ali said, “I’ve gotta go. We have interviews and stuff.” Ali looked around to see if anyone was watching them. Ashlyn could see her girlfriend noting the people around them and choosing to keep her distance from her. She had hoped that Ali would ignore her inner voice that constantly told her to hold back.

Ali’s lack of affection and inconsideration was taking it’s toll on Ashlyn’s heart.

“Well, I guess I’ll just hang out by myself like I did all night yesterday.” Ash said. Her disappointment was mixed with a bitter bite and Ali recognized it right away...but she let it go. She didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with Ashlyn’s issues at that moment.

“I’ll call you later.” Ali promised.

Ash nodded, thinking in the back of her mind that she needed to prepare herself to be disregarded again. She cleared her throat awkwardly. Ali knew that Ash always did that when she was trying not to cry. Ash nodded again when she realized she couldn’t speak without breaking. She offered a small wave and retreated to her room.

Ali watched her walk away and knew that she had messed up.

...

Ali stared at her phone. The team had finished their last interviews with the media and had had their last meeting. They still had to travel together to New York to do a popular morning show, so she couldn’t just leave and go home with Ashlyn.

Ali knew she had to apologize, and even worse she had to explain how she was feeling. The loss of the World Cup final game was heartbreaking and she felt like she was being selfish by feeling sorry for herself, but she honestly felt horrible. She didn’t know how to move past it, and she certainly didn’t know how to share it with Ashlyn.

Ali ‘s thumb hovered over the call button on her phone. She had Ash’s number pulled up and all she had to do was dial. After 10 minutes of stalling, Ali opted to text Ash instead.

_“Can I come to your room?”_

Normally Ali wouldn’t feel the need to ask, but she honestly didn’t know if Ash would want to see her.

Ash replied almost immediately.

_“I’m at the hotel bar.”_

Ali would’ve rather met Ash in private, but she wasn’t going to complain. She quickly agreed to meet her there.

...

Ashlyn was sitting at the bar drinking a beer. Ali watched her toss a few peanuts in her mouth as she stared intently at a soccer game on a television in front of her. Ali took a deep breath and made her way toward her girlfriend.

Ali sat on the empty stool next to her and said, “Studies show that peanuts at a bar have more bacteria than a toilet seat.” Ali couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. She felt so graceless. She was all nerves.

Ash didn’t take her eyes off of the tv as she took another handful of nuts and tossed them in her mouth. Apparently Ashlyn wasn’t worried about germs.

“Ash, I’m sorry. I’ve been treating you horribly.” Ali apologized.

“Why?” Ash asked. “What did I do wrong?” She took her eyes off of the screen and placed them on Ali.

Ashlyn had gone from feeling like the best girlfriend in the world to feeling like an afterthought at best and an inconvenience at worst.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Ali explained. “It’s my fault. I didn’t know how to share what I was feeling.”

“So, you felt the best thing to do was to stay away from me?” Ash asked. She couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice.

Ali didn’t know what to say. The truth was that she really did feel like the best thing for her to do was to avoid Ashlyn, at least until she had figured out her thoughts and feelings.

But of course she couldn’t say that.

“Ash, I’m sorry about that. I was feeling horrible.” Ali corrected herself. “I am still feeling horrible. Last night and today I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but I had to do team stuff and be reminded constantly that I failed. I’m sorry that I did the wrong thing. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Ashlyn was starting to understand what Ali was dealing with emotionally, but what she couldn’t understand was why Ali didn’t share that with her in the first place. She wondered why Ali didn’t want her comfort.

“Well...” Ash said sounding exhausted and sad, “I’ve gotta go.” Ali hadn’t noticed that Ashlyn had her luggage with her.

“You’re leaving?” Ali asked finally putting it together.

“I told you it was a quick trip.”

“Ash...I...” Ali stammered.

“It’s fine, Alex.” Ash said. She looked around, just like Ali had done earlier, and knew that there was no point in her trying to share an affectionate moment with her girlfriend. There were too many people around who might notice. “I”ll see you at home.”

Ashlyn picked up her bag from the floor and said, “Sorry about everything. I really hope you find whatever it is you need to feel better.”

“Ash, wait!” Ali said. She grabbed her arm as she walked by her. Ashlyn froze in her tracks, but didn’t turn around to face her.

Ali put her head down when the little voice in her head told her that she was making a scene and that people were watching her. She released Ash from her grip. Ashlyn understood what was going on. She was all too familiar with the scenario. The only difference this time was that it hurt more than it ever had before.

Ashlyn didn’t say a word. Once Ali had let go of her arm, Ash let go of her desire to make things right with Ali before she left.

For the second time that day Ali watched her girlfriend walk away, knowing that she had really messed up.


	3. A Great Loss

Ali watched Ashlyn walk away. She hoped that her girlfriend would turn around and offer some sort of smile, but Ash stayed the course and left without any inclination that she regretted having to leave.

Ali sat back down where she had first found Ash sitting. She finished off her girlfriend's beer and ordered another. She thought over the last couple of days and wished that she could’ve done things differently. She wished she could have done things better.

“I treated her like she wasn’t important.” Ali said to herself.

“What was that?” The bartender asked. He had returned with the beverage she ordered. 

“Sorry, I was talking to myself.” Ali explained in embarrassment.

“Relationship trouble?” He asked. It wasn’t the first time he had a heartbroken person sitting at his bar.

“Yeah.” She admitted.

“Whoever the fella is that is upsetting you is a fool. You seem like a catch to me.” The man said with a charming smile. He wasn’t hitting on her, he was simply trying to cheer her up. 

Ali thought about correcting him and telling him that the person she loved was a woman and not a ‘fella,’ but she felt ashamed. Which in turn, made her feel worse.

The man noticed that Ali didn’t have a response for him. He took that as a signal that he had overstayed his welcome. He left after saying, “Let me know if I can get you anything else.”

Ali smiled politely and thanked him for his help. She took a sip of her drink and brainstormed how she was going to fix things with Ashlyn.

...

The trip home for Ashlyn was absolutely depressing. She had planned to have a romantic and thoughtful reunion with her superstar girlfriend, but instead she felt the distance between them had grown. When Ash arrived at their shared home, she went straight to bed. She was exhausted, and sleep allowed her to escape the world for a while.

When Ashlyn woke up everything she was trying to forget came rushing back like a flood. Ali’s rejection gnawed at her and made her question everything. She tried to fall back to sleep but she couldn’t get her mind to quiet down. All she could think of was Ali’s behavior. She knew it was unfair to hold it against her. Ali was going through a difficult time, but it was Ali’s lack of willingness, and most of all desire, to share her struggle with Ashlyn that hurt the most. 

Ash sighed loudly and sat up. She slowly made her way out of bed. As she shuffled towards the door to get to the bathroom, she tripped over her luggage from the trip. She cursed herself, the bag, and everything inside the small suitcase and walked out.

...

Ali returned home the following day. Ash was at practice when Ali’s taxi pulled up to their house. Ali felt an emptiness when she entered through the front door. Normally it would feel good to finally be home, but her status with Ashlyn made her feel guilty. The house they shared only magnified that feeling.

The two of them had shared a few texts over the last two days, but the messages were just small talk. The real issues were never brought up. Ali scrolled through the few messages on her phone and reread every single one that Ashlyn had sent. She was trying to find something that maybe she had missed that would communicate some sort of hopeful intent from her girlfriend’s words. 

She found nothing.

...

In her opinion, Ash had a horrible practice. She was emotionally and physically exhausted. Her body ached, and she didn’t know if it was because of her broken heart or because of the hard diving saves she had made. 

She leaned her head forward against the tile wall of the locker room shower and let the hot water leave burning streams down her skin. She felt a release as her tears mixed with the water of the shower. At least she knew the truth, she thought. Ash believed that it was better for her to hurt now than to let it go on. It would only get more painful as time passed.

As Ashlyn finished packing her practice gear, she dreaded having to go home. She knew Ali was there and more than likely would want to talk about what had happened. In Ashlyn’s mind that trip to Germany changed everything. 

Ali had no idea what Ash had planned for her. If she had known she would have done things differently.

...

While Ali waited for Ashlyn to come home, she decided to do some housework. She hoped that vacuuming, dusting, and laundry would take her mind off of the mess that she had created with Ash. She emptied all the hampers and washed their bedsheets and bathroom towels. Ali was running out of things to distract her. She searched the house thoroughly for something else to wash. 

She stopped looking when she found Ashlyn’s small carry-on bag from her trip.

Ali unzipped the closed bag and dumped it’s contents on the floor. She felt an ache in her heart when she saw her jersey. She had given it to Ash as a gift. She wanted Ash to wear it with pride. 

She continued to clean out the inner pockets of the bag. Ali’s breath caught in her throat when she found a black velvet box. She almost wished it wasn’t what she knew it was. She had a feeling she had ruined everything.

“I was planning to propose if we won.” Ash said. She had been standing in the doorway unnoticed for several minutes.

Ali was breathless. All she could manage to do was cry. Ashlyn knelt down beside her and put her hands over Ali’s. She took the box from Ali’s fingers and stood back up. For a moment Ali thought that her girlfriend had come over to comfort her, but she was only interested in taking the ring from her. 

It wasn’t until Ali heard Ashlyn’s footsteps heading towards the door that she found her voice. 

“Ash, I am so sorry.” She sobbed.

“It’s probably for the best.” Ash answered.

Ashlyn was almost glad things happened the way they did. If Ali was ashamed to show her affection in public and unwilling to go to her when she needed comfort, then what was the point of pursuing a future together?

As Ashlyn left a distraught and broken Ali on the floor of their bedroom she said, “You’re not the only one who lost something that day.”


	4. The Thread

Ali bolted up from her knees and ran to Ashlyn before she could get far. Ashlyn already felt too far away as it was. She got to her girlfriend just in time to see Ashlyn place her would-be engagement ring in the top drawer of the guest room nightstand. 

“Ash can we talk for a minute?” Ali asked cautiously.

With almost no emotion in her voice Ashlyn answered, “Sure.” 

Ashlyn sat down on the guest bed and waited for Ali to speak. Ali wasn’t happy about having this conversation in their extra bedroom. It felt too much like Ash was considering moving into the room and out of their shared one.

“Ash, I am really sorry about what happened in Germany. I would change it if I could.” Ali explained. She sat down at the opposite end of the bed and continued, “I had no idea what you were intending to do.” She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes as she tried to figure out the right words to say. “Ashlyn, I never wanted to hurt you.”

And there it was. 

Ali couldn’t say that she wished Ash would’ve proposed. She couldn’t tell her that she would’ve said yes, because if she said those things she would have been lying to the woman she loved.

Ashlyn heard Ali loud and clear.

“I get it, Alex. But what I don’t understand is why you seemed to be onboard with marrying me all along. What made you change your mind? Did I do something wrong?” Ashlyn asked. 

She was trying to be mature about the whole thing, but her entire life was being held together by a thin, fragile thread.

“Ash, it’s not like that.” Ali answered. She didn’t really know what else to say, so she settled for an overused cliche. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

A heartbroken chuckle left Ashlyn’s throat. She never saw it coming. “So...you want to break up.” Ash said, voice still almost completely void of emotion. 

“Ash...I...” Ali started. She did NOT want to break up, but when she saw how much she had hurt Ashlyn, she began to think that maybe the most loving thing she could do was to let her go.

“Just say it.” Ashlyn pushed. Holding on to the frayed thread of hope was getting harder and harder.

“Ashlyn...” Ali breathed. “I think we need some time to think. We’re both emotional right now.”  


 “Emotional.” Ash repeated. “I don’t think I can be any other way when it comes to you, Alex.” Ashlyn’s tone turned angry. “I don’t know what you want from me.” Ash said. 

Tears were starting to rise up in her eyes. Ashlyn’s hurt and anger were starting to mingle together and bubble over. She couldn’t keep a lid on them any longer. She stood up from the bed and walked over to Ali so that she was standing above her when she asked, “Why am I not enough for you?”

Ashlyn didn’t wait for an answer. She wiped her eyes and retreated to their home gym in the basement. She had a punching bag to murder.

...

Ali sat waiting in the kitchen for Ashlyn to finish her impromptu workout. She didn’t really know if Ash would want to talk to her, or even see her, but she didn’t want to assume anything. She didn’t want to make things worse. Ali blamed herself and felt a weight of shame that was suffocating. 

When Ali heard Ashlyn’s footsteps on the stairs leading up from their basement, she straightened herself up in her chair at the kitchen table and readied herself to see Ashlyn. Ash pushed the door open and stopped when she saw Ali. They caught each other’s eyes and both held their breath. It was awkward and somber. Neither of them were used to feeling this way when they were together.

“I made some coffee.” Ali offered. She held out Ashlyn’s favorite mug. She had placed it next to her own, waiting for Ash to come up. Ali stood up without any signal from Ashlyn and filled the cup. She set the mug on the table, but when Ashlyn didn’t move towards it she brought it over to her.

The two of them often would sit and talk over coffee. It was always Ali’s favorite time of the day. She was hoping that Ashlyn would accept her unspoken invitation. 

Unfortunately, Ashlyn wasn’t ready to talk yet.

“Ash...” Ali said. She had gathered all the courage she had and continued, “I want you to know that I do want to marry you. These are all my issues that are causing...” Ali pointed to the distance between them and said, “this....Ashlyn, I am truly sorry for hurting you.”

Ash cleared her throat and said, “I know. And I’m sorry, but I have my own issues and they include feeling really shitty about how you treat me.”

“Ashlyn, that’s not fair! Can you at least let me apologize without being mean about it?” Ali said defensively. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I making things hard for you?” Ash asked sarcastically. 

She was really not ready to talk. Ali should have let her be...but her pride wouldn’t let her.

“You know what, Ashlyn?!...You’re all mad at me because of something that I’m struggling with that is completely normal for people to struggle with. Maybe you’re being a little selfish by pushing me to do something that I’m not ready to do.” Ali said. She only half meant it, but her tone was accusing and she couldn’t take it back.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I was pressuring you.” Ash said angrily. Her tone was mocking and her heart was beginning to harden. “We’ve only been together for three years and share a home together. I call your parents ‘mom’ and ‘dad,’ for crying out loud. I must be the most selfish person in the world to think that you might actually value me enough to acknowledge that I am a part of your life.” 

Ashlyn’s rant started off angry, but by the end she had broken and the last few words were shaken from the lump that had found it’s place in her throat. Ash swallowed hard and carefully set her coffee on the table. 

“I’m gonna go for a run.” Ash said in an eerily calm manner. Ashlyn’s body couldn’t take much more physical exertion, but she didn’t know what else to do. The pain in her bones and muscles made the sharp stabbing feeling in her chest lessen a little. It was still there, but the extra exertion gave her mind something else to focus on.

Ali waited for Ash to leave to say one more time, “I’m sorry.”

...

When Ashlyn returned from her run she immediately went to the refrigerator to grab a water. She stopped before she opened the door. Ali had left her a note. She pulled the envelope from the grip of the magnet and exhaled hard. She knew it wasn’t going to be an easy read.

Ali didn’t seal it, she knew how much Ash hated opening sealed envelopes. Ali always teased her about the rough manner in which she opened her mail. The envelopes were always torn and jagged by the time she got done with them. 

Ash sat down at the table, where Ali had previously tried to get her to sit with her to talk. She felt the pain coming on stronger. She knew that whatever Ali had to say was going to break her heart. She assumed that her girlfriend...or ex-girlfriend?...was gone. 

Whatever Ali had written in the note would set the two women on a path that would either lead them farther apart, or bring them back together.

Ashlyn stood up and stared at the envelope for a few moments before sitting back down and finding out her fate.


	5. Holding Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be too hard on me if there are editing errors. I have a crazy day ahead and wanted to get this up for you.

Ashlyn carefully folded the paper back to how she had found it and slipped it into the envelope. She deliberately examined every detail. 

Every word. 

Every stroke of Ali’s pen. 

Ashlyn still had questions, but Ali never said that she was breaking up with her. She did, however, say that she would be staying at her father’s house for a few days to let things settle. 

Ali had apologized half a dozen times throughout the letter. Ashlyn knew she meant it. She knew that Ali would never purposely try to hurt her. Ashlyn began to question the ground that she was standing on in their fight. She questioned herself. Was she being selfish, like Ali had accused?

Ashlyn had had a long practice earlier that day after a night of fitful sleep. She had two tough workouts after she had returned home and saw Ali. She was beginning to feel not only physically exhausted but also an emotional wave of sorrow wash over her. 

Ash brought the envelope containing Ali’s letter with her to their shared bedroom and laid down in their bed. She turned to her side and rested her head on Ali’s pillow. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep breathing in Ali’s scent. 

...

Ali hated it, but she stayed away for a week. The only time they spoke to each other was when it was necessary for their team’s success. Both women ached to make things right, but there wasn’t a simple fix. Ali had hurt Ashlyn, but Ali was working through her own personal journey. She couldn’t properly love Ashlyn unless she continued to labor through her own issues first. 

Ashlyn deserved Ali’s best, and Ali wanted to give it to her. 

...

When Ali returned to the house after her week with her dad, she found that Ash had moved some of her things into the guest room. Ash said she thought it would be better for them if they had separate rooms for a while. The real reason for the move was that after trying to sleep in their bed without Ali, Ashlyn found it impossible to sleep. She moved the first night she was alone.

Ali had planned their first night back together in the house. She was going to make Ashlyn’s favorite food for dinner and hopefully talk things out, but Ash informed her that she had plans. 

Ashlyn said she had plans for the rest of the week.

It was obvious to Ali that her girlfriend was avoiding her. She really couldn’t blame her, but Ashlyn’s absence in her life hurt like nothing she had ever felt before.

...

Ali waited outside the bathroom door for her girlfriend to finish getting ready for the day. She wanted to break the ice and at least start some kind of progress in their reconciliation. When Ashlyn came out in only a towel, Ali lost her breath. She froze in her place, causing an awkward silence. Ash stared at her for a moment in confusion until it dawned on her what Ali was doing there and why she was so flustered.

“Alex? You ok?” Ash asked. It was the first olive branch of concern Ash had offered Ali since their big fight. 

“I..uh...yeah, sorry. I was..um...distracted.” Ali admitted bashfully. The heat she felt in her cheeks had already given her away.

Ashlyn watched her sympathetically. She noticed her tired eyes and her downcast face. Ali was miserable. 

“What was it that you needed?” Ash asked. She felt a moment of compassion overtake her. She had done her best to ignore Ali for her own sanity, but she couldn’t ignore her now. She didn’t have the strength. She loved her too much.

Ali put her head down. Ash knew it was because she felt guilty and ashamed.

“You can tell me, Alex.” Ash said with a tone so gentle and kind that Ali wanted to cry.

“I wanted to ask if we could talk about some things.” Ali said quietly. She was expecting Ashlyn to deny her request. Before she knew it she was begging her, “Please, Ash. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t bear it any longer.”

Ashlyn had long forgotten that she was standing there in a towel. All that separated her vulnerable nakedness was a thin layer. In that moment she felt like the same could be said about her heart.

Ashlyn didn’t answer right away. There was plenty for them to talk about, but the words seemed few and hard to say. 

Ali petitioned again. “Please.”

Ashlyn looked down to avoid Ali’s pleading eyes and finally remembered that she was undressed. She used that as an excuse to buy more time. “If you don’t mind,” Ash said. “I’m gonna get dressed.” 

Ashlyn started walking toward the guest room but turned around at the last second and said, “We can sit and have coffee after I change.”

Progress.

...

It took Ashlyn a little longer than it should have to get dressed, but Ali knew it was time Ash needed to ready herself for their conversation. Ali already had the coffee made and Ashlyn’s mug in it’s rightful spot...right next to hers. 

When Ash arrived she sat down in her usual chair, which was close enough to Ali so that they could hold hands while sharing a cup of coffee every morning. This routine had stopped once Ali returned from the World Cup, but it was still all too familiar. And the closeness only seemed to emphasize how far apart they were from each other.

“Would you like a snack?” Ali asked. All she wanted was to take care of Ashlyn.

“No, I’m good. I don’t have much of an appetite these days.” Ash answered. She realized that what she had said may have been interpreted as a jab or an accusation, as if Ali was the cause of her inability to eat. So Ash quickly added, “Thank you, though.” To soften the blow.

“I know what you mean.” Ali replied. “I haven’t been too hungry either.”

Ash nodded. That was something they had in common. Life was much harder when they were apart. Anything that used to bring them joy in the past was dulled by the ache they had for one another.

“What did you wanna say?” Ash asked. She already knew the topic of conversation. 

Ali shifted nervously in her seat and stared at her steaming cup of coffee in front of her. “I wanted to say that I love you. I hate that I hurt you.” Ali looked up to catch eyes with Ashlyn to let her know her words were sincere, but Ash quickly flicked her gaze downward to avoid contact.

“Ashlyn...” Ali said in a bolder voice. She waited for her girlfriend to slowly look up. “You are my dream woman. I couldn’t wish for anyone better and more amazing than you. I’m dealing with things and I hate that I am putting you through this, but I don’t know how else to go about it. I don’t want to hold anything back when it comes to you and me. You deserve ALL of me, and that’s what I want to give you.”

“But...” Ash interrupted. She was touched by what Ali was saying, but knew there was more coming.

“But...right now I can’t give you what you deserve. And that’s where we are. That’s the huge chasm that we have to cross.” Ali explained.

“That’s where we are.” Ash repeated. She was literally so close to the love of her life she could smell the scent of her shampoo and see the golden reflection of the light in her brown eyes. But the physical distance between them meant nothing. Relationally she felt like the Grand Canyon needed to be crossed before they could truly be together again. 

“So, what do you want me to do?” Ash asked. She was willing to do anything to get Ali back.

“I feel so selfish asking this.” Ali said. “But can you wait for me?”

Ash took a sip of her coffee and answered, “I don’t know.”


	6. Because I Love You

“I don’t know.” Ash answered her girlfriend’s request to wait for her to sort through her inner conflict. 

Ali didn’t know how to respond to that. She was sincerely trying to be the best partner in life for Ashlyn. Her insecurities made her feel like she was keeping Ashlyn from true happiness. 

Ashlyn knew she had to explain. She didn’t want to hurt Ali. “Al, we’ve been together for years. I feel like we should be past this by now. If you’re asking me to wait another three years...I just don’t know if I can do that.” Ashlyn looked down at her coffee mug and sighed. “I don’t know if my heart can take it.”

“I understand.” Ali answered. She folded her hands nervously in her lap and said, “Ash, I know it’s a lot to ask. I honestly don’t understand why it’s so hard for me. I feel like everyone is judging me. I feel like there are certain expectations that people have for me, and I don’t want to let anybody down.”

“Why do you care so much about what people think? That’s what I don’t understand. You have people who care about you and accept you with open arms. We’ve built a life together. I just don’t get it.” Ashlyn countered.

“I know!” Ali cried out in a mix of frustration and guilt. “Ash, I know...But I don’t know how to make the voice in my head stop caring. When we were in Germany and had just lost the final, all I wanted was to fall apart in your arms. I promise you, baby. That’s all I wanted. But I kept worrying about who might see. I know that it makes me a terrible person to care more about being judged than hurting you. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could make it up to you. All I can think about everyday is that I knowingly CHOSE to hurt you. I can’t live with myself.”

“You didn’t CHOOSE to hurt me, Alex. You were overcome by emotions and had a bad day.” Ashlyn said, trying to offer Ali some release from the guilt she was carrying.

Ali confessed, “Until the World Cup, we had been able to do our thing mostly unnoticed. I felt like everything exploded overnight. There are so many people watching me now. I wasn’t prepared for this. I feel like I’m under a microscope, and honestly, I’m not sure what people will find.” 

“What do you mean?” Ash asked in confusion. 

Ali answered as honestly as she could, “I feel like I’m insecure about who I am, and because of that I’m hiding...even from myself.”

Ashlyn was an open book to the world. She didn’t care what anyone, except the people who were closest to her, thought. She was having a great deal of difficulty trying to understand Ali’s perspective.

“You still want to marry me, right? Like...not now, but in the future?” Ash asked. She wasn’t certain of where Ali was heading. “You’re not changing your mind about being gay, are you?” Ashlyn asked anxiously.

“YES, I still want to marry you!” Ali blurted out. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you and raise babies with you. But you deserve someone who will walk proudly beside you without any hesitation. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m just not there yet.”

Ashlyn loved proudly. Ali’s confession was hard for her to understand. “So...do you like think that there’s something wrong with being gay? Or is it just me? Do you think it’s wrong for you to love me?”

“I know that it’s not wrong.” Ali clarified. “But I can feel everyone judging me and it makes me feel like I have something to hide.” Ali reached for Ashlyn’s hand and said, “I’m sorry. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. I’m honesty still trying to figure it out myself.”

“Ok...” Ash said unconvinced of Ali’s logic. “So, what exactly is it that I’m waiting for? Am I waiting for you to hold my hand in public? Am I waiting to propose to you again? Because we live together. We work together. We have a life that has been built together. How do we continue with this?”

“Ash, I don’t want you to go anywhere. I don’t want things to change between us.”

“But EVERYTHING has changed!” Ash replied. Her head was spinning trying to put the pieces of their world back together. “We hardly ever talk anymore. We’re sleeping in different rooms.”

Ali cut Ashlyn off and pointed out that she was the one who moved rooms. “Ash, I don’t want it that way! You were in the guest room when I got back.” 

“You left me! I didn’t know when you were coming back, or IF you were coming back. I couldn’t stop crying in our room. Everything reminded me of you.” Ashlyn said on the defensive. “I thought I lost you.”

“Baby, I never wanted you to feel that way! I was trying to protect you. Everything I said seemed to hurt you. I was trying to give you space.” Ali offered. She was desperate for Ashlyn to know her intentions.

Ash sighed loudly and lowered her forehead until it rested on the table. She closed her eyes in surrender and said, “I give up.”

Those three words scared Ali. She hoped that she wasn’t giving up on her.

“Please don’t give up.”

“I mean...There’s nothing that I can do.” Ash said. “I’ll wait for you, but you should know something.”

“What?” Ali asked.

“You’re breaking my heart.”

...

The following weeks were awkward and hard for the women. They were still living together and they had tried to communicate more, but affection was something Ashlyn didn’t welcome. She felt that it wasn’t fair for Ali to try to act like everything was fine behind closed doors, but then to treat her differently when others were around. 

Ali was making little to no progress in her journey to understand her insecurities and confused feelings. She thought that she could fix this, but it was clear that she needed to talk to someone who could help her understand what she was going through. She was embarrassed to admit that she didn’t know herself well enough to handle it on her own.

...

“Ash, things will be better when I get back.” Ali promised. 

She had overheard Ash crying in the guest room. She knocked on the door softly and waited for Ash to invite her in. She felt like she needed to comfort her girlfriend somehow. Due to Ashlyn’s rejection of any of Ali’s physical displays of affection, she hoped that her words would be enough.

“How do you know?” Ash asked. She felt like they were stuck in relationship purgatory.

Ali bravely, yet cautiously, approached Ashlyn and sat down next to her on the bed. “After the tournament I’m going to talk to someone.” Ali said. 

Ali knew by the confused look on Ash’s face that she needed to give more details.

“There’s a therapist that my brother knows. She really helped him out when he was dealing with his stuff. I think she will be able to fix me.” Ali said with equal parts sadness and hope.

“Alex...” Ash breathed out in a whisper. “You don’t need to be fixed. You’re going through something. And it’s really hard. But I don’t ever want you to think that you’re not enough.”

“Why are you so sweet to me?” Ali asked rhetorically. She never expected Ashlyn to answer, but her heart swelled when she heard her reply.

“Because I love you. And I always will.”

...

A few days later Ali left with the national team to Canada for Olympic Qualifiers. 

Neither of them were prepared for the next challenge they would have to overcome together.


	7. Dream Over?

“You got everything?” Ash asked Ali, feeling anxious about what their time apart would bring. She was standing in front of her girlfriend at the airport. Ashlyn balled her hands up into fists to keep herself from doing what she wanted to do most. What felt natural for her to do..to reach out for Ali.

“I think so.” Ali answered. She was all too aware of the awkward potential of the moment. “Can I hug you?” She asked.

Ashlyn looked around nervously and asked in a soft whisper, “Is that allowed?” Ali’s insecurities had transferred to Ash in that moment, and it broke Ali’s heart.

“I hug my teammates all the time.” Ali answered.

“So...I’m just your teammate today.” Ash replied sadly. 

Ali hated hearing the pain in Ashlyn’s voice. “Ash, can I please hug you? I hate seeing you hurt like this?” Ali said. It was her rule not to be affectionate in public, but she was dying to hold Ashlyn.

Ash bit her lip and shrugged. She really wanted to hold Ali too. 

Ali stepped forward and pulled her into an embrace. Ali turned her face and brushed Ashlyn’s ear with her lips and said, “Ashlyn, I love you. I’m sorry to leave you like this. I promise I’ll call everyday. I’ll think about you all the time, and when I get back we’ll work this out.” 

Ali felt her girlfriend nod. Ashlyn was doing all she could to hold it together. Putting words to her feelings would push her over the edge.

Ali stepped back, trying to muster all the mental toughness she had to be able to walk away from Ashlyn in their present state. She wanted to say some parting words to make everything better, but they didn’t come. Ali bent down to pick up her bag and turned around toward the security line. 

Ashlyn watched as she walked further away from her. She regretted not saying goodbye, and especially not telling Ali that she loved her. She was about to cry out her love for the women, when she remembered that Ali didn’t want that. They were in a very public place and Ali had her US Soccer bag with her.

Ashlyn closed her eyes tight and slowly breathed in and out to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. When she opened them, she was startled. At some point while her eyes were closed, Ali had dropped her bag and ran back to her. Ash didn’t hesitate to grab Ali and pull her into a hug. 

“I just want you to know that I love you...and I miss you so much.” Ashlyn confessed. Ali could feel her cheek getting wet from Ashlyn’s tears. 

The two finally had to say goodbye, and they did, but not before they both knew that the other was still holding on.

...

Ashlyn’s words haunted Ali. When they separated at the airport Ash said, “I miss you so much.” She didn’t say she ‘would’ miss her, she said that she ALREADY missed her. Ali called Ashlyn the first chance she got.

“Hey baby, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know we got here safely. I’ve got a team meeting and dinner after that, but I’ll call you afterward.” Ali promised on Ashlyn’s voicemail. 

Ash got the message from her girlfriend and wondered if Ali really would call her. She knew Ali wanted to do better and overcome the questions and insecurities she was struggling with, but in the back of her mind she kept thinking about Ali’s broken promise in Germany. She fought to keep the negative expectations out of the forefront of her mind. Ashlyn wanted to believe good things about Ali, and keep her expectations for their future positive. She knew that at any moment her attitude and mindset could go to a place that would only bring destruction between her and Ali. 

She believed that part of her commitment to wait for Ali was to be hopeful that things would get better.

...

Later that night Ash had received a text from Ali asking if they could talk over Skype, instead of just talk over the phone. The reason she gave for the change of plan was that she missed Ashlyn’s beautiful face. Ash smiled at the text and grabbed her laptop. She settled in for the night, waiting for Ali to call.

“Hi.” Ali said sweetly as she saw her girlfriend's face fill the screen. She couldn’t hide her smile when she noticed right away that Ashlyn was in their shared bed, instead of in the guest room. She assumed that was a good sign.

“Hey.” Ash answered with sleepy eyes and messy hair. 

Ali thought she looked adorable. “Did you just wake up?” Ali asked, trying not to giggle at her girlfriend’s unkempt appearance.

“Yeah, I guess I fell asleep.” Ash answered. 

The fact that she fell asleep in their bed was it’s own kind of answer. When Ali had left to stay with her dad for a week, Ash said she couldn’t stand to be in the room alone. She told Ali that all she could do was cry because of her absence. If Ash was able to find rest in their bed again, maybe she would be able to find rest in Ali too.

“How’s the team?” Ash asked. She was still too out of it to recognize that Ali was having a serious ‘moment.’ 

Ali shook her head slightly to clear her mind of the details that she would definitely over analyze later and said, “Everyone’s good. I’m rooming with Cheney. She said to tell you hello.” 

“Tell her I said hi back.” Ash said, thinking fondly of Lauren’s thoughtful kindness.

“I will.” Ali answered. “She’s out shopping with Tobin and Amy. I was glad to have a little private time to call you.” Ali said. She wanted to make it clear that Ashlyn wasn’t only on her mind, but she was a priority. 

“I’m glad too.” Ash replied sincerely. “I was a little worried you wouldn’t call.” Ash wanted to be honest. She wanted Ali to know how she was feeling. 

“Ash, I don’t ever want to let you down again. I don’t want you to have any reason to doubt my word or my love.” 

“I know.” Ash replied. She didn’t want Ali to be too hard on herself. “I’m trying to stay positive and trust that even though things have changed and are more complicated, you and I are still meant to be together.”

“We ARE meant to be.” Ali said emphatically. “I could never doubt that. You’re stuck with me for as long as you can put up with me.” Ali said in a joking tone to lighten the mood, but her words were no joke. 

Ali knew that she had made a huge mistake and had hurt the woman she loved. She knew that personally she had a journey ahead of her to find her confidence and full acceptance of who she was, but there was never a doubt in her mind about Ashlyn.

The two of them talked about Ali’s upcoming games with the national team. They also talked about everyday domestic things like the dry cleaning that Ash needed to remember to pick up and the grocery shopping that needed to be done.

Things were starting to feel normal again.

Ali watched as her girlfriend slowly fell asleep while she talked. It was only a few days ago that Ashlyn told her that she was having trouble sleeping. Ash’s quiet snoring was a beautiful sound to Ali.

Maybe everything would be ok after all.

...

Ashlyn sat stunned in a hotel room in New Jersey. Her club team was there for a game the next day, and Ashlyn had pulled up Ali’s game on her laptop to cheer the US national team on. The American side was having their way with their opposition. Everyone was scoring. Ali went for a long shot and her outstretched leg was hit by a less experienced, reckless player.

Ash watched as Ali cried out in pain. She held her breath while the team gathered around Ali and signaled for a stretcher to be brought out. Ashlyn knew right away that Ali wouldn’t be playing soccer anytime soon. She had not only seen that injury before, but she had experienced it. Twice.

Ali’s dream of going to the 2012 Olympics was over.


	8. Lean On Me

“Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.” Ash muttered to herself in a panic as she waited for Ali to answer the phone.

Ali had just been stretchered off the field and taken to the locker room. She knew there was a big possibility that Ali would be busy for a while, but she had to try to connect with her.

When she heard Ali’s voicemail she said, “Hey, Al. Um, I’m just calling to check on you. Umm...” Ash hesitated.

She knew what the injury was. The team would wait until tests confirmed it, but Ash had experience with that kind of injury before. She knew that there was little hope that Ali would be able to make it back to playing condition in time for the Olympics.

“Listen Alex, I know this is gonna be hard, but I’m not going anywhere. You won’t have to go through this alone. Anyway, I love you. Call me when you can.”

Ash hung up wishing she could be by Ali’s side.

...

Ash received a text from Ali later that night.

_“Hey, it’s not looking good. I don’t feel like talking. I hope that’s ok.”_

When Ashlyn read the message she thought her fear was becoming a reality. She worried that Ali would do what she did in Germany when they lost the final. Ali pulled away from Ashlyn instead of sharing her disappointment with her.

After a long time of debating what to say, Ash replied.

_“Whatever you want.”_

...

Ashlyn fought the urge to be upset and texted Ali the next morning.

_“Just checking up on you. I’m here if you need me.”_

Ali didn’t reply.

...

After Ashlyn’s game she decided that she needed to be more assertive or she might lose Ali. She wasn’t ready to give up yet. She planned to call her the moment she had some privacy.

The team loaded up into a bus to make their trip back home. Ash had to wait until they stopped for gas to call Ali. She found a curb outside the store that was attached to the gas station and pulled her phone out of her bag. She immediately saw that she had missed three calls from her girlfriend.

She felt horrible.

“Alex, I am so sorry I missed your call!” She apologized the moment Ali picked up.

“It’s ok. I know you’re traveling with the team.” Ali replied.

“So, what’s...I mean, how are you doing?” Ash asked. She tried to avoid asking what the results of the tests were for Ali’s injury.

“ACL and MCL tear.”

“Oh.” Ash replied. She felt as though someone had just punched her in the stomach.

“Yeah.” Ali said weakly.

“When are you coming home?” Ash asked. If Ali was going to be in Canada for an extended amount of time then Ashlyn planned on joining her there.

“Tonight.” Ali answered. “I’m about ready to board now. I’ll be able to see you soon.”

“I’ll be there.” Ash said, trying to reaffirm her commitment to support and love her.

“My dad said that my mom is going to fly in tomorrow. Do you think you can pick her up?” Ali asked. She was doing her best to focus on family plans and really anything else that would keep her mind off of the crushing feeling of sadness she was experiencing.

“Yeah, of course.”

“My dad said I can stay at his house whenever you’re on the road with the team.” Ali explained. She knew that the smallest things would be difficult for her for the first part of her recovery after surgery.

“That’s good.” Ash replied, trying to sound positive. “Do you wanna talk, Alex?”

“I can’t right now. I need to hold it together until I get home.”

“I understand. I’m gonna be with the girls on the bus, but if you want to text me I can text back.” Ash offered.

Ali stared at her crutches and the brace on her knee and said, “I hate this. I can’t believe it happened. Why me? Why now?” Her voice began to tremble and she knew that she had to hang up before she turned into a mess of tears and sobs in the middle of the airport. “Ash, I gotta go.”

She hung up before Ashlyn could say goodbye.

...

Ashlyn hurried to find Ali’s gate. She came straight from the team bus to a cab she had waiting for her. When she got to the airport she bought the cheapest ticket she could to be able to be with Ali at the first possible moment.

Ash nervously checked her watch, worried that she was too late. “Ali’s gonna kill me if I end up messing this up.” She said to herself. She imagined a frustrated, tired, and emotionally exhausted Ali waiting at baggage claim for her.

She checked her watch again, and confirmed the arrival time of Ali’s plane and told herself to relax. There was no way she had missed her girlfriend’s return. Ash found a seat near where she knew Ali would be coming from and tried not to worry about how their reunion would go.

What if Ali didn’t want her there?

What if Ali pushed her away?

What if this was a big mistake?

Ashlyn panicked. She stood up quickly and looked around for a better place to wait. She was about to make her move when she heard a familiar voice.

“Ashlyn?”

Ash turned around and saw Ali leaning on a pair of crutches. Ash immediately went to her.

“Here, let me take that.” Ash said as she took Ali’s backpack off of her shoulder.

Ali was still in a little bit of a state of shock about everything. In a moment’s time the Olympics were taken from her. In addition to that, her head was spinning from the drama her insecurities had caused between her and Ashlyn. The pain medication she was taking also didn’t help her think clearly either.

“Thank you.” Ali replied. She didn’t try to hide the exhaustion in her voice. Ashlyn’s presence was just what Ali needed.

“Do you want me to get you a wheelchair?” Ash asked with concern.

“No, I’m fine.” Ali answered. She just wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Ashlyn made sure to keep a slower pace than usual as they made their way to baggage claim. When Ali saw the sign for baggage claim something clicked in her mind.

“Hey!” Ali said, startling her girlfriend. Ash was trying to help Ali balance on the escalator and Ali’s outburst made her jump, which almost caused Ali to lose her balance. She fell forward into Ashlyn.

Ashlyn smiled at the contact at first, but then everything came flooding back. She remembered that Ali didn’t want her affection unless they were alone. Ali didn’t want anyone to know that they were together.

“Um...sorry.” Ash apologized quickly and let go of Ali.

Ali clearly saw Ashlyn’s emotional shift. She wanted to say something. “Ash...” She whispered.

Ashlyn cleared her throat to cut her off and asked, “So, what was it you were going to say before you almost fell?”

‘Um...” Ali began. She paused to reconsider changing the subject, but Ashlyn’s eye were pleading with her to let it go. “I was gonna ask how you were able to meet me at my gate instead of at baggage claim.”

“I bought a ticket.” Ash answered timidly.

“You what?!” Ali asked in disbelief. “How much did you spend?”

“Not much. I got the cheapest one I could get. By the way, if you need anything from Buffalo, I have a way to get there.” Ash said with a forced smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Ali replied.

She wanted to take Ashlyn’s face in her hands and kiss her sad smile off of her lips, but she didn’t know if it was the drugs talking or her heart. She settled for taking Ashlyn’s hand at the bottom of the escalator until she was balanced enough to use her crutches to walk on her own.

...

“Here ya go.” Ash said as she brought Ali some pain meds and a water.

When they arrived home, Ash helped Ali to their room. Ashlyn made Ali rest while she moved the television onto their dresser. Ali told her she was being ridiculous. She said that she could just watch movies on her laptop, but Ash wouldn’t listen.

After a nap and more pain medication, Ali asked Ashlyn to help her take a shower. Ali thought that she could probably handle it on her own, but she really wanted Ash to help her. Things were still awkward between them, and Ali wanted nothing more than to return to the level of intimacy they had prior to Germany.

Ashlyn was hesitant, but she couldn’t deny Ali help.

“Can you help me take off my pants?” Ali asked as she sat up. She really did need help with undressing her lower half. Ash carefully removed them, making sure not to jostle her injured knee. “Sorry, but I need help with these too.” Ali said pulling on the elastic of her panties.

“I’m aware, babe.” Ash said and shook her head. She knew exactly what her girlfriend was up to.

Ali removed her shirt and bra, and when she was completely naked she asked Ash to help her stand up. Ashlyn put an arm around her waist to help her stand. When Ali reached for her crutches Ash sighed and said, “It’s easier for me to carry you. Lean on me.”

Ali put her arm around Ash’s shoulders and let her girlfriend carry the majority of her weight to the shower. Ash helped her step into the shower and waited for Ali to make the next move.

“Umm...” Ali said nervously. “I guess you could join me.”

“Alex...” Ashlyn warned.

“I know, Ash. I just miss you.”

Ashlyn ended up granting Ali’s request, but she did it fully clothed.


	9. An Honest Love

“Thanks for picking me up, honey.” Ali’s mom said as she hugged Ashlyn at the airport.

“My pleasure.” Ash answered. She grabbed Ali’s mother’s suitcase and led her to her Jeep. 

“How’s my girl doing?” Deb asked Ash.

Ashlyn couldn’t hide the worry on her face. She answered honestly, “I think it all hit her at today’s doctor appointment. The surgeon visited and told her the likely timeline of her recovery process.”

“She’s not gonna make it, is she?” Ali’s mom asked. 

Ashlyn bit her lip as she thought about how to answer. She knew that more than anything else, Ali needed her to believe that she could defy the odds. If Ash doubted it, there was little hope Ali would believe it...and Ali needed to believe it to get through the difficulties ahead.

“I think if anyone can do it, Ali can.” Ash answered. 

Deb nodded in agreement. “You’re right. My daughter is capable of anything.” 

...

After visiting with Ali’s mom all day, it seemed that Ashlyn had officially moved back into her and Ali’s bedroom. She had stayed the night before when Ali had first returned home from Canada, but Ali had already fallen asleep. Ash went to bed last and woke up first, leaving Ali clueless about their shared night together.

“Sorry my mom took your room.” Ali said. Ash was awkwardly quiet and Ali thought she knew the reason.

“What?” Ash asked with her toothbrush sticking out of her mouth. 

Ali adjusted herself in their bed and sat up. She answered her girlfriend, “I just mean that you had to let my mom have the guest room. I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything.”

“Alex, I’ve been sleeping in here since you left for Canada.”

“You have?” Ali asked. She thought back to the night before and tried to recall any memories that would confirm her girlfriend’s statement.

Ashlyn could clearly see the confusion on Ali’s face. “You fell asleep early last night. After all the drama and travel, you were understandably exhausted.” Ash spit out the last of her toothpaste, rinsed out her mouth and said, “I slept here with you.”

Ash watched as Ali’s eyes began to glisten. Ali felt like she had been unconscious for a major breakthrough in rebuilding their relationship. She didn’t know how she should feel about that.

“What’s wrong?” Ash asked, sensing that she was upset.

“I wish I would’ve known that you were here.” Ali replied. Her voice cracked at the end. Any chance she had at keeping from crying was gone.

Ashlyn rushed to her side and sat down next to her, careful not to bump her bad knee. She put her arms around her and asked, “Why are you crying?”

“I’ve been wanting to sleep next to you for so long....” Ali explained through shaky sobs. “I wish I had known.”

Ash was immediately relieved that Ali wasn’t upset about her being there, but about her missing it.

“Babe...” Ash said softly. She wiped Ali’s tears and said, “We have our whole lives to sleep next to each other.”

“Really?” Ali asked. Her eyes were filled with a vulnerable hopefulness.

“I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.”

“But you won’t let me touch you.” Ali said, referring to Ashlyn’s lack of desire for private intimacy.

“Alex, it’s gonna take some time for me to get past you rejecting me in Germany. I know that that wasn’t your intent, but I was ready to propose to you. I was ready to proudly stand in front of the world and tell them that you are the love of my life. When everything happened it made me doubt my worth, my place in your life, my...everything.” 

“Ash, I don’t know what to say. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me. You shouldn’t doubt yourself. I’m the one who messed up.” Ali replied. She was overwhelmed with emotion. Poor Ali was struggling to stay positive. She felt like she deserved her injury for hurting Ashlyn. 

“Alex, I don’t necessarily feel that you did anything wrong.”

“You don’t?” Ali asked in confusion. 

Ash watched a tear spill from Ali’s eye. She used her thumb to wipe Ali’s cheek dry and said, “I think that you are dealing with some stuff right now. I think that you’re doing the best that you can to get through it. I don’t hold that against you or blame you, but it doesn’t change the fact that you and I seem to be in different places in our relationship. And that’s what I’m struggling with.” Ash said. She stood up from their bed and then asked, “Does that make sense?”

“Sorta...Are you saying that I’m not committed to you? Because I am, Ash. There’s no one else for me.” Ali answered.

“I know, Al. I think what you need to understand is that...” Ash struggled to find the right words. She rubbed the back of her neck in frustration. She didn’t know what to say to make Ali understand. 

Finally she glanced over towards Ali’s crutches and it came to her. “It’s like your knee. It’s not gonna heal overnight. It’s gonna take time and it’s gonna be uncomfortable. But hopefully at the end it will be better than ever and the pain will be worth it.”

Ali sighed heavily and asked, “You’re not gonna leave me? I’m not gonna wake up one day and find out that you’re gone?” 

“Babe, I’m not going anywhere. I promise you that.” Ashlyn walked to her side of the bed and pulled the covers down. She found her usual place and rested her head on her pillow. “I’m not trying to make things more difficult for you. I am trying to be compassionate, but also honest. If we were to move too fast back to how things used to be, I can’t say that my actions would be sincere. I love you too much to go through the motions. I’m just trying to do the right thing. I can’t fake things with you, Alex. Neither one of us could handle that.”

Ali replied in all sincerity by saying, “I never want you to go through the motions when it comes to us. You’re being so patient and kind with me. I want to be the same for you. We’ll go at your pace. I’ll do my best not to pressure you.”

Ashlyn returned Ali’s sentiment with a small smile. “I’m sorry it can’t be different. I wish it were easier.”

“Ash, if anyone can understand how feelings and thoughts can collide in a chaotic mess of emotions, it’s me. I know better than anyone how hard it is to sort through these things.” Ali affirmed. Ali lowered her voice and softly asked, “But, um, would it be ok if we held hands for a little bit? I mean, no pressure or anything.” 

Ali’s request was sweet and unexpected. Ashlyn could feel her heart starting to open up toward Ali. She put one hand up in the air and waited for Ali to grab it before bringing them both down to rest united as they slept.

By morning Ali’s head was on Ashlyn’s shoulder and Ash had an arm protectively holding her girlfriend in place.


	10. Kisses and Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I lost several chapters for this story and my other one due to a computer issue. It took me a few days to get over it.

Ali woke up from surgery and saw that Ashlyn had fallen asleep in a chair next to her bed. Her recovery room was filled with flowers and cards from her friends and family. Ali smiled groggily at her faithful girlfriend. She wondered how long Ash had been waiting there for her to wake up. Ali didn’t have the heart to wake her. A few minutes later Ali’s mom arrived with food. Ali hadn’t eaten that day in preparation for her surgery. She was famished. 

“You’re my hero!” Ali exclaimed through a whisper. 

Deb smiled, knowing why her daughter was trying to be quiet. She glanced at Ashlyn and asked, “Doesn’t she have a game today?”

Ali almost choked on the bite of cheeseburger in her mouth. She panicked and shook Ashlyn’s shoulder to wake her up. Ash slowly rubbed her eyes and met her girlfriend’s distressed gaze. Her mind slowly processed her surroundings. She was sitting next to Ali in a hospital bed. It suddenly dawned on her that something could be seriously wrong. Ali watched as Ashlyn’s eye filled up with tears. 

Ash’s voice was trembling when she asked, “What happened? Are you ok?”

Both Ali and her mother felt terrible. Poor Ashlyn had already been through enough as it was. 

“I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Ali answered tenderly. 

Ashlyn felt embarrassed by her outburst over the misunderstanding. She tried to nonchalantly wipe her eyes dry with her sleeve. Deb noticed and kissed her cheek. She gave her a hug and said, “I’ll leave you two alone for a few minutes.”

“Ash, I’m really sorry about that.” Ali apologized again after her mom had left. “My mom asked if you had a game today. I guess I freaked out a little.”

Ashlyn shared a small smile and replied, “I’m the one who’s sorry. I just thought something must’ve went wrong with the surgery. It scared me to death.”

“Thanks for caring so much about me.” Ali said as she reached for her girlfriend's hand.

Ash shrugged as if to say that it was no big deal, but her heart was easily seen. “I do have a game. I told coach I would be late for warmups.” She answered. “I guess I should probably get going.” Ash said, after checking her watch. 

She stood up from her seat and let go of Ali’s hand. She started to walk away when she heard Ali call her.

“Ashlyn, wait!”

Ash returned to her side. Ali used her hand to gesture for her to come closer as if she had a secret to tell. When Ashlyn leaned in, Ali kissed her lips. At first it startled Ash, but soon she was just as much a participant in the kiss as her girlfriend. 

With one hand, Ali pulled on the front of Ashlyn’s shirt. She grabbed the back of Ashlyn’s head with the other hand and pulled her in as close as possible. She wasn’t only hungry for food, but also for Ashlyn.

It took a minute for Ashlyn to come to her senses. Once she did, she stepped away slowly. She was stunned and out of breath. Staring at each other the two of them shared a heated, lustful moment before Ashlyn spoke. 

“I have to go.”

Ali nodded slowly and replied, “Ok.”

“I’ll see you at home.” Ash promised, still out of breath.

“Ok.” 

Ali was dazed by the entire incident. She was having difficulty forming any other words besides ‘ok.’

...

When Ash returned home from her game, Ali and her mom were already there. They were waiting for her to have dinner. Ashlyn immediately felt guilty for not coming home right away. 

Ali didn’t say anything, but she could tell that Ash was thinking about something that was bothering her. She didn’t want to press her to open up, but she worried that their intimate moment at the hospital may have been too much for her to deal with. 

Maybe Ashlyn still wasn’t ready.

Ashlyn helped Deb bring the food to the table and apologized profusely for being so late. Both Ali and her mother told her it wasn’t a big deal, but Ashlyn still seemed upset.

“Ash, you played great. Mom and I watched you on my laptop.” Ali said. She watched Ashlyn carefully for any clue as to what was really bothering her.

“Thanks.” Ash answered. Her smile seemed forced. Ali was having a hard time reading her.

“A couple of your saves were absolutely amazing.” Deb commented. “I don’t know how you are able to jump so high. And that one ball that you punched out of traffic. I tell ya, if a mob of people were coming at me like that, I would run the other way. They can have the ball. I’ll be happy to leave with all of my teeth and no broken bones.”

Ash and Ali shared a look and a smile at the older woman’s observations. She was always expressing her amazement at what they were able to do on the field. She acted like she was their number one fan.

After 30 minutes of Ashlyn and Deb jumping up every time they thought Ali needed something, they had finally finished dinner. Ash took on the final duty of the night, which was to help Ali get ready for bed. Once they were alone, Ash felt the need to apologize again.

“Sorry I was so late getting back. I didn’t know you were waiting up for me.”

“Ash, it’s ok. It really wasn’t a big deal.” Ali answered. Ash was helping her change into her sleep attire. Ashlyn had picked out a pair of pajama pants and held them up for Ali’s approval. Ali couldn’t hold back any longer. “If it’s ok with you, I’ll just sleep in my underwear.” 

Ashlyn swallowed hard and put the pants back into the drawer. Ali noticed Ash’s nerves.

“Ash, I’m sorry about earlier. I’m sorry if I pushed you too far, but I think we should at least talk about it. I don’t want to hurt you or make things harder for you.”

Ashlyn nervously cleared her throat and sat down next to Ali on their bed. “It’s not that.” She said.

“Well, what is it? You’ve been acting weird ever since you got home.”

“I guess it’s kinda that...” Ash said, referring to their kiss earlier that day. “But it’s also something else.”

“Ok?”

“I hurt my shoulder today. With camp next week, I feel like I might have messed up my chances for the Olympics.” Ash said. “I’ve been debating all night about whether I should tell you, or anyone else for that matter.”

“Ashlyn, you can tell me anything.” Ali said, trying to sound understanding.

“I know but, I feel selfish for thinking about myself. You just had surgery and you’re gonna have a long recovery. I just feel bad, I guess.”

“Ash, I want you to have your chance as much as I want myself to. If there’s something going on I want you to tell me about it.” Ali replied. She used the outside of her hand to caress Ashlyn’s cheek and asked, “Are you in a lot of pain?” 

“A little. My range of motion is limited without feeling some pain. I know the more I play the worse it’ll get, but I think I can make it until after the Olympics. People play with injuries all the time.” Ashlyn rationalized.

“Baby, I don’t like that you’re in pain.” Ali said. Her voice filled with concern.

Ash dropped her gaze from Ali’s eyes to her knee and then laughed. “I know the feeling.”

Ali joined her with a chuckle, sharing in her twisted sense of humor.

Ashlyn helped Ali find a comfortable position and then joined her in bed. After Ash turned off all the lights Ali had one more question to ask.

“So, about that kiss...”


	11. Hold Tight

“What was that now?” Ash replied to Ali’s question. The two of them were lying in their bed in complete darkness. Ashlyn was faking ignorance.

Ali pinched her girlfriend’s side and crinkled her nose before she said, “You know what I’m talking about. Don’t play dumb.” 

“What kiss are you talking about? I’ve kissed you thousands of times. Maybe even a million times.” Ashlyn replied jokingly. 

Things had been awkward and stressful lately. She needed a break from it all. Telling Ali about her injured shoulder made her feel like things were almost back to normal. Ali was there for her. She felt loved and supported. Ash didn’t want to mess things up.

“Ashlyn, you know what I’m talking about. It’s not gonna help for us to avoid the topic of us getting back to where we were physically. Especially if you’re not ready for that.” Ali replied. “I need to know what you’re thinking.”

“Honestly?” Ash said, asking Ali if she really wanted to know what she was thinking.

“Of course.”

“Honestly, I don’t know how to answer that question.” Ash replied. 

“It would mean a lot to me if you tried.” Ali said. She reached her hand out and rested it on Ashlyn’s thigh. 

She felt Ash stiffen immediately. 

Ali removed her hand.

“Ash, please. Please, talk to me.” Ali begged.

Ashlyn cleared her throat, readying herself to speak. She took a deep, calming breath in and slowly released it. “Alex, sometimes I still feel the ring in my pocket.”

“What?” Ali asked. Ashlyn had thoroughly confused her. 

“When we were in Germany. I walked around with the engagement ring in my pocket, waiting for the right moment to propose. It was awkward and bulky. I was constantly thinking that you would see it and find me out. Then I stopped worrying that you would figure it out and started worrying that you wouldn’t give me a chance to ask.” Ash explained sadly. 

“Ashlyn, I made a huge mistake...” Ali said, starting to apologize for the hundredth time.

Ash interrupted her by reaching for her hand and squeezing it, before saying, “Alex, I know. I’m trying not to hold that against you. In fact, I DON’T hold that against you. But the hurt and rejected feelings are still there.”

“Ok.” Ali answered sadly. She was ready to give up any attempt to get affectionate with her girlfriend that night. She counted herself lucky just to be able to hold Ashlyn’s hand for the time being.

Ali tried not to cry as several minutes of silence passed by. 

Several minutes of excruciatingly awkward silence.

Ali felt Ashlyn roll onto her side towards her. The movement caused their hands to disconnect. Ali felt that she was about to break. The separation she felt from her girlfriend was agonizing.

“Alex?” 

Ali heard Ash’s quiet voice call her. She couldn’t speak. If she did, she was certain she would break. She hummed a response to let her know that she heard her.

“Honestly?” Ash asked again, like she had done earlier. “Honestly, Alex...” 

Ashlyn had really only told Ali half of the truth.

Ali noticed the hesitancy in her girlfriend’s voice. She knew she had to say something if she was ever going to hear the rest of what Ash wanted to say. 

“Go ahead, Ash. You can tell me.”

“Alex, the truth is that I ACHE for you.” Ash confessed. 

She closed her eyes tightly and willed herself not to cry. Ash missed being able to be intimate, but she missed being able to be completely vulnerable even more. In Germany she was ready to put her heart and whole life on the line for Ali. 

Ali unknowingly destroyed Ashlyn’s faith in Ali’s ability to make her feel safe in her vulnerability.

Ali turned toward Ashlyn as much as she could without moving her injured leg. She slowly moved her hand inch by inch toward her girlfriend. She could barely make out her form in the darkness, but she could see enough to know where she was. It wasn’t the darkness that kept her from embracing Ashlyn, it was the hurt in Ash’s voice. 

“Ash, can I hold you?” Ali asked timidly. The kiss from earlier that day was fast and risky. Ali was done taking risks that day. She wanted to make sure she had permission. 

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn answered. She wanted Ali’s touch, but at the same time she was afraid of it. 

Ali brought her hand back to her own side. 

Ashlyn’s eyes had also adjusted to the darkness. She saw her girlfriend’s attempt to comfort her before pulling back her hand carefully. Ash cleared her throat to get Ali’s attention and announced, “I’m gonna get something to drink. You want anything?”

It was an obvious attempt to get out of an uncomfortable situation. But Ali didn’t mind. She could use a moment alone to collect herself. She knew Ash needed to do the same.

“I’m good.” Ali answered. She then added quickly, “Thank you, though.”

Ash left and quietly made her way to the kitchen. She was extra careful not to make any noise because Ali’s mother was staying with them in their guest room. She took a seat at their kitchen table and tried to figure out what in the heck she should do. 

About a half hour had passed before she saw a light turn on down the hall. She cursed under her breath thinking that she had woken up their guest. She listened to see if Deb was getting up to go to the bathroom or if she needed to prepare herself to explain to Ali’s mom why she was sitting in a dark room instead of sleeping next to Ali.

Ash concentrated hard on the footsteps down the hall but had difficulty distinguishing what her girlfriend’s mother was doing. She seemed to be moving slowly. It dawned on her that maybe Ali’s mom had discovered she was there and didn’t want to bother her. That possibility only made her feel worse.

Ashlyn put her face in her hands and gave herself to the count of three to be brave and face her girlfriend’s mother. She counted in her head before standing up. She opened her eyes and saw Ali standing at the end of the hallway. Ash grabbed her bottle of water and hurried to Ali’s side. 

“You shouldn’t be up.” Ash said. She put her hand on the small of Ali’s back and led her slowly back to their room. 

As Ali crutched back to their bed she said, “I was worried about you. I didn’t mean to scare you off.”

“You didn’t scare me off.” Ash replied. She helped Ali sit down and then gently adjusted her leg as Ali laid down. “I scared myself off.” Ash added.

“Please don’t blame yourself.” Ali answered.

“I’m just too much in my head. I over think everything and then my insecurities end up taking over.” Ash said. Once she had tucked Ali in, she climbed in next to her and answered her question from earlier. “Yes, you can hold me.” 

Ali’s surprise turned to relief as she felt Ashlyn’s head rest on her shoulder. It was all she could do to keep from crying and celebrating all at the same time. 

Ali settled for closing her eyes and holding Ashlyn tight for as long as she could before she fell asleep.


	12. You Should Know

"You all packed up?" Ali asked. Ashlyn was a few minutes away from leaving for national team camp.

''Yup." Ash answered. 

Both women had been dreading this moment. They had taken some small steps forward in their relationship, but this would be their first experience apart since Ali returned from Canada when she injured her ACL. Ali would have liked to have dropped Ashlyn off at the airport alone but she was still unable to drive due to her injury. They were waiting for Ali's dad to arrive. Ali tried to think of all of the right things to say to put both of them at ease while they still had some privacy.

"So, ummm..." Ali started. "I am gonna talk to that therapist while you're gone. Kyle gave me her number." Ali said, referring to the woman who helped her brother get through his personal struggles. 

Ash nodded and said, "That will be good for you." 

The couple heard a car pull into their driveway. They only had a few moments left.

"Listen Ash..." Ali said and grabbed her girlfriend's arm. "I want you to know that I'm not taking this for granted. I am going to do everything I can to get us back on track."

"I know, Alex." Ash replied. Ali's father's knock on the door kept Ashlyn from saying anything else.

Ashlyn hurried to open the door and left Ali wishing they had more time. 

...

At the airport Ali insisted on walking with Ashlyn to security. Her father said goodbye and gave Ash a hug at the ticket counter. He sensed that the women could use some time alone. Ashlyn walked at a slow pace next to Ali as she crutched her way towards the security line. When Ali stopped twenty feet away from the back of the line, Ash stopped too.

"Ashlyn, I love you. I don't know why it's so hard for me to admit that to the world. I don't mean to hurt you." Ali rambled anxiously. Her heart was bursting in it's desire to tell Ashlyn how she felt.

"Alex, relax." Ash said. She put her hands on Ali's shoulders and said, "I know all of that already. You need to stop feeling guilty. I know I haven't been the most helpful because of my own issues, but I don't want you to be so hard on yourself. This is just one bump on the long road that is our life together. We'll get through it."

Ashlyn looked at her watch and knew she had to get going. She gave Ali's shoulders a squeeze and tried to lessen the tension by saying, "Try not to have too much fun without me."

"I won't." Ali promised with a small smile. She was on the verge of crying, but they both pretended like everything was fine. "Be careful, ok." Ali instructed.

Ashlyn's shoulder was getting worse the more she used it. Ali knew there was no way her girlfriend was going to slow down any time soon. 

Ashlyn was the first to make a move. She stepped closer into Ali and embraced her. She was careful not to hit Ali's crutches or knock her off balance.

Ali closed her eyes as they shared the hug. Ashlyn's arms held her tight and she knew the gesture was sincere. Ash didn't do it simply because it was what was expected. She did it because she wanted to. 

"Ashlyn, I'll call you every day." Ali promised. There was no chance she was going to let Ash leave without knowing she was still committed to put in the effort to stay in touch.

"Alex, I know. But the phone goes both ways. I'll call you too." Ash replied. She wanted her girlfriend to know that she was also committed. 

"Well, I guess this is it." Ali said sadly. She didn't want Ashlyn to let go of her. 

But Ashlyn did have to let go. She took a step back and said, "I love you, Ali. I'll call you when I get there."

"Love you." Ali said quietly as she watched her girlfriend walk away.

Ali wanted to stand there until Ashlyn was completely through security and out of sight but her father was waiting for her. She slowly made her way to him and left Ashlyn.

...

"Hey, Babe." Ash said when her girlfriend's face appeared on her computer screen.

Ali waved and said 'hey' back. Her eyes immediately went to Ashlyn's injured shoulder that was wrapped in ice.

"You're still icing it?" Ali asked. It was obvious that Ash had wrapped it herself. The plastic wrap around the bag of ice was a mess.

"Yeah. We lifted today." Ash answered. The team's weight session proved to be quite painful for Ashlyn.

"Baby, maybe you should say something. If they knew about your injury they wouldn't have made you lift." Ali suggested.

Ash shook her head back and forth. Ali's suggestion was not an option for her. "No way, Al. Besides, I have some good news to tell you." Ash said. Ali smiled at how excited her girlfriend seemed.

"What is it?"

"Pia said that Paul and her think I might be ready to move up the depth chart. That means that I might be able to go to the Olympics at least as an alternate." Ash announced. She was so overjoyed by the news that she didn't think about Ali's feelings. Ali was going to work her butt off to try and make it, but the odds were stacked against her. 

Though Ali was trying to put on a brave face, Ash could still see the sadness.

"Oh, shit! Sorry, Alex. I wasn't thinking." Ashlyn apologized.

"You don't need to apologize. That's great news, Ash. I'm really proud of you. And I will be cheering louder than anyone else for you when you make it." Ali replied. The roles had been reversed in the past and Ash was always supportive regardless of her own disappointments. Ali was determined to give Ashlyn the same support.

The conversation dropped after that. Ash felt bad and Ali felt guilty for being the reason Ashlyn felt bad. Before it got too awkward Ali perked up and said, "Oh, hey!"

Ashlyn laughed at her excitement that seemed to come out of nowhere and asked, "Hey, what?"

"I almost forgot to tell you that I talked to that therapist today."

"Really? How was it?" Ash asked.

"It was weird. But like, in a good way." 

"Ok?..." Ash said, waiting for Ali to elaborate.

Ali got really serious and answered her as honestly as she could. "Ok, so first off she said I need to look at myself like a work in progress. The goal isn't to be perfect, it's to take steps into the right direction." Ali explained as a disclaimer. 

"That sounds like good advice." Ash encouraged.

"Yeah, so like, I need to be patient with myself and let myself feel whatever it is that I'm feeling and know that I have a right to feel that way." Ali said. She offered her girlfriend a small, but proud smile, and added, "I told her that you kinda already told me that."

"I did?" Ash asked. She didn't remember saying anything close to that.

'Well, yeah..." Ali answered. "You told me I wasn't wrong for feeling how I was feeling. You said you weren't mad at me for that, even though I kept apologizing for it."

"Ok." Ash said. She felt like maybe Ali was giving her a little more credit than she deserved but she wasn't going to argue.

"Anyway, she said that I put too much pressure on myself to please everyone and to live up to their expectations and standards for me. She said that it's ok to care about what other's think, especially if they are important to me, but the most important person to care about is myself."

As Ali explained, Ashlyn's face lit up. She loved hearing Ali work through her thoughts and feelings. It already seemed like the heavy weight on Ali's shoulders was starting to lift.

Ali continued. "So, she told me to write a list of people and things that really matter to me. She said that I should base my standards and expectations for myself on that list." 

Ash nodded, "That makes sense."

"So, I made the list. Guess who's at the top?" Ali asked, ready to see her girlfriend's reaction.

Ali watched as Ashlyn 'pretended' to think really hard about the answer. 

"I don't know...Kyle?" Ash asked. Except she wasn't joking. 

She wasn't pretending. 

She had no idea.

Ali answered her, "No! It's not my brother."

"Your parents?" Ash guessed again.

Ali exhaled loudly and Ashlyn saw tears start to develop in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" Ash asked with deep concern.

Ali tried to wipe her eyes dry and said quietly, "You are at the top, Ash."

"Oh." Ash replied. "Thanks." Ash didn't know what else to say. Obviously Ali was upset. 

"This is my problem." Ali said with her eyes cast down in shame. She said it more for herself than for Ashlyn. "You would think the person who means the most to me would know it." Ali looked back up at Ashlyn and said, "You should know. There shouldn't be a question. " Ali shook her head in regret and repeated, "You should know." 

Again, Ash didn't know what to say. It was true. She didn't really know how important she was to Ali. 

Ali had yet to treat her that way.

"So..." Ash said, trying to change the subject and let Ali off the hook. "What else did she say?"

"Umm..." Ali said trying to respond. She was still focused on her recent discovery. Ali wiped at her eyes one more time and answered, "She said that after I put together my list, I need to daily review my day and ask myself if my actions reflect my list. I need to ask if I'm making my decisions based on my personal convictions, or if I'm basing them on the opinions and expectations of people who aren't on the list."

"Wow. That's pretty deep. Everybody should do that." Ash replied. She was hoping to get a smile or encouraging nod from her girlfriend, but Ali's focus was somewhere else. 

''Ash, I'm gonna change. I have to."

Ashlyn hated seeing Ali internally struggle over Skype. If she could she would have liked to have held her in her arms. 

"Alex, I just want you to be happy."

"I know." Ali replied. "I'm working on it."


	13. Don't Hold My Hand

Ali insisted that her dad drop her off at baggage claim and wait in the car until she told him they were ready. He parked and pulled out a fitness magazine to read while he waited.

Ali had processed through a lot of things while Ashlyn was away at national team camp, and she felt like she was ready to take a giant step forward. She had recently realized that she hadn’t been treating Ashlyn like a priority in her life. When Ali considered what was most important to her, Ash wasn't only on the list, she was at the very top of it.

The more Ali thought about how much Ashlyn meant to her the more she regretted not showing her on a daily basis. She was finally starting to organize the confusing thoughts and feelings that she had been struggling to work through.

The more progress she made the more her heart led her towards Ashlyn.

...

Ashlyn made her way from her gate to baggage claim. She wore an oversized hoodie and jeans and had her backpack hanging off of her right shoulder. Ali watched as she descended down the escalator. Ash was behind a long line of people and couldn’t walk past them. All she could do was wait.

She pulled out her phone and texted Ali.

_“You here?”_

Ali had watched her type something on her phone. She smiled when she felt her own phone vibrate. The thought that Ashlyn was thinking of her in that same moment warmed her heart.

 _“Yeah. I’m looking at the most beautiful girl in the world.”_ Ali typed.

When Ash read the message she immediately looked up from the screen and searched for Ali in the crowd. When their eyes locked, Ash’s face broke out into a matching smile.

Ash waved and then typed another quick message.

_“I missed you.”_

Ali’s phone vibrated again and by the time she read the message Ash was walking towards her. When Ali looked up, Ash was right in front of her.

“Hey.” Ash greeted warmly.

Ali didn’t waste a second. She pulled Ash into a hug and kissed her quickly on the lips.

Ash was stunned. “Wow.” She breathed. “Are you sure?” Ashlyn asked.

“I don’t know.” Ali answered honestly. It wasn’t like everything was normal, but she wanted it to be.

“So, you just went for it, huh?” Ash asked with a smirk.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Ali answered. “I missed you so much and I really wanted to kiss you.”

“Me, too.” Ash agreed.

Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and held it as they made their way to the baggage carousal. Ashlyn carefully looked around to see if anyone was looking at them. Then she examined her girlfriend and found that Ali didn’t seem concerned at all.

“So, you got rid of your crutches, I see.” Ash commented.

Ali leaned against Ash, still holding her hand, and answered, “Yep. Doctor says as long as my knee feels stable, and I’m careful, and wear my brace, I should be fine.”

“That’s great news!” Ash exclaimed. She was sincerely happy for Ali’s health update, but even more happy about the unashamed affection Ali was showing her.

Once Ash had gotten her bag, Ali texted her dad and they headed outside to meet him at the curbside pickup area. Ali insisted on carrying Ashlyn’s suitcase. Ash agreed only because the bag had wheels and Ali could drag it easily. The last thing she wanted was for her girlfriend to trip over her luggage and re-injure herself.

On the way to their house Ali’s mind was processing their plans for the rest of their first day together. Ali turned back towards Ash, who was in the back seat, and asked, “Do you think you can drive us around today?” Ali still hadn’t been cleared to drive because of the pain medication she was taking.

“Sure.” Ash agreed without hesitation.

“I was thinking I could take you out for a fancy dinner to celebrate you being home and the fact that you’re on your way up the depth chart.”

“Babe, I don’t think we should get our hopes up about that. Pia said that I’m close, she didn’t say it was a guarantee.” Ash replied. She had another reason for her doubt, but she didn’t want to tell her about that.

“Ash, you deserve it. You’ve been playing better than most everyone in front of you. There shouldn’t be any doubt.” Ali said with confidence.

Ash didn’t want to argue. And she really didn’t want to tell Ali why she believed she had good reason to doubt. Instead of disagreeing she answered, “Whatever you say, babe.”

“That’s right, ‘Whatever I say.’” Ali repeated with a grin. “My baby is gonna prove to everyone that she’s an Olympic all-star.” She announced proudly.

Ashlyn and Ali’s dad shared a look in the rearview mirror. Ali was acting very different from what they were used to.

...

Later that day when Ali and Ash were getting ready for their night out, Ali noticed something that alarmed her.

“Ash, your shoulder?”

“What?” Ash asked. She was standing with her back towards Ali in front of their closet wearing only a sports bra and boy shorts while looking for something to wear.

“Your left shoulder is lower than your right?” Ali said.

“What do you mean?” Ash asked and immediately went to their mirror. She saw what Ali had mentioned and sure enough, her injured shoulder was lower than the other.

Ali came close to her and grazed her hand over the injury. “Baby, it feels swollen and looks bruised.”

Ashlyn swallowed hard. Her secret was out. She had been in a lot of pain for all of camp. Every day the pain increased.

The women met eyes in the mirror and wordlessly had a conversation. Ali agreed not to make a huge deal out of it, and Ash agreed not to ignore it.

“I’m gonna get you some ice. We have time for you to ice it for a few minutes before we need to leave.” Ali said. She kissed the back of Ash’s shoulder and left for the kitchen.

Ash released a sad sigh and went back to picking out the perfect outfit for an evening with Ali.

...

“Can I hold your hand?” Ali asked as she reached across the table. Ali's palm faced upward waiting for Ashlyn to take it. They were seated at their favorite restaurant, waiting to order.

“Actually, um...no.” Ash answered.

Ali was trying to be more affectionate. Ashlyn’s rejection not only hurt, but confused her. She pulled her hand back and said, “I thought you didn’t want to touch me because I didn’t do it in public. So what? Now you don’t want to touch me at all?”

Ashlyn couldn’t miss the hurt in her girlfriend’s voice. She knew she needed to explain.

“Alex, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Ali asked. She used the hand that Ash had left empty to wipe a tear from her eye.

“It really hurts to use my left hand.” She answered. “At this angle, it would be horrible.”

“Are you serious?” Ali asked. She didn’t realize how bad her girlfriend’s injury really was.

“Yeah, of course I would want to hold your hand...I mean, I always wanna hold your hand. But I just can’t right now.”

Ali was relieved that Ash wasn’t repulsed by her touch, but Ash’s answer only gave her one more thing to worry about. There was one more camp before the Olympics. Ali knew that Ashlyn would try to hold out from getting her shoulder repaired until after that. Unless of course she made the Olympic roster. If that was the case, then Ashlyn would wait until after the important tournament. Either way Ashlyn was going to be in a lot of pain for a long time.

“I’m not going to push you, but I’m not sure waiting to get your shoulder looked at is the best idea. You never know maybe it’s something that can be fixed quickly and you can be back to pain free living.” Ali said.

“I’ve thought about that. But I don’t want to give anyone an excuse not to put me on the roster.” Ash replied.

“I get it.” Ali answered. “You know that I get it. But it looks really bad, Ash. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel bad, but I’m having a really hard time not worrying about you.”

“Alex, we’re athletes. We are constantly dealing with injuries and pain. This is only temporary.” Ash answered. She hated giving Ali more things to deal with.

“I know.” Ali replied. “Maybe we should change the subject.” Ali said.

Ali worried that if they kept talking about it she might cry. She hated that Ash was in significant pain, but she knew the physical pain was nothing compared to how Ash would feel if she missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime because of it.

“Sure...” Ash answered. “So, what else do you have planned for us tonight?’ Ash asked.

Ali blushed as she thought of the answer to Ashlyn’s question. She was hoping to take an even bigger step forward in their relationship later that night.


	14. Careful But Passionate

Ali felt an excitement rise in her chest as she followed her girlfriend into their house. They had spent the whole day together after Ashlyn had returned from camp. Ali had big plans for them tonight.

Ashlyn held the front door open for Ali to walk through. The simple act made Ali blush. She was close to exploding. She had missed Ashlyn in every way imaginable, and now that she was back she was still waiting to be reunited with her in a more intimate way. 

...

Ali nervously undressed behind the closed bathroom door. She didn’t want to seem too forward so she left her panties on. But she also didn’t want her intentions to be misunderstood, so she removed her bra. She looked at her half-naked self in the mirror and took a few calming deep breaths. She fixed her hair and did a quick breath check. She rolled her eyes at herself when she smelled the mint toothpaste she had just used. 

“Come on, Ali. Relax. You’ve done this hundreds of times.” Ali said to herself. 

She then replied to herself saying, “Yeah, but it has always been easy. What if she say’s no?”

Ali shook her head to clear it when she realized she was talking to herself and getting nowhere. She took out a bottle from the medicine cabinet over the sink, and popped one of her pain pills into her mouth.

Ali put her hand on the knob of the door and said, “Here we go.”

When she opened the door she froze in place. Ashlyn was lying on her right side facing away from her. Ali thought about bailing on her plan. She chewed her bottom lip nervously and was close to crying. She had waited so long to show Ashlyn how much she loved her. The lack of intimacy was killing her. 

Ali looked back into the bathroom and saw her clothes in a pile on the floor. It still wasn’t too late to get dressed without Ash seeing her. She could save herself a lot of embarrassment if she did that. Ashlyn would never know, and she would never have the chance to reject her advances.

Ali thought about the great day they had together and how happy Ashlyn seemed to be with her. Ali’s attempts at being more affectionate in public were gladly accepted by her girlfriend. She had no reason but her own insecurities to give up on her plan.

Ali cleared her throat.

Ash heard it, but it wasn’t noticeable that it was a forced effort to get her attention. It was the second throat clearing that did that. Ali watched as Ashlyn gingerly rolled to her back. Ash was obviously in some pain. 

Now Ali wanted to give up on her plans for another reason. But it was too late.

“Alex...” Ashlyn said breathlessly. Her eyes were wide and her jaw had dropped. She was not expecting to see her girlfriend half-naked. 

Ali did her best not to appear nervous, but Ashlyn knew her too well not to see how anxious she was.

“Hey.” Ali replied in a shaky whisper. “Um, I was hoping we could, um...” 

Suddenly Ali felt like she had to throw up. Her heart couldn’t take it if Ashlyn turned her down. Now that everything was out in the open, including her bare chest, she felt like she had too much to lose. 

“Alex, I’m not sure it’s a good idea. What about your knee?” Ash asked. 

Ali patted her brace and said, “That’s why I left this on.” She took a few steps closer and continued, “If you don’t want to...” She cleared her throat nervously. “...we don’t have to. I don’t want to pressure you.”

Ashlyn’s eyes wandered from Ali’s knee up to her naked breasts. She licked her lips subconsciously. 

Ali’s lips curled up. She knew her girlfriend was coming undone. This realization gave her a boost of confidence. She sauntered closer to Ashlyn.

“Ash, if you want I can put on some clothes. I understand. We shouldn’t move too fast.” Ali said with a smirk.

“Uhh, no!” Ash said, snapping out of her daze. She realized how desperate she sounded when she saw her girlfriend’s face. “Um, I mean...You know, whatever you want.” Ash said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“What I want is you.” Ali answered boldly. She was not trying to sound nonchalant.

“Oh..O..K...” Ash stammered.

Ali crawled on the bed until she was hovering over her girlfriend. “You sure it’s ok?” She asked.

“I think so.” Ash answered. 

Ali sighed sadly. “You don’t sound very confident about that.” She said and moved from above Ashlyn to her usually spot next to her.

“Al, I didn’t mean to discourage you. I just think we need to be careful.” Ash explained. She felt guilty for hurting Ali’s feelings. It was obvious that she was looking forward to this. 

“It’s fine, Ash.” Ali said sadly and turned her back to Ashlyn. She didn’t want her disappointment to be seen.

Ashlyn awkwardly tried to comfort Ali by reaching her right arm across her own body. She couldn’t reach her. Ali put too much distance between them. Ashlyn took a few deep breaths to ready herself and then rolled onto her left side, wincing in pain. Her body’s weight on her injured shoulder was almost unbearable.

“Al...” Ash breathed out. The pain was making it difficult for her to form any other words. She hoped that her touch would be enough. 

Ali rolled over and said, “Ash, it’s ok. We don’t have to...” Ali stopped mid-sentence. 

Ashlyn was in serious pain. Ali put her hand under her shoulder and carefully worked her arm behind Ash’s body. She gently helped Ash roll onto her back. Ali sat protectively next to her watching her recover from the wave of pain. 

Ash laid with her eyes closed, taking deep breaths in and out. While Ali waited for her girlfriend to calm down, she caressed her face and kissed her forehead. When Ashlyn was able to concentrate again, she felt horrible.

“Alex, I’m sorry for ruining your plans.”’ Ash apologized.

“Ash, I care more about you than my plans.” Ali said. She looked down worriedly at her girlfriend’s shoulder and leaned down to kiss it.

Ash turned her head towards Ali and caught her lips when Ali started to sit up. Ashlyn used her right hand to pull Ali’s head in closer to her. The two shared a heated kiss until both were out of breath.

Ali breathed, “Baby, I don’t want to hurt you.” Ali’s confession had double meaning. She didn’t want to cause Ashlyn’s shoulder more pain, but even more so she didn’t want to cause her heart more pain.

“I know.” Ash whispered. She pulled Ali’s head back in close and lightly grazed their lips together and added, “Be careful.”

Ali deepened their kiss as her answer. She moved her left leg over Ashlyn’s body until she was straddling her. She sat up and asked, “Are you sure?” 

Ash looked up slowly making her way up Ali’s body with her eyes. Ash slid her right hand up Ali’s ribcage and outlined the underside of her breast with her thumb. From there she moved her hand to Ali’s upper back and pulled her down towards her. Ali thought she was going to get another kiss, but Ashlyn put her exposed nipple in her mouth instead. Ali moaned in pleasure.

Ashlyn had given her answer. 

The rest of the night was filled with careful, but passionate, love making. Both women had waited too long to put it off any longer. They fell asleep happier than either of them had been in a long time.

...

The next morning Ali woke up alone in bed. She didn’t wonder long about where her girlfriend could have gone off to. The smell of bacon gave her location away. Ali made her way to the kitchen to greet the love of her life.

“Hey Baby, smells good.” Ali said and gave Ashlyn a ‘good morning kiss’. She felt Ashlyn smile into the kiss and knew that the night before had mended a great deal of what was broken. 

“I couldn’t sleep any longer. I was starving.” Ash said. She handed Ali a plate of breakfast and instructed her to sit down. Ashlyn had already made coffee and had it all ready for Ali. 

Things were starting to feel normal again.

Ashlyn sat at the table next to Ali and said, “This is nice.”

“It really is.” Ali agreed. She wore a small smile on her face as she leaned in to kiss Ashlyn’s cheek. Both women enjoyed a few minutes of comfortable silence as they ate their breakfast. 

Everything felt perfect. 

Ali hated having to do what she was about to do next.


	15. Good News & Bad News

Ali took a sip of the coffee that Ash had made for her, and smiled into the cup. “I can’t get last night out of my mind.” She said as she glanced up at her girlfriend. 

“Yeah, that was pretty epic.” Ash answered. She stuffed a forkful of an egg white omelette in her mouth and added, “I was famished when I woke up. You wore me out, woman!”

“I hope I wasn’t too rough.” Ali replied. She maintained a flirty tone while she tested the emotional waters with Ashlyn. She had something serious to talk to her girlfriend about, but didn’t want to come on too strong.

“It was worth it.” Ash said without a second thought. When she saw her girlfriend’s face had completely changed she knew she had said the wrong thing. “I mean, NO you weren’t too rough.”

“Ash, did I hurt you?” Ali asked, moments away from crying.

Ashlyn put down her fork and got serious. “Babe, you didn’t hurt me. You made me feel like I was the most loved person in the world.”

“Really?” Ali asked. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Really.” Ash promised.

Ali took a bite of her toast and shared what was on her mind. “Baby, I need to say something to you, but you have to promise not to get upset.”

Ashlyn knew right away that she wasn’t going to like where this conversation was leading.

“Ash?” Ali said, waiting for a response before continuing.

“I can’t promise anything until I know what you’re gonna say.” Ash said with an even, controlled tone.

“We need to talk about your shoulder.” Ali said, without hesitation or apology. She was aware of the possibility of her girlfriend getting upset, but she knew she needed to be firm, for Ashlyn’s own good. “What are your plans?” Ali asked.

“I don’t really know.” Ash answered. She wasn’t offended or angry. Ali had read the situation perfectly. 

“Does it hurt right now?’ 

“Not too much. It mostly hurts when I put weight on it or try to move my arm at certain angles.” Ash said. 

Ashlyn sounded discouraged. Ali assumed it was because she knew that she had a serious injury that would need immediate treatment. 

“Do you think it’s getting worse?” Ali asked. She already knew the answer.

“Yeah.” Ash said honestly. “It’s getting hard to lift things too.”

Ali could tell that Ashlyn wasn’t going to fight her. That fact alone scared her. Ash had to have been in a great deal of pain to give up on her dream.

...

 

Ali held Ashlyn’s hand as the doctor, who US Soccer sent to check out her shoulder, explained what the next few days were going to look like for her. With only a visual exam the doctor was able to conclude that she would need surgery. He said they would need to wait for her test results to come back to know the severity of the injury and what the next steps would be to fix it. The doctor prescribed some pain medication, told her to keep it immobile, promised to give them more information in the morning, and sent them home. 

Ashlyn was heart broken. 

...

“I don’t want any.” Ash mumbled.

Ali had brought her a bottle of water and her pain medication, but Ashlyn didn’t want to have anything to do with the drugs.

“Ashlyn, it’s not going to help anything for you to suffer. Don’t be stubborn.” Ali said and held one of the pills up to her lips. 

Ashlyn didn’t argue. She took the pill and let Ali give her the second one. Ali brought the water to Ashlyn’s lips and waited for her to swallow the medication. 

“This is some top of the line service you’re getting here.” Ali joked, trying to lighten the mood. Ashlyn didn’t crack a smile. She didn’t even blink. Ali had her work cut out for her. 

She sat down in Ashlyn’s lap, making sure not to jostle her injured shoulder, and kissed her cheek. In that position Ash could rest her head against Ali. Ali kissed the top of Ash’s head and said, “Baby, it will get easier. The first couple days are the hardest.” 

Ali was speaking from experience. She knew what it felt like to be so close to the Olympics and have the dream ripped away.

“I love you.” Ali said, mostly because she didn’t know what else to say. “What are you thinking?” Ali asked. She was desperate to get Ashlyn to talk. She knew it would help her feel better to talk it out.

“I don’t know.” Ash answered. 

“Come on, Ash. I think it’s good for you to talk about how you feel.” Ali encouraged.

“I feel like I’m not ready to give up on playing in the Olympics.” Ash answered. She nudged Ali slightly to signal that she wanted her to get off of her lap and said, “And I feel like I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Ashlyn got up from the couch and walked away from Ali and the conversation she had no desire to have.

Ali wasn’t offended. She understood Ashlyn’s point of view. No, she wasn’t hurt by Ashlyn’s actions. She was worried.

...

Ali gave her girlfriend space for the rest of the day. The only time she tried to connect with her was when it was time for her to take her medication. Ashlyn grumbled about it every time. Ali’s reply was always the same, “You being in pain isn’t going to help anything.” 

Ashlyn wasn’t angry at Ali, and Ali knew that. Ash was angry at the situation. This wasn’t the first time an injury had sidelined her at the worst possible time. 

Ali waited until it was time for them to go to bed. She knew that Ashlyn would have a difficult time getting any sleep, but the next morning was her follow-up appointment. Both women needed to be ready for the news of what was ahead for them. 

Both women expected the worst.

“Ash, I put your medicine on your nightstand with a bottle of water. I set an alarm to go off when it’s due for you to take it.” Ali explained. “Will you take it on your own, or do I need to wake up?” 

“I’ll be fine.” Ash answered, unwilling to commit to do what Ali had asked.

“Ok.” Ali replied. She then set her phone alarm as an extra precaution to make sure she woke up along with her girlfriend. She didn’t tell Ash, but she had every intention to be conscious enough to make sure Ash didn’t skip a dose.

After the lights were turned off and the couple had been in bed for several minutes, Ali heard her girlfriend’s voice.

“Alex...” 

“Yeah.” Ali answered softly.

After a few more moments of silence Ali heard Ash reply, “Thanks for not pushing me today.”

“You’re welcome.” Ali answered. She wanted to say more, but she didn’t think it would be appropriate to start up a conversation right after being thanked for giving her girlfriend space. 

“My head is a little messed up right now. I don’t really have any words to explain how I feel.” Ash confessed.

Now Ali was really glad she didn’t say anything. She knew there was one thing she could say that would be perfectly acceptable for the moment.

“I love you, Ash.”

“Love you too, Alex.”

Ashlyn’s words brought a smile to Ali’s face. With everything that Ash was dealing with, including her inability to describe how she was feeling, there was one feeling that was clear and she chose to share it with her. 

Ash made sure Ali knew that she loved her.

...

 

Ashlyn woke up with a throbbing pain in her shoulder. Her girlfriend woke up a few moments earlier to the sound of her groaning in her sleep. Ali was ready with water and Ash’s medication before Ash was even conscious.

“Good morning.” Ali whispered as she helped Ash sit up. Ashlyn didn’t object or give her girlfriend any trouble. She took her medicine like a good patient.

Ashlyn yawned, rubbed her tired eyes, and replied, “Morning.”

“Take your time.” Ali said. “I’m gonna get breakfast started.” She kissed Ash’s cheek and stood up to leave. Ash grabbed her arm and pulled her back down. 

Ash used her right hand to bring Ali’s face in close and kissed her lips hard. “Thanks, Alex.” Ash said before kissing her again.

Ali smiled into the kiss and thought to herself that her sweet and affectionate girlfriend was on her way back to her.

“I’m gonna make us some coffee.” Ali said with a smile. She kissed Ash’s cheek again and this time Ashlyn let her walk away. 

It only took a few minutes for Ashlyn to join her girlfriend in their kitchen. She went straight for the freezer and filled a plastic bag with ice. 

“We need to leave in about an hour.” Ali instructed. She had toast and coffee ready for Ash at the table. Normally both women would eat a more substantial breakfast, but nerves were high and Ali knew without having to ask that Ash wouldn’t be hungry.

“What do you mean ‘we?’” Ash asked. “You have PT this morning.”

“I rescheduled it for later. There’s no way I’m missing your appointment.” Ali answered. “Actually, that reminds me.” Ali said. “We need to let everyone know what’s going on. You’re scheduled for practice all week. Not to mention the game on Saturday.”

Ashlyn dreaded having to tell their coach that she was going to have to miss the rest of the season. She had already missed several games because of national team camp. The team was struggling with Ali’s absence. Without Ashlyn they were going to really hurt.

“I guess we’ll do that after I find out for sure how long I’ll be gone.” Ash answered. It was almost a guarantee that she was going to be out for at least half a year. But she was trying to stay positive.

“We can head over to practice after we’re done with the doctor.” Ali said. She didn’t want Ashlyn to have to tell the team alone. Ash nodded dejectedly as she thought about the inevitable conversation. 

The couple kept things light until they had to leave for Ashlyn’s appointment, but their hearts were both heavy with worry.

...

“Well Miss Harris, I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you.” The doctor said. 

“Good news?” Ash asked. She was not expecting to hear anything positive.

“Absolutely.” He answered with a confident grin. “The good news is that you can put off having your surgery until after the Olympics. I discussed your results with the coaching staff and they agree that if you feel like you can handle it, they want to keep the option open to have you on the team.” 

Ashlyn was floored by the news. She was completely speechless. However, Ali found her words. “Is it safe for her to play like this?” Ali asked. She couldn’t imagine that her girlfriend could possibly be able to continue with training and everyday life with her injury.

“It’s safe as far as her making the injury worse. It’s as bad as it’s gonna get. She won’t be without pain, but if she can tough it out, she can hold off on getting the surgery.” The doctor explained.

Ali really wished the doctor didn’t say ‘If she can tough it out.’ She feared Ash would take that as a challenge and suffer through the pain just to make a point.

“What’s the bad news?” Ash interrupted. She could tell that her girlfriend wasn’t all that excited about the ‘good news.’

“The bad news is that as long as you’re playing on any team there is a limited selection of pain medication that you can take. Long term pain management is difficult. You will be under careful watch, including urine and blood tests on a regular basis.” He answered. He looked toward Ali, knowing that she was recovering from her own injury and taking strong pain medication for it. 

He turned back to Ash and said, “It may be tempting for you to try something outside of the approved list of medications. If that happens you could lose a lot more than a chance at playing in the Olympics. US Soccer wanted me to be clear with you. If you choose to put off surgery and continue playing, you need to be extra careful not to take anything that hasn’t been prescribed by an approved doctor. If something goes wrong or feels off, you need to contact us and we will help you. If you end up going to someone who is unaware of the professional regulations, you may end up disqualifying yourself without knowing it.”

“I understand.” Ash answered.

“What can you give her?” Ali asked. “She can barely move her arm without being in major pain. How can she possibly live like this?” Ali was afraid for Ashlyn. She loved her and couldn’t bear to watch her suffer.

The doctor answered, “Some of that pain is caused by swelling. I can give her a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and include a mild pain reliever. If she ices it regularly to keep the swelling down, that will help with both some of the pain and range of motion. That’s the best that we will be able to do, unfortunately. It’s up to her if she thinks she can handle it.”

“I can handle it!” Ash said, without hesitation.

Ali had her doubts, but she wasn’t going to tell Ashlyn that.


	16. New Plan

Ali cringed and muttered profanity to herself as she watched her girlfriend make a diving save, landing hard on her injured shoulder. She had chewed off what little bit was left of her fingernails. Ashlyn was playing in her first game back since camp. The team was aware of her injury and were careful during training not to put her in painful situation. Unfortunately, there was no careful playing during game time. 

Ashlyn was fearless.

Ali was on the bench with the rest of the team, which meant she had a good look at every bump and fall Ashlyn took. By the end of the first half she felt like she was going to throw up. She wasn’t going to tell Ashlyn, but she was considering staying in the locker room for the rest of the game. She didn’t think she could handle another 45+ minutes of watching her girlfriend suffer.

“You’re awful quiet.” Ash whispered to Ali as a trainer finished wrapping her shoulder with ice. The team sat in their locker room and listened to their coach give them strategic adjustments for the second half.

“I’m listening to coach.” Ali answered. She didn’t dare look at Ashlyn. She kept her gaze firmly pointed towards their coach. Ali knew that if Ash had a good look at her she would be able to read her like a book. The defender didn’t want her favorite keeper to have to deal with more than she was already dealing with. 

Ashlyn didn’t press her. She didn’t have to look her in the eyes to know that she was worried. She turned her attention towards their coach and pretended everything was fine.

The second half was more of the same for Ashlyn. Ali left the bench somewhere around the 60 minute mark. She paced the locker room until about the 80th minute and returned to the sideline, hoping that Ash wouldn’t notice her absence. 

After the game Ashlyn went straight to the locker room. 

Ali did not follow her.

...

“You avoiding me?” Ash called out as she made her way to Ali’s car. Ali was leaning against the front of her BMW looking down at her phone. She had been waiting for Ashlyn for an hour.

“No, I’m waiting for you.” Ali answered. She wasn’t trying to hurt her girlfriend’s feelings, but if she was being totally honest she would have told her that she was avoiding her. 

“You usually wait for me in the locker room. I had a bunch of treatment I had to get. It would have been nice to have you there to like talk to and stuff.” Ash said. 

“Sorry, I had some phone calls I needed to make.” Ali said as an excuse.

“Is that why you left during the game?” Ash replied. “Did you get an important call?” 

Ali heard the hurt in Ashlyn’s voice, even though she was playing it off like it didn’t matter. Ali had talked herself into a difficult spot. 

“Ash...” Ali said and let out a long sigh. She was stalling.

“Don’t say anything else, Alex.” Ash interrupted. “I don’t want to take a giant step backwards again.”

“Ashlyn, that’s not what this is about!” Ali quickly replied. 

“I’m trying to trust you and you’re lying to me.” Ashlyn said and left Ali leaning against the hood of her car. 

Ash threw her bag in the back seat and opened the passenger door for her girlfriend. She left it open without saying a word and climbed into the driver’s seat to drive them home. Ali felt horrible. 

“Ash, I didn’t mean to make you doubt whether or not you can trust me.” Ali said. “I left because I hate watching you get hurt.” 

Ali hoped Ashlyn would say something in response, but her girlfriend kept her eyes on the road and gave no hint of a reaction.

“Baby, please don’t be mad.” Ali begged. “You were on the ground so much during the game. I couldn’t stand watching, knowing that you were in pain. I’m sorry if you’re mad because I left. I won’t leave again.” Ali was hysterically rambling trying to make her girlfriend understand.

“Well, I’m not gonna stop playing.” Ashlyn said, finally replying to her emotional girlfriend. 

“I know that!”

“What do you want me to say, Alex? Do you want me to say that I’m just gonna give up because it isn’t easy? What if you had a chance to play right now? Wouldn’t you try?” Ash replied.

“Ashlyn, yeah...Yeah, I would try. But what if you were the one who had to watch me? I’m living my worst nightmare right now. You’re hurting and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” Ali’s voice shook.

Ashlyn hadn’t thought about Ali’s side of things. She changed her tone and apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about all that.” She cleared her throat and said, “I’m just trying not to focus on the throbbing pain in my shoulder. I guess I haven’t been the best girlfriend to you lately.”

“Ash, I didn’t say all of that to make you feel guilty. I’m just trying to explain.”

“I understand.” Ashlyn answered in a volume slightly above a whisper. Now Ashlyn felt worse and Ali was feeling like she couldn’t do anything right. Everything she did and said only seemed to make things harder.

When the couple had returned home Ash took her prescribed pain medication and iced her shoulder. She sat with her eyes closed and tried to focus her mind on things other than her shoulder and her girlfriend’s confession in the car. 

She didn’t see any hope of making it through the next couple of months without Ali’s support. On the other hand, she felt terrible knowing that for Ali to support her meant that Ali was living what she described as her ‘worst nightmare.’

...

Ali reached over Ashlyn and whispered into her girlfriend’s cell phone, “She just fell asleep. Is there any way she can do it later?” 

Ali was just informed that Ash had been chosen for a random drug test that morning. Though it certainly didn’t feel like it was ‘random,’ coming the morning after a game day. 

“I’ll wake her up. When will you be here?” Ali said quietly into the phone. She looked over at Ashlyn who was sleeping next to her. Her face looked tired and tense. She knew if she woke her up she would be waking her up to pain. Unfortunately, she had no choice. “Ok, bye.” Ali said into the phone.

Ali carefully shook Ashlyn’s good shoulder and said, “Baby, I’m sorry but you need to wake up.” She used her fingers to gently smooth out the creases in Ashlyn’s forehead. She was trying to help her relax. She wanted to keep things peaceful and calm.

Ashlyn groaned.

“Ashlyn, I need you to wake up.” 

Another groan and a mumbled, “Why?” from Ashlyn.

“Someone is coming to take a urine sample. You only need to be awake enough to pee.” Ali said and kissed her girlfriend’s forehead.

“Alex...” Ash mumbled. Ali wasn’t sure if she heard and understood everything she had said, but at least Ashlyn was conscious enough to know that she was talking to her. 

“Baby, did you hear what I said?” Ali asked. Ash hummed a questioning response. Ali smiled at her sleepy girlfriend with such compassion and tenderness. She wished she could protect her from everything that could ever hurt her. “I said you have to get up and take a pee test. They’ll be here in 20 minutes.”

“Uh, ok.” Ash replied. She moved to sit up and her shoulder immediately brought her back down. 

Ali watched Ash grimace in pain. 

“This sucks!” Ash said loudly. The peace and calm Ali had been trying to create disappeared the moment Ashlyn was awake enough to feel the throbbing pain in her shoulder. “It hurts so much.”Ash whined with watery eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” Ali consoled. She helped Ash sit up and rubbed her back, trying to comfort her. Something suddenly clicked in Ashlyn’s brain, causing her to get quiet. Ali didn’t know what had caused her girlfriend to shut down suddenly, but she stayed the course and continued to rub her back. “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” Ali asked.

Ashlyn shook her head and continued in her silent misery.

“Ok, well, umm...” Ali stammered. “I’ll, um, get you something to drink.” Ali kissed her girlfriend’s head before making her way to the kitchen. 

Once Ali had left, Ash cursed herself for blowing her plan. She had decided the night before that she was going to keep her shoulder pain a secret from Ali. She didn’t think it was fair to make Ali live through her ‘worst nightmare.’

Ash joined Ali a few minutes later and said, “Sorry about being so dramatic when I woke up. I don’t know what got into me.” 

Ali answered in surprise, “I didn’t think it was dramatic. You were hurting.”

“Well, that’s what I mean.” Ash replied. “It really doesn’t hurt that bad. It’s not a big deal.” Ash said nonchalantly.

Ali breathed in sharply and assessed her girlfriend’s behavior. She wanted to bluntly ask why Ashlyn would lie to her, but she kept her disappointment to herself. Ali handed Ash a bottle of Gatorade and asked her if she wanted something to eat.

Ash said she wasn’t hungry and after a few awkward minutes they heard a knock on their door. 

Ali welcomed in a man in his mid twenties. He clearly saw that they lived together and had some type of relationship. He was familiar with the US team, but didn’t know them personally. He handed Ash the cup and went through the proper procedures. Ash was familiar with the routine and left to fill it up. 

When Ash returned she heard him say to Ali, “I didn’t know the two of you lived together.”

Ashlyn was out of sight and waited to hear how Ali would respond. Ali had no idea she could be heard. She also wasn’t trying to be sneaky or dishonest when she answered, “We’re roommates. We play on the same club team.” 

Ali didn’t owe the man any more explanation than that, and Ashlyn knew it. But it still felt like Ali was ashamed of her. Ash rounded the corner and ignored the new pain she was feeling. She handed the man the cup and announced, “I’m going back to bed.”

Ali didn’t think anything of Ashlyn’s sudden departure. She knew she hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before.


	17. Pain Management

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More drama...but there are happy times ahead. I promise!

“Ok, so...you’re obviously mad.” Ali said as she rode home with Ashlyn. Ash had just finished playing a game with their club team and she had been acting angry and annoyed all week.

“I’m not mad, Alex.” Ash replied in a frustrated tone.

“Yes, you are. I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re mad. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re mad at me, or if you’re mad at your situation and taking it out on me.” 

Ashlyn had been miserable and grumpy lately. It started the day after Ashlyn’s last game. Ali had waited as long as she could to confront Ash about her attitude.

“I’m not taking anything out on you.” Ash said. She rolled her eyes and mumbled something under her breath.

“So...does that mean you’re mad at me about something?” Ali asked. When Ashlyn didn’t answer Ali apologized for her unknown offense. “Ash, I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong. I promise I haven’t knowingly done anything to hurt you. I’m trying to love you and support you as much as I can. I’ve got my own stuff I’m going through too!” 

As Ali was trying to make things right, she started to get upset. She had been nothing but understanding and supportive of her girlfriend during this time. Ashlyn, on the other hand, had been distant and short fused. Ali turned her head away from Ashlyn and stared out her car window. She was fighting back tears and she didn’t want Ashlyn to know.

Ashlyn saw Ali out of the corner of her eye and realized that she was being too hard on her. She wanted to reach out to her, but she didn’t know what to say. Ash wasn’t as much angry as she was hurt. Ash had overheard Ali describe their relationship as ‘roommates.’ That hurt, combined with her desire to play down her injury, added up to her pulling away and shutting Ali out emotionally. Ashlyn’s constant pain also contributed to her being on edge about everything. Ali was the one that was most affected by Ashlyn’s behavior because she was the one that was always around her.

Ashlyn felt horrible. She never meant to hurt Ali. She was upset, but her girlfriend didn’t deserve the way she was being treated. Ash had to figure out a way to control her emotions, which meant she had to figure out a way to control her pain.

...

“Hey, Al?” Ash called out from her place in the living room. She was resting in a recliner with her feet up, an ice pack on her shoulder, and a heating pad wrapped around her bicep. 

Ali was still upset with her girlfriend. She ignored her and kept walking by. 

“Alex?” Ash called out again and when she got no response she adjusted her ice bag, removed the heating pad, put the chair into it’s upright position, and gingerly stood up. 

“Alex...” Ashlyn said as she walked toward the kitchen where Ali was sitting at the table, drinking a cup of coffee. Ashlyn held her left arm close to her body, using her right hand to keep it as immobile as possible. “Ali, I’m sorry about earlier. Actually, I’m sorry about all week.”

Ali surveyed her girlfriend standing in front of her. Her eyes landed on the large wet spot on her shirt, where the bag of ice had melted. She saw how Ashlyn was holding her arm in place and could tell she was in obvious pain.

“You want some coffee?” Ali asked. It was a peace offering of sorts.

“Sure.” Ash answered. She pulled out her usual chair next to Ali and slowly sat down, careful not to hit her arm on the table. Ali watched her and her anger began to melt away. 

Ali poured some coffee into Ashlyn’s favorite mug and slid it in front of her. She sat back down in her seat next to Ash and waited for Ashlyn to take the lead in reconciliation. 

Ashlyn was quick to respond. “I’m really sorry, Ali. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I think you’re right, though.”

“About what?” Ali asked.

“I think I might be taking out my frustrations on you. You don’t deserve that. I’m really sorry.” Ash apologized.

“Ash, I can take it. But you have got to be honest with me. You can’t shut down and ignore me.”

“I know...” Ash answered. She had a couple of things she had been hiding from Ali. Now was the time to say something. But the words didn’t come.

Ali shook her head and asked. “Ash, why won’t you just talk to me?” 

“What do you mean?” Ash asked. 

“You know what I mean. You are obviously in pain, but you don’t want me to know how much...” Ali replied. She watched as Ashlyn’s eyes grew big in surprise, which confirmed that she was right. “...and I think you’re mad at me about something, but for some reason you don’t want to tell me.” 

Ashlyn hung her head in shame, trying to avoid eye contact. 

“Ash, what did I do?” Ali asked desperately.

While still staring downward Ashlyn answered, “It’s dumb.”

“Ash...” Ali said and reached for Ashlyn’s hand. “It’s not dumb if it’s hurting you.”

Ashlyn wanted to pull her hand away from Ali’s grasp and run away, but she owed Ali more. 

“I overheard you telling someone that we were just roommates.” Ash explained. Her voice was small and filled with hurt. “I know it’s dumb, but it made me feel like you were ashamed of me.”

“Who did I say that to?” Ali asked. She had no recollection of the incident because it was a passing comment to someone she thought unimportant.

“That guy who came for the drug test.” Ash answered. 

“Well, that explains why you’ve practically ignored me all week.” Ali said and squeezed Ash’s hand. “I didn’t say that because I was ashamed of you. Ash, we don’t know that guy. I was so annoyed with him to begin with. He woke you up and asked me about our private life. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to deny that I loved you, or anything like that.”

Ashlyn responded with sniffling. Ali watched as a tear dropped from her girlfriend’s downcast eyes. 

“Ashlyn, are you alright?” Ali asked in concern. 

Ashlyn wiped her eyes and answered, “I know it shouldn’t matter. My brain tells me that it makes total sense, but it really hurt to hear you say that I was only your roommate.” 

“Ashlyn, you know that you’re so much more than that to me.” Ali answered sweetly. She leaned down in front of her girlfriend to get her to look at her. “Ash, I’m serious. You are my whole world.” Ali cracked a small smile and said, “Why else would I put up with your corny jokes?”

“My jokes aren’t corny.” Ash answered. “They’re hilarious.” Ashlyn wiped a few stray tears from her eyes, but the smile on her face revealed that Ali’s attempt to connect with her girlfriend had been successful. 

“Baby, I love you. I don’t want you to think that I’m ashamed of that fact, but I also don’t think that it’s everyone’s business to know what we do in our private life.” Ali explained. Ashlyn nodded in understanding and Ali continued, “But if you really want me to, I will start wearing a t-shirt that says I’m madly in love with Ashlyn Harris.” 

Ashlyn let out a soft laugh and said, “Now you’re the one with the corny jokes.”

“I wasn’t joking.” Ali answered. She reached out towards Ashlyn and pulled her face towards her. She kissed her on the lips and said, “I love you. I need you to be confident in that fact, and to know that I’m working to become the best me that I can be. Because that's what you deserve.”

“That’s what YOU deserve.” Ash replied back. “Do it for yourself, Alex.”

“You’re very wise, girlfriend of mine.” Ali cooed. “Now...” Ali said and stood up from her seat. “What can I do to help you feel better?”

“Forgive me?” Ash answered.

“Done.” Ali replied easily. “What else?”

Ashlyn recognized the look on Ali’s face. She answered her unspoken question. “I’m way too sore for that, Alex.”

“What?! I didn’t say anything!” Ali said with a huge smile. “You always think I’m trying to get into your pants.” 

“Because you always are!” 

“Not even. If anything you’re the one that needs to dial it back. I’m always having to fight off your advances. I can’t help it that my sexiness is too much for you to handle.” Ali teased.

“Whatever you say, Alex.” 

...

Ashlyn woke up in the middle of the night and carefully crawled out of bed. Ali was asleep and she didn’t want to wake her. Due to her injury, Ali’s sleep was suffering almost as much as Ashlyn’s was. Ash stumbled through their room in the darkness and waited to close the bathroom door before turning on the light. The brightness caused her to squint her eyes as she looked through the medicine cabinet. She found a bottle of pain meds that were left over from when Ali needed them. 

Ashlyn stared at the half empty bottle for almost a full minute before shaking her head to clear it of her desperate thoughts. She reached instead for the ibuprofen bottle and popped six of the pills in her mouth. Ash cupped her right hand under the faucet and used the water to wash the pills down. 

She knew that it would be a while before she would be able to get back to sleep, so she left Ali to sleep alone. 

When Ali finally did wake up she found Ashlyn asleep, while sitting up on their couch. She didn’t have the heart to wake her. Ali spent most of the early morning hours shopping online before she had to leave for physical therapy. When it was time for her to go she kissed Ashlyn’s cheek and put a post it note on her forehead telling her where she went.

...

“Ash?” Ali called out as she searched through the house for her girlfriend. Her father had just dropped her off after her physical therapy session. She was happy to see that her girlfriend was no longer asleep on the their couch, but she wondered why she hadn’t responded to her yet.

“Ashlyn?” Ali said louder. She went from room to room looking for her. When she didn’t hear a reply she mumbled a complaint about her missing girlfriend to herself, “You could’ve at least left a note.” She opened their bedroom door and saw an empty bed and continued complaining to herself, “I always leave a note.” 

She was about to turn around and leave the room when she heard a faint sound. It sounded like a sniffle. Ali turned toward the direction that the noise came from and saw a light shining from underneath the closed bathroom door. Ali slowly approached the bathroom and pressed her ear up against the door. 

Ashlyn was crying.

“Ash? Baby, are you ok?” Ali asked from her side of the door. The lack of an answer confirmed that she was not ok.

Ali knocked quietly and asked, “Can I come in?”

Ashlyn’s non-answer was answer enough. She slowly opened the door and saw her girlfriend awkwardly slouched on the toilet with her eyes fixed on something other than Ali.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Ali asked. Her knee was still sore from PT so she opted to sit on the side of the bathtub instead of kneeling down in front of her girlfriend. Ali’s hand on Ashlyn’s thigh got Ash’s attention.

Ash met Ali’s gaze with her red, glossy eyes. Ali tenderly caressed Ashlyn’s cheek with her fingertips. “What’s is it?” Ali asked softly.

“I don’t want to say.” Ash answered.

Ali couldn’t imagine what had happened while she had been gone that would put her girlfriend in her present state.

“Ash, you can tell me anything.”

Ashlyn’s eyes returned to where they had been staring when Ali had first found her. Ali followed her line of sight and it landed on Ali’s leftover pain medication. It took a moment, but Ali finally understood. She looked again at her girlfriend and couldn’t miss the guilt all over her face.

“Ashlyn, what did you do?” Ali asked, assuming the worst. Ash couldn’t answer. Her tears wouldn’t allow it. “Ash, you can’t risk getting caught. You’ll be suspended. You could ruin your chances at making any US roster ever again!”

Ashlyn was too upset to answer Ali. She held her injured shoulder and cried.


	18. The Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short update for you guys. I didn't want to leave you hanging for too long.

Ali did her best to console her girlfriend. She had assumed that Ash had broken the rules she had been given by US Soccer to manage her pain. Ashlyn was a mess of tears and sobbing. Ali tried to be gentle with both Ashlyn’s shoulder and heart. 

“Ash, it’s going to be ok. We’ll get through this. They probably won’t test you any time soon. Just don’t take any more and no one will ever know.” Ali said as she rubbed Ash’s back.

Ashlyn pulled away from Ali’s touch and stood up. Ali followed her as she walked out of the bathroom and into their shared bedroom. Ali continued her attempt to make Ashlyn feel better, but Ash didn’t want any of it.

“Ashlyn, we need to talk about this.” Ali said as she continued to follow Ashlyn. “It’s not going to help to ignore your problems. We can get through this together.”

Ashlyn finally exploded.

“I didn’t take it! Thanks for the vote of confidence, though.” Ash yelled towards her girlfriend.

“Sorry, but you didn’t say anything. I thought...” Ali replied but trailed off her thought at the end. She didn’t want to say it out loud.

Ashlyn sighed loudly and sat down on their bed. She rubbed the back of her neck and then sighed again, but this time it was a sound of defeat and exhaustion. There was no anger behind it.

Ash said softly, “I sat in the bathroom for two hours staring at your medicine bottle. I feel so ashamed.”

“Ashlyn, you didn’t take any?” Ali asked. She felt bad asking, but the whole situation was confusing. Ashlyn was acting like she had something to feel guilty about, but her explanation said otherwise. 

“It hurts so much, Alex.” Ashlyn said in a shaky voice. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

“Then maybe it’s time to get the surgery. There will always be more games, more Olympics.” Ali concluded.

Ash shook her head, “I can’t quit now. That will make all of this for nothing.”

Ali took a seat next to her girlfriend and said, “Well, that leads us to where we are right now. Are you sure you can keep doing this? Is this what you want?” 

“Yes.” Ash answered with both sadness and certainty. She wanted to make the pain and discomfort go away, but she didn’t have it in her to quit. “Can you do me a favor, though?” Ash asked with a small voice. 

Ali put her arm around Ashlyn’s waist and answered, “Anything.”

“Can you get rid of your pain medication, or at least hide it? Last night and as soon as I woke up, it’s all I could think about.” Ash said.

“Yeah, of course.” Ali replied. She hadn’t realized that Ashlyn’s pain was as bad as it was. She knew it was bad, of course, but she didn’t know that it had caused an internal struggle within her girlfriend. 

Ashlyn was vehemently against taking addictive drugs. When she had both of her ACL surgeries she requested that the doctor prescribe the smallest dose of pain medication possible. 

Ali never saw something like this coming.

...

Ali waited until Ashlyn had to leave for practice to get rid of the tempting meds. She flushed the bottle of pills down the toilet and noticed a partially dissolved pill in the trash. She wondered if that was the only pill Ashlyn had attempted to take. Thinking about the possibility of Ashlyn spitting out the drug at the last possible second, made Ali extremely proud. On the other hand, thinking about the possibility that Ashlyn had taken more before she spit the pill out, scared her to death. She decided that she wouldn’t ask Ashlyn about it. She figured if Ash wanted her to know, she would have told her.

...

The next day after Ali’s PT, she drove to Ashlyn’s practice to surprise her. The doctor had finally released her to drive and she wanted to use her newfound freedom to do something special for Ash. She had stopped at a florist on the way and bought her girlfriend fresh cut flowers. A bouquet of flowers wasn’t usually Ash’s style, but Ali wanted to spoil her. Ashlyn had had a rough time lately, and Ali wanted to remind her that she wasn’t alone. She knew Ash would be sore and exhausted after practice. She thought a surprise visit might cheer her up.

Ali left the flowers in her car and headed towards the locker room where she assumed her girlfriend was finishing up getting ready to leave. “Where’s Ash?” She asked one of the trainers leaving. 

“She’s still in the locker room. She has a visitor.” The trainer answered and then went on his way. 

“A visitor?” Ali said to herself and then continued on her way to the locker room. She couldn’t imagine who else would be showing up after practice to see her girlfriend. 

“Ash?” Ali called out. She heard voices and didn’t want to interrupt anything private. She wanted to give fair warning of her presence.

Ashlyn heard her girlfriend’s voice and replied, “Alex?” She was not expecting to hear Ali’s voice.

Ali followed Ashlyn’s voice towards the back of the room where the showers and bathroom stalls were. When she turned the corner she saw a familiar face. 

“Hi, there.” Ali greeted. She pretended to be happy to see the man. Ashlyn smirked at her, knowing that she wasn’t fond of the unexpected visitor.

“Ms. Krieger.” The man greeted with a slight nod. 

“Tom, here, was just telling me that I’m due for another random drug test.” Ash said. 

Ali had no idea that the man’s name was Tom, and she had no desire to get to know him any better either. 

“It seems like you’ve had a lot of ‘random’ tests.” Ali said, air quoting the word random with her fingers. Her annoyance was obvious.

“We’re trying to stay on top of things.” Tom explained.

“It seems like you’ve been going above and beyond.” Ali said sarcastically. 

Ashlyn thought it was best to end the conversation before her girlfriend said too much. “You’ve got my sample. I guess we should get going. Ali and I have another appointment we need to get to.” Ash lied. 

The man apologized for keeping them, let them know he would be contacting them with the results soon, and then left with what he had come for. Ali waited for the sound of the door closing behind him to say, “I really hate that guy.”

“He’s just doing his job, Alex.” Ash rationalized.

Ali scoffed, “No, he’s not. He’s targeting you and I hate him!”

Ash laughed and replied, “Well, I love you. And I also love food. So, let’s put my two loves together and get something to eat.”

Ali laughed at her crazy girlfriend and helped her carry her bag to her Jeep. She made Ashlyn wait for her to go to her car to get the flowers, before she gave her a kiss and sent her on her way. 

The couple met at a local cafe and talked over their usual order of coffee and sandwiches.

“How’s your shoulder?” Ali asked and nodded towards Ashlyn’s injury.

Ashlyn did a shoulder shrug using only her right shoulder. Which was enough answer for Ali but she added, “It’s not too bad.”

“Ash, you know I know better than that.” Ali said matter of factly. She didn’t want to go in reverse in their communication progress.

“It’s sore. But it’s not as bad as it was yesterday.” Ash answered honestly.

Ali was surprised to hear Ash say that it felt better. She debated in her mind if she should tell her girlfriend that she found a pill in their bathroom trashcan. She didn’t want to admit that she was worried about the results of Ashlyn’s latest drug test. 

Ali chose to avoid the possibility of a confrontation and acted happy to hear Ash’s shoulder was feeling better. “That’s great news. Maybe you’ll be able to sleep tonight.”

“I hope so.” Ash answered, sounding like she didn’t have a care in the world.


	19. Hiding

“What’s gotten into you today?” Ash asked. Ali had been waiting on her hand and foot and had been extra affectionate all day.

“Nothing. What do you mean?” Ali asked. 

“You’ve been a little...” Ash paused to think of the right word, “clingy.”

“Clingy?” Ali laughed. She wasn’t expecting to hear that. “When have you ever complained about me being clingy?” She asked.

“I’m not complaining.” Ash corrected. “I’m just saying.”

Ali sat down on the arm of the recliner that Ash was resting in. Ashlyn had ice on her shoulder, like usual. The only thing that seemed to help the pain was to numb it most of the day. Ali was careful to make sure that Ashlyn didn’t keep the ice on too long. 

“Ash, I’m just trying to take care of you. I want you to know that I’ll always be here, no matter what happens.” Ali promised.

“That sounds a little ominous. What are you expecting to happen?” Ash asked.

“I mean, because you’re in pain and all that. I’m here.”

Ashlyn scrunched her eyebrows together and suspiciously watched her girlfriend fidget under her gaze. “What are you really worried about?” Ash asked.

“Ashlyn, I told you. I just want you to know that I love you and I’m here for you. Why does it have to be about something else?” Ali asked.

Ashlyn decided to let her girlfriend off the hook even though she wasn’t completely satisfied with her answer. “Thank you, Babe.” Ash replied simply.

Ali’s face broke out into a loving smile and bent down to kiss the top of her girlfriend’s head. “Baby, I love you so much. I hate that you’re hurting. I hate that I feel like I can’t do anything to help.”

“You are helping, Alex.” Ash replied. She used her right arm to pull Ali down into her lap. The jostling hurt her left shoulder and arm, but she ignored it. “I’m sorry we haven’t been able to have more fun together.” Ashlyn said while wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

“We’re gonna have to do something about that.” Ali said with a grin. 

Ash gave her girlfriend’s butt a flirtatious squeeze and replied, “I think so.”

Ali’s hand was making it’s way up Ashlyn’s thigh when they were interrupted by Ash’s phone. Ali rolled her eyes and sighed in frustration. She carefully stood up from Ashlyn’s lap and retrieved her girlfriend’s phone. On her way to bringing it to Ashlyn she glanced at who was calling and felt her stomach twist in a knot.

“It’s US Soccer.” Ali informed. 

Ashlyn took her phone and answered it right away. “Hello.”

Ali watched as Ashlyn listened to the person on the other end talk for what felt like too long for good news, but Ashlyn’s expression didn’t give anything away. 

A few moments later Ali heard Ash say, “I understand. Thanks. Bye.” She hung up her phone and gave Ali her full attention. “Now, where were we?”

Ali had to decide in that moment whether to ask Ashlyn for answers or to continue showing her how much she loved her in a more physical way. She chose the more fun option and left her questions to be answered at another time.

...

"I hope you don't mind if I let her sleep a little longer." Ali said to their good friend, Whitney. Whit’s team was in town to play Ash and Ali’s team. "I try not to wake her unless it's absolutely necessary. She hasn't been sleeping well. It's a rare thing for her to be able to sleep during the day like this." 

Ali wondered why Ashlyn was able to sleep through the pain of her shoulder. She was hopeful that it was a good sign and not something else.

"No problem. This will give us a chance to talk." Whit answered. "The last I talked to Ash, I asked her how you two were doing. She didn't say much, but she did say things were different."

Ali knew that Ash had talked to Whitney about her plan to propose in Germany. The fact that they weren't engaged spoke for itself.

"Yeah, I was dumb." Ali admitted freely. "I don't know if she told you, but I freaked out with all of the new found fame and attention. I treated her horribly. I had no idea she was thinking about proposing."

Whitney didn't know all the details, but she nodded along as if she did. "So, where are things now?" She asked.

"They're better than they were." Ali answered. In the back of her mind she wondered if that was really true. She still wasn't sure if Ashlyn was going to get in trouble for taking an unprescribed medication, but she kept that to herself. "Ash has forgiven me, and I've realized what really matters."

"That's good." Whit replied. "You two are meant for each other. That girl couldn't live without you." Whit said with a smile. "You should hear her talk about you when we're at camp. She's really proud of how hard you're working to get back on the pitch."

"Well, I'm really proud of her. She's overcoming so much to keep playing. I hope she gets rewarded for it. She deserves to make the Olympic roster." Ali said proudly.

"I agree. She’s barely scratching the surface of what she's capable of. That's the scary thing. She's only going to get better. I feel bad for the opposition." 

Ali nodded along with a huge smile on her face. Ashlyn didn't receive enough credit for how good she really was. She was in the shadow of a superstar and it caused people to miss that she was on her way to become one herself.

"Ya'll talking about me?" Ash interrupted with a dimpled smile. 

"You wish." Whit teased and gave her friend a hug. 

Ali grimaced at the tight embrace her girlfriend shared with Whitney. She knew it had to hurt.

After the painful hug, Ash kissed Ali's cheek and asked, "Do you know where my medicine is?" The reason Ash had woken up from her much needed nap was because she was due for another round of medication.

"I put them in your bag, remember?" Ali answered. Her concern turned vigilant the moment Ash mentioned the meds. She knew what that meant. "I'll get an ice pack for you." Ali said, and without waiting for an answer headed straight for the freezer.

Whitney watched the interaction and couldn't help but smile. Her two friends acted like an old married couple.

“Do you mind if I take off my shirt?” Ash asked, interrupting her friend’s thoughts.

“That depends. Why?” Whit asked cautiously. Knowing Ashlyn, it could be for an inappropriate or embarrassing reason.

Ali chimed in, “For medical reasons.” She smiled knowing exactly why Whitney was worried.

“Then, go for it.” Whit encouraged. 

Ali helped Ashlyn take off her t-shirt and said to Whit, “I put a layer of this stuff on three times a day.” Ali said, referring to the tube of cream in her hand. It was a topical medicine that helped numb the area. 

“Does that stuff really help?” Whit asked.

Ash answered, “Sorta. It helps at first, but as soon as I move or after about twenty minutes it wears off.” 

“Baby, stand up. I wanna show Whit something.” Ali instructed. Ashlyn stood up, without question. “Turn around, please.” Ali asked and gave her girlfriend a playful tap on the butt. When Ash turned around Ali showed Whitney where her left shoulder was lower than her right. It looked misshapen and swollen.

“Holy crap, Ash.” Whit breathed out. “How can you play like that?”

“That’s what I say!” Ali agreed. 

“Doc said I could.” Ash answered, as Ali put an ice pack wrapped in a towel on Ashlyn’s injury.

“How can that be possible?” Whit asked.

Ali answered for Ashlyn and said, “I think they’re all crazy. It has gotten worse. The doctor said it wouldn’t get worse.”

“No, he said that it wouldn’t make the surgery or recovery time worse.” Ash corrected.

“Ashlyn, that is not what he said!” Ali replied, getting upset that Ashlyn thought something differently.

“I’m telling you what he said, Alex!” Ash replied with a little bit more passion than necessary.

“Ashlyn, I spoke to him myself.” Ali said defensively. “He said it wouldn’t worsen the injury for you to play. But obviously it has. You can’t move your left arm now without pain. That’s new!”

“Oh, what difference does it make? Who cares?” Ash said, frustrated that they were arguing over an obvious miscommunication.

“It’s a huge difference!” Ali shouted. 

Ashlyn’s eyes shot to Whitney and back to Ali. “Alex, let it go.” She didn’t want to get into something in front of their friend.

“Ash, it’s the difference between US Soccer actually caring about your health, or not. It matters to me that you’re suffering more than you should be.” Ali explained in a calmer tone.

“Babe, it will all be worth it once I make the Olympic roster. The final camp is less than a month away. Me and you both will make it and we’ll both laugh about all this. Besides, at the end of the day it's my decision to play. Not US Soccer's or even my hot girlfriend's." Ash said, trying to get her girlfriend to relax.

Ali shook her head and bit her tongue. She knew she wasn’t going to change Ashlyn’s mind, but she was starting to think that Ashlyn’s health was being put at risk for nothing.

The three women spent the rest of the day catching up over coffee and baked goods. None of them returned to the topic of Ash’s injury.

...

After Whitney had left to join her team, Ali and Ashlyn called it a night. 

“Oh hey!” Ali said, trying to sound spontaneous, when in reality she had been planning her outburst for over an hour. “I totally forgot.” She lied. “What did US Soccer want?” 

“What do you mean?” Ash asked. 

Ali tried to sound casual and answered, “When they called earlier.”

“Oh, um...” Ash started as she thought back on the short conversation. “It wasn’t anything special. They were just calling about camp plans.”

Ali thought Ashlyn’s explanation seemed strange, but she kept her feelings to herself.

...

The next morning Ali awoke to the sound of her girlfriend on the phone. Ali waited for Ashlyn to hang up and asked, “Baby, who was that?”

Ash answered, “Nobody, go back to sleep.”

Ali fell asleep with the feeling that her girlfriend was hiding something from her.

Later that morning Ashlyn informed Ali of the results of her drug test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will answer a big question.


	20. Strong Facade

Ali woke up alone in bed. This was a normal occurrence these days due to Ashlyn’s inability to get comfortable. Ali stretched out into the empty space next to her and felt that her girlfriend’s side of the bed was cold. Ashlyn had been up for a while. 

Ali found her girlfriend in their basement attempting to hit the punching bag in their home gym area. It was a pathetic sight considering that Ashlyn could barely move her upper body. 

“Baby, what are you doing down here?” Ali asked. Ash had been limited to light workouts at practice and avoided doing anything that wasn’t required.

“Waiting for you to wake up.” Ash answered. She offered Ali a small smile before taking another weak, slow swing at the bag.

“Well...I’m awake.” Ali responded, suddenly remembering the mysterious phone call her girlfriend had received earlier that morning. 

“Let’s get some coffee.” Ash said. She pretended to punch Ali in the face, but stopped at the last second. Ali didn’t even flinch. Ashlyn wrapped her right arm around Ali’s shoulders and walked with her upstairs to their kitchen.

Ash poured them both a cup of coffee and waited for her girlfriend to take her usual seat at the table. 

“So...” Ali said. “What’s up?” She knew Ash had something to say and she was more than ready to hear it. She had felt like her girlfriend had been hiding something from her recently.

“Well, I have some news.” Ash answered. She paused, wanting to draw out the suspense for as long as possible. She loved driving Ali crazy.

Ali rolled her eyes in frustration and said, “Well?! What is it?”

Ash was greatly amused by her girlfriend's anxious curiosity, but she felt it was time to come clean. “I’ve been talking to Pia a lot lately.” Ash said. 

“Ok?” Ali answered. Ash’s explanation wasn’t very satisfying.

“Let me finish.” Ash scolded in jest. 

“Sorry.”

“I’ve been talking to her about you.” Ashlyn explained. “Every chance I get, I tell her about how well you’re doing and all the hard work you’ve put into getting back on the team.” Ash said with a giant smile. Ali looked confused. Though Ashlyn’s kind words were sweet and encouraging, she didn’t see why Ashlyn seemed so excited.

Ash caught the look on Ali’s face and got right to the point. “She said she’s gonna give you a chance. She said that you can try out even though you won’t be at a 100% during camp. If you can impress her enough and show her that you’re making progress, you can prove to her that you’ll be ready for the Olympics and she’d be crazy not to take you.”

Ashlyn was so excited to share the news with her girlfriend. Ali thought it was sweet, but her girlfriend’s confidence was overwhelming. “Baby, we don’t know that I’ll be ready.” Ali replied apprehensively.

“Of course you will be.” Ash answered. She had spent every chance she got to tell Pia that Ali would be ready. Ali’s doubt was not the response she expected.

“Ash...” Ali hesitated. She swallowed hard and asked the real question she had been wanting answered. “Who were you on the phone with this morning?”

“Huh?” 

“This morning.” Ali explained. “You were on the phone. I woke up and you told me to go back to sleep.”

Ashlyn was caught off guard. Ali had completely changed the subject. “What does that have to do with you being ready for the Olympics?”

“Nothing!” Ali answered aggressively. “Who was on the phone?” 

Ali’s question sounded accusatory. Ashlyn was stunned. She had been Ali’s #1 fan and had gone out of her way to bug Pia into giving her a chance. When she gave her the good news, Ali’s response was the opposite of what she was expecting. 

“Why are you asking me about that?” Ash asked in a small voice.

“Because I know you’re hiding something from me, Ashlyn!”

“I just told you what I was hiding from you. I didn’t want to get your hopes up. I’ve been giving Pia and Dawn updates about how your PT and training is going. I don’t understand why you’re mad at me.” Ash explained. 

“Who was on the phone?” Ali asked, completely ignoring that her accusations had hurt her girlfriend.

Ashlyn stared at her for a moment. Her pride and stubbornness told her that Ali didn’t deserve an explanation, but she wisely chose the high road. “It was about my drug test results.” Ashlyn said. She didn’t think any more explanation was required.

Ali disagreed.

“And?” Ali asked, pushing for more details.

“And...What?” Ash asked. She was clearly confused and missed what Ali was insinuating.

“And...What were the results?”

The question hit Ashlyn like a truck. When Ali saw her girlfriend’s face, she suddenly realized she had made a big mistake.

“Why would you ask me that unless you think it might have been a bad result?” Ash asked. Now she was the one accusing Ali.

Ali bit her lip and refrained from answering.

Ash answered for her. “You think I took your pills and that I got caught breaking the rules. You think I lied to you.”

“Ash...” Ali breathed out in desperation. 

Ashlyn cut her off. “I told you I didn’t take any.”

“I found a pill in the trash.” 

“I TOLD YOU I DIDN’T TAKE ANY!” Ash said again with a greater level of both volume and anger. Her voice calmed when she said, “You don’t trust me.” 

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“Ashlyn, it’s not like that.” Ali replied. “You are in so much pain. You push yourself too hard. I thought that maybe it had become too much.”

“Alex, when I told you I didn’t take it, I was telling the truth.”

“But it looked like you at least had taken one pill and then spit it out.” Ali said, defending her assumptions.

“Yes, I spit it out! Do you know how hard that was for me to do? I thought if anyone in the world would understand, and maybe even be a little proud of me, it would be you.” Ashlyn’s words were heartbreaking.

“Ash, I am proud of you.” 

“You thought I was a drug addict, Alex.”

“I never thought that.” Ali answered. She was determined to fix things. “Baby, please know that I am more proud of you than you can imagine. I was worried about you. All I can do is sit back and watch you suffer. I don’t know what else to do. All I can do is worry about you.” 

Ali watched as Ashlyn mentally absorbed what she had to say. She knew now was the time to convince her that she had her best interests at heart.

“Baby, I have tried to be supportive, but it’s killing me to watch you in pain day after day. All I want to do is to keep you safe. And I feel like no one else is concerned with your health and safety besides me! No one is watching out for you and I hate it. I’m sorry I never meant to hurt you. I just don’t know how to handle this.” Ali said. The more she spoke the more shaken her voice got. She was overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Alex, why didn’t you say anything?” Ash asked. Ali’s confession made her feel like she hadn’t been paying enough attention to her girlfriend’s needs. 

“Because you have enough to deal with. After everything I’ve put you through, I didn’t want to upset you even more.” Ali replied.

Ashlyn pulled Ali up out of her chair and embraced her tightly.  
 Ali objected at first saying, “Ash, your shoulder.”

To which Ashlyn replied, “I don’t care.” Ashlyn continued to hold Ali while she came undone in her arms. 

Ali ended up soaking Ashlyn’s injured shoulder with her tears. When she realized she was leaning on Ashlyn’s left side she freaked out. While wiping her eyes, she pulled away and said, “Ash, don’t let me hurt you!” 

Ali’s words caused her heart to clench in her chest. She had a lot of things she hadn’t forgiven herself for. Hurting Ashlyn was at the top of the list.

...

After Ali had confessed what she had been hiding from Ashlyn, Ash felt a greater need to protect her. It was evident that Ali was hurting. Ashlyn surmised that her girlfriend was in a more fragile state than she was letting on. Because of Ash’s injury, as well as her own, Ali was bombarded with a lot to deal with right after she had started her personal journey to find herself. 

Ashlyn was beginning to see cracks in her girlfriend’s strong facade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another important question will be answered in the next chapter. ;)


	21. Hurry Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are really going to start moving now. Up until this point the story's timeline has moved slowly in order to deal with certain issues. Now time is going to start moving a little faster. 
> 
> Please pardon any editing issues. I tried, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I'll go over it again in the morning. Happy reading.

“You ready?” Ash whispered to Ali. The two of them were next to each other in a team huddle, while Pia was giving some last minute instructions for practice. Everyone but Ali was dressed up in their practice gear.

“I hope so.” Ali quietly replied. Ash quickly gave Ali’s shoulder a squeeze before they had to separate. Ashlyn left with the other keepers and Ali met one on one with a trainer. 

Ali was getting closer to being fully recovered from her injury. She was about a month away from being 100% when the last national team camp before the Olympics was held. The team had invited her to visit for two days to show where she was at physically in her recovery and conditioning. Ashlyn was invited to camp as part of the regular camp roster and she did her best not to appear overly anxious about Ali’s tryout.

While Ashlyn ran through goalkeeper drills, she watched Ali jog around the practice field. Ali looked good, but there wasn’t much of an indicator of what the coaching staff was thinking while they watched her run laps and make runs and cuts to evaluate her knee strength and mobility. They monitored her heart rate and watched her form as she ran, but it was clear that she wasn’t where the rest of the team was. Both Ali and Ashlyn hoped that the trainers and coaching staff would give her the benefit of the doubt knowing that she had another month to prepare.

...

Ashlyn watched as Ali went from table to table chatting it up with all of the teammates she had missed so much. Ash sat next to Whitney and Tobin and smiled like a love-sick teenager. 

Whitney and Tobin stared at Ash until she could feel their eyes on her.

“What?” Ash asked, completely oblivious.

“We were just wondering what’s got you so giddy today.” Whit said with the sole purpose of harassing her best friend.

“Shut up.” Ash answered, but her smile still hadn’t fallen from her face. 

“It’s good to have her back.” Tobin said seriously while nodding towards Ali.

Ash agreed. “It really is.”

When Ali had finally made her way to Ash’s table, Tobin and Whitney moved their stuff to give Ali plenty of room next to Ashlyn. No one had to ask, they just knew that that’s where Ali would want to be.

“Al, it’s great to have you back.” Tobin said as she stuffed her face with a bite of a roll.

“Thanks.” Ali said. She slipped her hand into Ashlyn’s under the table and said, “It’s great to be back. Hopefully soon I’ll be around a lot more.” 

“You will be.” Ash replied confidently.

Ali squeezed her girlfriend’s hand thankfully and hoped that Ashlyn’s words would become truth. 

...

After dinner the team had a meeting. Ali wasn’t technically a part of the team at the time and she was unsure about if she was invited. 

“Just come.” Ash encouraged Ali as she finished getting ready. She and Ali had gone to Ali’s room after dinner and hung out for the short time they had before the team meeting.

“I don’t think I should, Ash.” Ali answered. “If anyone from the coaching staff asks about me you can text me and I’ll come down.”

Ash sighed and said, “Fine. Whatever you want.”

“But remember afterward you’re all mine.” Ali countered, trying to get a smile from her girlfriend. It wasn’t often that one of them had their own room at camp. Ali intended to make the most of it.

Ali watched as her girlfriend remembered their late night plans and broke out into mischievous smile. “Oh, yeah.” 

“Hurry back.” Ali said and stepped in for a kiss. Ash connected their lips and grabbed Ali’s waist with her right hand. She pulled her closer into herself and felt a heat rise between them. 

Ali put her hands on Ashlyn’s chest and gently pushed her away. As their lips parted Ali whispered, “Later.”

“Let’s both skip the meeting.” Ash said. She was too worked up to care about anything else.

“No, you need to get outta here before we both get in trouble.” Ali said. As she pushed Ash out of the room she promised to make Ashlyn’s wait worth it later.

...

During the meeting Ashlyn knew that Ali would be anxiously waiting to hear from her. She sent a few texts but none of them said that Ali’s presence was requested. Ash knew that her girlfriend would be disappointed, so she stopped at the check-in desk on her way back to Ali’s room and ordered her girlfriend’s favorite dessert from room service.

After paying for the food that would soon be delivered, Ash made her way back up to her girlfriend's room. She pulled Ali’s extra keycard out of her pocket and slid it into the lock. She knocked lightly as she entered and found Ali on her bed wearing a sports bra and sweatpants. She had fallen asleep holding her phone in her hand. Ash quietly approached the beautiful woman in front of her and took her phone from her hand. She chuckled softly to herself when she saw that Ali had fallen asleep texting her about how much she was looking forward to seeing her soon. She fell asleep before she had a chance to send it.

Ashlyn sat up against the headboard of the bed and positioned herself on the left side of Ali. She gently guided Ali to lay her head in her lap. She twirled a loose tendril from Ali’s messy bun with her fingers and within minutes she fell asleep beside the women she loved.

A knock on the door woke Ali up. When she saw that she was in Ash’s lap she felt her heart flutter. Ashlyn’s tenderness always amazed Ali. She was the strongest person she knew, yet Ashlyn had a softer side that only she got to see.

A second round of knocks got Ali’s attention. She carefully removed herself from Ash’s lap and made her way to the door. She forgot that she was in her sports bra, but was too tired to care. She answered the door and let the hotel attendant bring in a small table with two covered dishes and a vase with a red rose in the middle of the table.

Once the attendant left she peeked to see what her girlfriend had ordered for her. When she saw what it was she debated whether to wake Ash and eat together, or to let her sleep and eat both servings by herself. 

Ali had a better idea. She brought over one of the chocolate covered strawberries and took a bite. She sat down next to her sleeping girlfriend and placed a chocolate-strawberry flavored kiss on her lips. She continued until Ashlyn returned the kiss.

A small, quiet moan slipped from Ashlyn’s lips and Ali knew she had her attention. “Baby, thank you for the strawberries. You know they’re my favorite.”

Ash hummed in response. She was still waking up. Ali took another bite and held the rest of the fruit to Ashlyn’s lips and said, “Take a bite, Ash. Taste it for yourself.”

Ash followed Ali’s instructions and the sweet dessert, mixed with her girlfriend’s flirting, woke her up completely. 

“Are you ready for some more dessert?” Ali asked. 

Ash smiled and used her right hand to pull Ali’s face in close to hers. She kissed her girlfriend passionately as an answer. Ali spent the rest of the night ‘making it worth the wait’ for Ashlyn like she had promised. 

...

The next morning, Ali woke Ash up early so that she could return to her own room and get ready for the morning practice without any problems. She promised to stop by Ashlyn’s room on her way out.

“Let me know if you hear anything.” Ali asked as she hugged her girlfriend good-bye. She had been invited to the beginning of camp and once her brief workout was over, she had to return home to continue her conditioning. 

“I will.” Ash answered. 

“What do you think they’ll say?” Ali asked.

Ash smiled slightly and said, “I think you looked good out there.”

“You really think I have a chance?”

“If anyone deserves one, it’s you.” Ash answered.

“Aww...” Ali said and lightly kissed Ashlyn’s lips. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“Maybe we will find out that we’re both on the roster.” Ali said hopefully.

“Maybe.” Ash replied, sounding a lot less hopeful. 

Ali sensed Ashlyn’s doubt. “Baby, you’ve done everything you can do to prove you belong. They said that you had a real chance, that’s why you put off having surgery. I don’t see how they couldn’t take you to the Olympics.” 

“Maybe.” Ash said, repeating her sentiments from before. She had a gut feeling that she would be disappointed at the end of camp.

“Call me as soon as you find out.” Ali said. It was time for her to go. 

Ash promised that she would and gave her one last kiss before she left.

Both of the women’s futures were in Pia’s hands. They would soon find out what was ahead for them.

...

Ashlyn was depressed and Ali was angry. 

When Ash called Ali and gave her the news that neither of them had made the roster, Ali’s first thought was for her girlfriend. Ashlyn had suffered through months of pain because she was told that she had a real chance at going to the Olympics. And yet once again, Ashlyn was left off of another national team roster that she deserved to be on.


	22. Buzz

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.” Ali said as she answered her phone. Whitney had called knowing that today was Ashlyn’s surgery day.

“I wanted to talk to you first. I’ll call back later when Ash is out and coherent.” Whitney replied with a little laugh at the end. “How’s she doing?” Whit asked. She was also left off of the Olympic roster and knew how hard it was to deal with the feeling of rejection.

“She’s disappointed.” Ali answered. “We both are.” Ali added honestly. 

Whitney nodded along with Ali’s sentiments even though Ali couldn’t see her.

Ali continued, “She’s feeling really bad. If I’m being totally honest, Whit...” Ali paused to consider if she should continue. Whitney encouraged her to go on. “If I’m being honest, I would tell you that I am pissed right now. My girlfriend suffered for months at the promise of having a real chance. From what I saw, she was just as good, if not better than anyone else out there. The fact that the team made her feel like this was her shot even though it meant that she would suffer through terrible pain, and still leave her off the roster, makes me so angry.”

“You know how it is, Ali. They have to put people on the roster that they think have the best chance of helping the team win. At least you and Ash have an injury to blame for your absence on the roster. I, on the other hand, simply wasn’t wanted.” Whit said. 

“Don’t say that, Whit. You haven’t had enough playing time to prove how valuable you are.” Ali encouraged. Her argument about Whit only made her anger grow more. The same was true for her girlfriend.

“Let’s stop talking about me.” Whit said and then asked, “What about Ash? How is she handling things?”

“You know Ash.” Ali answered. “She’s tough, but she’s also emotionally and physically exhausted. I’m worried about her.”

Before Whitney could get a word in, the doctor showed up in Ashlyn’s recovery room where Ali was waiting. “Whit, I gotta go. Ash’s doctor is here.” Ali said and hung up before her and Whitney could say good-bye.

Ali stood up to talk to the doctor, but was distracted by the nurses who were pushing Ashlyn’s bed back into the room. Ash was still unconscious but Ali felt reassured just being able to see her and know she was ok.

“Surgery went well.” The doctor said. “We were able to repair the shoulder and reattach her bicep tendon.” 

“What do you mean reattach the bicep tendon?” Ali asked. She was unaware of Ashlyn’s second injury. 

“There was a partial tear in her bicep tendon. We found the tear in the last MRI we took a couple days ago. I didn’t have a chance to talk to her about it until this morning before surgery.” He explained. “She was aware of what needed to be done before she went under.” 

Ali’s heart was troubled with the knowledge that her girlfriend had to hear bad news about her injury without having her there to support her. For some reason she felt it would’ve been better if she was able to share the burden of worry with Ashlyn.

As the doctor explained what to expect after surgery, Ali made a mental list of all the things she needed to take care of to make Ashlyn’s recovery as easy as possible. When the doctor asked what her relation to Ashlyn was she answered without hesitation that she was her girlfriend. In that moment, Ali wished that Ash could have heard her for herself. Ali was proud to claim Ashlyn as her girlfriend. She wondered when that switch had flipped in her head. It really didn’t matter though. All she knew was that at some point in wanting to take care of Ashlyn, her priorities became clear.

...

During the ‘wake-up’ process for Ashlyn, Ali waited patiently by her side. She used her phone to look up ideas to make Ash’s recovery easier. Ali was startled when Ash started to wake up. Ashlyn’s head fell forward and jolted her awake for a few second before she let her head fall backwards into her pillow and fell asleep again. Ash did this almost a dozen times before she partially opened her eyes.

Ali was the first thing she saw.

“Hey, baby.” Ali softly greeted her sleepy girlfriend.

Ashlyn made a quiet groaning sound from the back of her throat and closed her tired eyes. This happened four times before Ash was able to keep her eyes open long enough to let Ali know she was alert and knew she was there. 

“How you feeling?” Ali asked. She brushed away a few loose strands of hair that had fallen in front of Ash’s eyes.

“Grrrreat.” Ash slurred. She was still loopy from the anesthesia. 

Ali smiled and stifled a laugh. Her girlfriend made for a cute patient. “The doctor said that everything went well. You did good, baby.” Ali encouraged.

“Yessss.” Ash replied with a failed attempt at a fist pump. Her body was still slow moving and uncoordinated. 

“We’re just waiting on you to get discharged after you wake up a little bit more.” Ali said while holding her girlfriend’s hand and lovingly stroking her arm.

“Mmm, hmmm.” Ash hummed as form of an answer. Ali didn’t try to carry on any more of a conversation with her. She kissed her gently and told her that she loved her.

Ashlyn’s eyes blinked slowly as she scanned the room. Ali could tell that she was becoming more and more aware with each passing minute. When her eyes met Ali’s face she forced herself not to blink at all. It wasn’t until she felt a dryness in her eyes that she shook her head clear of the thought that had consumed her. 

“What are you thinking?” Ali asked. She read her girlfriend’s actions perfectly.

“You are so beautiful.” Ash said with a sincere hint of awe.

Ali blushed and answered, “And you are so high.” 

“How’d I get a girl like you?” Ash asked in amazement. She answered herself and said, “I’m freaking lucky, that’s how.”

“Baby, I’m the lucky one.” Ali corrected. She leaned in for a kiss and felt an indescribable gratitude wash over her.

It took a couple hours for Ash’s doctor to approve her discharge. Ali helped her get dressed and pulled the car up so that she didn’t have to walk too far. When Ali hurried to open Ash’s door, Ashlyn couldn’t hold it in any longer. “You know that it’s my shoulder that’s injured, right?” Ash asked with a laugh. She had a large brace on that completely immobilized her left arm and shoulder. “I am still capable of using my other limbs.”

“Hey! I’m allowed to take care of you. That’s part of the deal.” Ali answered her sassy girlfriend. 

Ashlyn laughed as Ali helped her into the front passenger seat. Before Ali closed the door, she leaned in and gave her girlfriend a kiss. “I love you. I like taking care of you. I’m glad I finally get to.” Ali said. She was so thankful that Ash had gotten the surgery and was on the road to recovery. She had felt helpless over the last few months to do anything to help in Ashlyn’s suffering. Now she finally felt useful.

...

“Baby, I wanna show you something.” Ali said. She sat down on the arm of the recliner chair that Ash was resting in. The recliner was the only place Ashlyn could sit comfortably. Ali brought her iPad over and showed Ash a picture of a couch. “This couch has a recliner on each side. I can have it delivered tomorrow.”

“Why do we need a new couch?” Ash asked.

“Because you’ll need a recliner to sleep in.” Ali answered.

“We already have one. Umm, we’re both sitting on it right now.” Ash replied. 

“But I want to be able to sleep beside you.” Ali answered bashfully.

“Babe, we don’t know how long I’m gonna be like this. It might be a week or two. But I don’t think we should buy a couch for that.” Ash replied. She watched her girlfriend pout a little before she added, “But if you want we can move the couch next to the recliner.”

Ali sighed and said, “Ok. At least I’ll be able to hold your hand.” 

Ashlyn was on some strong pain meds, and she was definitely a little buzzed, but she was pretty sure her girlfriend was the cutest girl in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned in the previous chapter, things are going to start moving pretty quickly time-wise. I hope it will be a fun ride.


	23. Change of Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of a long chapter I've been working on.

“Promise me you’ll take your medicine on time and always wear your brace.” Ali requested. Ashlyn had been invited by a couple of her college friends to help host a soccer camp in North Carolina for children. Ali had kept her girlfriend on a strict regimen since her surgery and didn’t want it to be in vain because of a careless mistake.

“I will not promise that. I don’t need to wear my brace all the time. It’s annoying.” Ashlyn answered. It had been a few weeks since Ashlyn’s injury, and she was allowed to take the brace off when she wasn’t doing an activity that could jostle or hurt her shoulder.

“Ash, you know how you get.”

“What the heck does that mean?” Ash asked, slightly irritated.

“I just mean that you are gonna be preoccupied with the kids and having fun and then something will happen. I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve done so well up to this point.” Ali explained.

“I know what I’m doing. I’m gonna be careful. Don’t you think I’m sick of being injured?” Ash asked.

Ali scrunched up her face and tapped her chin a few times before answering, “Yes, you’ve been a very good patient.” Ashlyn smiled at the fact that her girlfriend had no complaints and recognized that she was actually capable of taking care of herself. 

Ali caught Ash’s eye, knowing what she was thinking, and added, “Please promise me you’ll continue to be a good patient so I don’t have to worry about you while you’re away.” 

“I promise.” Ash replied.

...

“I don’t know, HAO.” Ash said. “I think things FEEL better between us, but I don’t know if they really are.” 

“What does that mean?” Heather asked. The two of them were talking over coffee at their favorite cafe in North Carolina. HAO had just asked Ash about how her and Ali were doing.

“I think she’s replacing the need to deal with her own issues with the need to take care of me. She’s pushing all of her personal, emotional stuff back and focusing on me. Honestly, it would be much better for my well-being if she would take care of herself and not worry about whether I’m taking my medicine on time. She’s so focused on me, she can’t identify what’s going on inside of her.” Ash explained.

Heather nodded in understanding. Ashlyn made perfect sense. “Have you said this to her?”

“No.” Ash answered, feeling a little guilty.

“Ashlyn, why not?”

“Things are so easy right now. We don’t fight. We hold hands in public and cuddle on the couch. I just missed her so much when we were fighting. I can’t go through that again.” Ash answered.

“Well...” HAO hesitated. She was the older, wiser friend when it came to their friendship. Ashlyn was like a younger sister to her. She knew she needed to be honest. “If you don’t talk to her about this you WILL go through that again. And it will probably only be worse.”

Ashlyn took a bite of a cookie and pondered what her friend had said. She hated to admit it, but Heather was right.

...

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris!” Ali scolded from her end of the phone. There was no greeting, just the sound of disapproval.

“What’d I do?” Ash asked, having heard Ali’s tone many times before.

Ali pointed at her computer screen, as if Ash could see it, and said, “Why are there pictures of you on twitter without your brace on?”

Ash sighed in relief and answered, “I told you I am not going to wear it all the time. I didn’t do anything but stand most of the day. When I did more than that I wore it. No worries.”

“No worries.” Ali repeated. “That’s what you think. All I ever do is worry about you.” 

When Ash heard this confession she thought back on what HAO had told her. In that moment she chose not to follow her friend’s advice.

"How's your mom?" Ash asked, changing the subject.

Ali had decided to visit her family in Florida while Ash was away. Her whole world had been consumed with her and Ashlyn’s recovery.

"She's good. She said to tell you hi and that she misses you." Ali informed.

"Tell her ditto." Ash said with a smile. She saw one of the other camp leaders wave at her and knew her break was over. "Babe, I gotta go. My little soccer ninjas need me. I'll call you later."

"Ok. I love you." Ali said.

"Love you." Ash replied and they both hung up.

...

 

“Sweetheart, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Ali’s mom said cautiously. She had taken Ali out for a day of shopping and ice cream. The two women sat at an outdoor table to a beachfront ice cream shop.

“Ooookay.” Ali answered slowly. She was suspicious of her mother’s topic of conversation. She was quite certain it was going to be uncomfortable.

Deb squeezed her daughter’s hand and said, “I wanted to talk to you about Ashlyn.” 

“What about Ashlyn?” Ali asked. She didn’t really want to know any more. She answered quickly to keep her mom from saying anything else. “Ash and I are good. We’re both healing up great.”

“That’s good to hear, honey. But what I wanted to ask you about was how are you two doing after the World Cup?” Debbie asked.

Ali replied vaguely, “We’re doing great.” 

Deb knew that her beloved daughter was avoiding the question. She felt bad bringing it up, but felt that it was what was best for Ali. “Well, the last I heard you had spoiled Ashlyn’s plans to propose to you. You told Kyle you were talking to someone about that, but Kyle said you only went once.”

“Kyle needs to keep his big mouth shut.” Ali mumbled under her breath.

“Alex, you know you can tell me anything.”

Ali took a long look at her mother’s kind, pleading eyes and answered, “Fine.” After taking a deep breath, she told her mother everything.

...

After Ashlyn’s camp duties were over she returned to her and Ali’s home in DC. The two of them had purchased the house with the intent to settle down and start a family. The couple went back and forth about where they would live, but Ashlyn always knew she would give in to whatever would make Ali the happiest. The house was near the area where Ali grew up and her father and some other family members lived close by. 

Ashlyn loved her family and the chance to live near them meant being able to surf as much as she could ever want, but Ali’s happiness was much more important to her than anything else.

Ali wasn’t going to be back for another day. Ashlyn hated being in their house alone. She was fine being away. Her and Ali were constantly traveling and both were good at being independent when necessary as a professional athlete, but being in their shared home was a different story. Everything was imprinted with Ali’s touch.

Ash sent her girlfriend a quick text to let her know that she had made it home safely and that the house felt too big and lonely without her. She knew Ali would appreciate the thoughtfulness. 

From a fancy restaurant in Miami Ali glanced down at her phone saw that she had received a message from Ashlyn. She smiled as she started to type her response. She finally said, “Screw it.” and deleted her reply. She wanted to hear Ash’s voice instead of just read her words.

Ash picked up Ali’s call almost immediately. “Hey, babe. You’re supposed to be hanging out with your mom. You didn’t have to call right now.” Ash knew that Ali was at dinner with mother. She wasn’t expecting to get to talk to her until later that night.

“My mom’s in the bathroom.” Ali answered. “Besides, I couldn’t help it. I really wanted to hear your voice.” Ali explained.

“Awww. Gee, thanks.” Ash replied with a hint of sarcasm.

“Baby, how was your trip? How’s your shoulder?” Ali asked, completely ignoring her girlfriend’s sass.

Ash answered seriously. “It’s fine. I was a good patient, just like you asked.” 

“I’m glad to hear it. Thank you for being a good girl while I was away.” Ali said. She felt it was her turn to give her girlfriend a little bit of sass in jest. Ali laughed and then added with a bit of disappointment in her voice, “Baby, my mom’s back. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah. I’m not going anywhere. See you tomorrow. Love you.” Ash said.

“Love you, too.” Ali answered and then both women hung up.

Deb sat down across from Ali and asked, “How’s Ash?”

“She’s good. Her shoulder is fine. She said she missed me.” Ali answered with a small smile creeping on her face.

“Well, that’s good.” Deb replied. “Especially since you're planning on proposing to her in two days.”


	24. Unfinished Task

“Someone missed me.” Ash said with a cocky smirk on her face. Ali had shown her a night of dinner and dancing. She maintained some kind of physical contact with Ash the entire evening. 

Ali poked Ash in the side and answered, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did miss you. But try not to be such an arrogant ass about it.” 

Ashlyn laughed and put an arm around her girlfriend. The two of them walked together to the front door of their house. Ali changed things up and rushed to open the door for Ashlyn. Ash was usually the one to treat Ali like a princess, and Ali was usually more than happy to accept that role in the relationship. But today was different.

"You're acting very strange today." Ash said as she walked through the open door. 

Ali didn't answer. She brushed past her quickly and headed to their kitchen.

"Babe, for real." Ash called out as she watched Ali's figure scurry away. "What in the world is going on?"

Ash followed her girlfriend into the kitchen and caught her pulling out a large vase filled with roses. 

"I didn't know those were in there." Ash thought out loud. Ali still hadn't said a word since entering their house.

Ali nervously cleared her throat and presented them with both hands, "They're for you." 

Ash had her brace on, more for Ali's benefit than her own, so she carefully balanced the heavy vase in one hand and set it down on a nearby counter. "Thanks." Ashlyn said, feeling that there was more going on than she knew.

"Ashlyn..." Ali started to say but she trailed off as she patted her empty pockets. Ash watched her girlfriend's eyes fill up with absolute panic.

"Al, are you ok?" Ash asked. Ali was visibly shaking. 

"Hold on a sec." Ali answered and left Ash standing in their kitchen completely confused.

Ashlyn used the time alone to try and figure out what her girlfriend was up to. Her strange behavior was a hint that something was coming.

Meanwhile, Ali searched through her top dresser drawer for the ring she had purchased for Ashlyn. She pushed her underwear and socks aside hastily. Her nerves were buzzing and she was starting to think up the worst possible scenarios of where the ring could've gone.

Maybe she lost it while they were out. 

Maybe Ash found it and hid it because she didn't want to marry her.

Maybe she had dropped it in the toilet and now it’s floating around in the sewer system beneath the neighborhood...

Finally it dawned on her. "My jacket!" Ali yelled and ran back to where she had left Ashlyn. 

Before their date Ali had put the ring in her coat pocket. She laid it over the back of a chair. She meant to wear the leather jacket, but when Ash told her it was warm out, she left it.

By the end of their date, and with the excitement of the upcoming proposal, Ali completely forgot about it.

“Alex, seriously...what the heck is going on?” Ash asked. Her girlfriend’s behavior was starting to freak her out.

Ali fished the box out of her jacket pocket and immediately knelt down in front of Ashlyn. Ash’s eyes grew big. She breathed out the words, “Alex, don’t.” But Ali was too focused on the task of proposing to hear her.

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris, I love you. I’m ready to take the next step with you and proudly stand beside you for the rest of our days.” Ali said. She had the ring held out towards Ashlyn and she waited for a response. 

Ashlyn had a storm of emotions raging within her. She knew what it felt like to be rejected by the woman you loved. But she also knew that this was not the right thing for them. Ash also felt a sliver of anger at the fact that Ali thought she could propose her way out of dealing with her personal issues. Ashlyn felt that she wasn’t taking it seriously. Ash believed she deserved to be taken seriously.

She felt all of these things, but the emotion she felt the most was guilt. Ashlyn didn’t want to hurt Ali, but she saw no other way.

“Alex, please stand up.” Ash finally answered. 

The whole scene was awkward and sad. She used her right hand to help Ali up off the floor and then pulled a chair out from their kitchen table. Ali sat down, preparing herself to get her heart broken.

“Alex, I love you. There is no question about that. But you have to know that this is not the right thing for us.” Ash explained. She spoke to the top of Ali’s head because her girlfriend was staring at her hands in her lap as they held tightly to the little black ring box.

Ash continued, “You don’t want this.”

That got Ali’s attention. It lit a fire in her. “How can you say that? Of course I want this!” Ali slammed her palm against the table and said, “I’m the one who proposed. This is what I want.”

Ashlyn jumped when Ali smacked the table, but her resolve hardened at the outburst. “Alex, you’re avoiding your insecurities. You haven’t dealt with the real issue between us. You think that us getting married will fix everything, but it won’t. What kind of a person would I be if I let you do this?”

“I thought this is what you wanted.” Ali said in defeat. She put the ring box on the table in resignation. No one was getting engaged that night.

“It is what I want. But it’s not what you want.” Ash answered. She waited for Ali to argue, but the house remained achingly silent. A part of Ashlyn wished that Ali would fight for her. Even though she knew it wasn’t the right thing for them to be engaged right now, she wished Ali wouldn’t have given up so easily.

After an awkwardly long pause, Ali asked, “How do you know it’s not what I want?”

Ashlyn sadly explained, “Because you’re Ali Krieger. You would never propose in a kitchen. You would want some grand gesture. You’d want everything to be perfect. But even more than that, I know that you’re simply not ready.”

Ali knew Ash was right. She didn’t know it until Ash explained it, but she knew it was true. Ali never thought for one second about HOW she would propose. She didn’t even think about WHY she was proposing. All she thought about was that it seemed to be important to Ashlyn. It was a task on a to-do list. She thought it would make things better. She thought it would make Ashlyn happy. 

She was wrong.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I know how this feels. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to help you.” Ash explained. 

Ali felt hollow. Everything Ash said landed on deaf ears. She couldn’t focus on anything rational. Ashlyn’s rejection was at the forefront of her mind. 

“I..uh, um, I’m gonna take a walk.” Ali stuttered. She had to get out of there. Ali left Ashlyn and Ash’s would-be engagement ring in the kitchen while she took a walk around their neighborhood.

Ashlyn waited patiently. Ali went for an extra long walk, but her girlfriend expected that. When Ash heard the front door open she jumped up off the couch and hurried to meet her. 

Before Ashlyn could say anything Ali spoke. “I really don’t feel like talking, Ash.” 

“Ok.” Ash answered softly. She wanted to respect Ali’s wishes, so she watched Ali walk away from her without protest. 

It was late enough for them to go to bed. Ash hoped that Ali would let her stay with her, but she didn’t want to assume. Ashlyn followed her girlfriend to their bedroom and waited anxiously for her to give her a sign of how she should proceed. 

Ali was aware of what Ash was waiting for and spoke up. “I don’t want to talk, but you’re welcome to stay.”

Both women quietly got ready for bed. After they had been in bed for several minutes Ash broke the silence, “I just wanna say goodnight and that I love you.”

Ali didn’t reply. There was a heaviness in her chest and a lump in her throat that made it feel almost impossible to speak.

...

Two weeks had passed since Ali’s disappointing proposal attempt. Ali was finding it impossible to recover. Even when the women were next to each other in bed, there was an insurmountable distance between them. Ashlyn was aching to comfort Ali, but Ali didn’t want anything she had to offer.

That morning when Ali approached her, Ash was hopeful that things might be getting better.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Ali asked. Her voice sounded small and worn out.

“Of course!” Ashlyn answered energetically. She had been waiting for Ali to open up for far too long.

Ali couldn’t bear to look Ash in the eyes. She stared at Ashlyn’s bare feet and said, “So, um...my agent told me of a team in Germany that wants me for the rest of the season. I’m gonna go.”

Ash felt like Ali had just punched her in the stomach. She tried to stay hopeful, but Ali’s words were making it near impossible. “You’re going alone?” Ash asked. This was the first career decision since they got together that Ali had made without Ashlyn’s input. 

“Yes.”

“You’re leaving me?” Ash asked, searching for a more definitive answer of what Ali was hoping to accomplish.

Ali wiped a few stray tears, while maintaining her concentration on Ashlyn’s feet. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stick to her decision if she looked, up even for a second. 

Ali answered in an unsteady voice, “I feel like I need some time away.”

“From me?”

“Yes.”

Ash pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to clear her thoughts. “Are you breaking up with me?” Ashlyn asked.

“No.” Ali answered definitively. “I just need space to figure things out.”

“You need to go to a different country.” Ash said, shaking her head. “Are you sure that’s far enough away?” Ash was angry, but mostly broken. She couldn’t stand to look at Ali. It hurt too much. “Are you trying to punish me? Are you wanting to hurt me?” Ash asked in an accusing and pained tone.

“I’m not trying to punish you, Ash.” Ali answered. She finally looked up toward her girlfriend and immediately regretted everything she had said. How could she ever leave Ashlyn?

“Do what you gotta do, Alex. I just want you to be happy.” Ash said sadly. Ashlyn was trying to be the bigger person and take the high road, but it hurt too much to stick around. She left the room before Ali could respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you. Things are going to really start moving now.


	25. Stay With Me

TWO WEEKS AFTER ALI LEFT...

Ali promised to call Ashlyn everyday. She kept that promise, but even though she was on the other side of the phone or Skype call Ash felt like she really wasn’t there.

Ali was hiding from herself. She was avoiding working through her insecurities and fear of not living up to everyone’s expectations. Ali was especially afraid of disappointing Ashlyn. Unfortunately instead of facing her issues, she poured herself into training and soccer. She did all she could do to busy herself until her body was physically unable to continue. One reason she did this was because she felt she had a lot of ground to make up if she wanted to get back on the national team. Ali had a lot to prove.

But the other reason she was constantly wearing herself out was because she wanted to be able to fall asleep without Ashlyn. The only way this was possible was if her body was exhausted. Her mind couldn’t think if she was unconscious.

Ashlyn was the opposite of Ali. She had a difficult time doing anything but think of her girlfriend. She was the one who had to live life like normal in their shared house. She was the one who had to explain to all of their friends and teammates where Ali was and why she wasn’t with her. Ash always lied and said she had to stay home in DC for her recovery, but the truth was that Ali didn’t want her there.

...

Ashlyn heard the alarm on her phone go off. She had set it to go off every day at the same time. Ali promised to call her at a specific time every single day. Sometimes Ashlyn would text her and tell her that she wasn’t able to talk or video chat when she felt she didn’t have the strength to be hurt by Ali’s charade of indifference. But for the most part, they kept up their routine faithfully.

When Ash heard the alarm she hurried to gather her stuff. They had planned to Skype with each other and she wanted to keep up appearances. Whenever Ali Skyped her, she made sure she was at home. She didn’t want to let Ali know that she hadn’t been staying at their home since she left. The first night Ali was gone Ash cried and cried until she finally realized that there was no peace to be found in their house if Ali wasn’t in it. If there was any hope for her to get sleep, she had to leave. 

After hearing her alarm, Ashlyn grabbed her phone and laptop and stuffed them in a duffle bag. She threw the bag in her Jeep and drove home. When she arrived, a thick layer of sadness covered her. It was the same routine for every call. Ali would act super upbeat, not wanting Ashlyn to know how miserable she was, and Ash would barely say a word. She didn’t have the energy to pretend. Ali could clearly see that her girlfriend was unhappy, but she was too afraid to say anything about it. She knew she would fall apart if she did.

Like after every other video chat, Ash closed up her laptop, grabbed some clean clothes, and headed back out.

...

SIX WEEKS AFTER ALI LEFT...

Ashlyn had made a decision while Ali was away. She couldn’t continue like this. Her season with her club team was over. Ash had nothing holding her back from visiting Ali. She wasn’t going to let Ali treat her this way any longer. 

After a long trip, Ash showed her cab driver the address she needed to go to and anxiously practiced her planned speech in her head. She had flown all the way to Germany to have this conversation with Ali. She didn’t want to get it wrong or worse, chicken out. She held her bag tight into her chest and thought about what was at stake for her. This was it. If Ali didn’t face their problems and treat Ashlyn with respect and honesty, then she was planning to break up with her.

When the car pulled up to Ali’s apartment building, Ashlyn took a deep breath and readied her heart to see her girlfriend again. She walked nervously to the door and summoned all the strength she could come up with to knock on the door. Between knocks she heard a sound that she used to love to hear. Ali’s laugh was ringing loud and clear. 

The sound of joy behind the door broke Ashlyn’s heart. It seemed to confirm that Ali was doing just fine without her. Her girlfriend didn’t need her anymore.

Ali opened the door mid-chuckle. When her eyes landed on Ashlyn all of the joy and laughter disappeared.

“Ash?” Ali said softly.

Ashlyn bit her lip, trying to hold back tears. 

“Ash, what are you doing here?” Ali asked. She nervously looked back into her apartment towards her visitor. 

Ashlyn was stunned by the situation. She didn’t know what to do or say. Even if she did know, her mind and body weren’t cooperating. She was completely frozen in front of Ali.

“Ash?” Ali said softly. In front of her stood the damage of her actions that she had been trying to avoid for more than a month. “Are you ok?”

Ali reached out for Ashlyn and grazed her arm with her fingers. Her touch pulled Ash out of her fog. “Uh, sorry.” Ash said. “You have company. I’ll just....go.” Ash didn’t have anywhere to go. She had flown across an ocean to be with Ali and now that she was there, she felt a sudden need to leave.

Ali looked back into her apartment and stepped forward so that she was outside. She closed the door behind her and asked, “Ash, why are you here?”

Ashlyn turned around, looking for somewhere to go. She hoped to put off the inevitable for just a little while longer. She pulled her bag in close to her while she scanned the area. 

“Ashlyn, you’re not going anywhere.” Ali said. She wasn’t expecting Ash. She didn’t know what to say, but she knew she didn’t want her to leave. “Just come in.” Ali grabbed Ashlyn’s hand and pulled her inside. 

Ashlyn stood awkwardly next to Ali as she introduced her to her teammate. Ali had made a great effort to have someone over as often as possible. This was part of her strategy to avoid thinking about her girlfriend.

“Sorry to cut things short.” Ali apologized to her guest. “My girlfriend is full of surprises.”

At first Ashlyn was jealous that Ali was alone in her apartment with another woman, but the fact that she introduced her as her girlfriend made her feel a little better about the whole situation.

After Ali’s dinner guest left Ali got serious. She poured Ashlyn a cup of coffee and set it down at the table. Even though it was night time in Germany, it felt like the middle of the day for Ash. Ali hoped that their usual morning routine of coffee and talking might serve as an inspiration for Ash to open up now.

Ash sipped her coffee slowly and finally said, “We need to talk.” 

Ali answered, “We talk everyday. I don’t understand why you’re here. Or at least why you didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you would tell me not to come. I know you don’t want me around.” Ash replied.

“Ash, I never said that.”

“You said you needed time away from me. It’s been over a month. How much more time do you need? This isn’t ok, Alex!”

Ali couldn’t argue. She knew she had really messed up.

“So...” Ash said slowly. Now was the moment she had flown thousands of miles for. “What are we doing here? Do you still want to be together?”

“Of course I do!” Ali answered right away. “Why would you even ask that?”

“Is that a joke?” Ash asked sarcastically. “You seem to be having a lot of fun here. You don’t really seem bothered by the fact that we haven’t seen each other in six weeks. You’re always smiling when we Skype. And doesn’t it seem a little strange that you haven’t invited me to come visit you?” Ash said. All of the thing she had planned to say were coming back to her.

“Ash, you know I’m not trying to hurt you. I wanted to marry you and you said no. What did you expect to happen?”

“I expected you to realize how horrible this is. Have you even spoken to your therapist since moving here?” Ash asked. As far as she knew there was no sign of Ali making any effort to come back to her.

“I’ve been busy.” Ali answered.

That was all Ash needed to hear. Ali hadn’t tried to fix things in the six weeks she had been gone. Ashlyn took a deep breath and lifted her bag up from the floor. She unzipped the small carry-on bag and pulled out a folder. She slid it across the table to Ali.

“What’s this?” Ali asked.

“I need your signature.” Ash said.

“For what?” 

“I think it’s time to sell the house.”

“What are you talking about? Ashlyn, you can’t sell our house!” Ali replied passionately. How could Ashlyn want to get rid of their home?

“Alex, you’re not there anymore. We bought that house to be close to your family. Remember you are the one who left. You can’t expect me to stay there and pretend that every room doesn’t haunt me with memories of you.” Ash’s voice shook until a large lump filled her throat.

She finally had the chance to tell Ali the nightmare that her actions had forced Ashlyn to live through, but her emotions betrayed her. Ash could no longer hold it together.

Ali watched Ashlyn sob from the seat next to her. She wanted to reach out and console her, but she didn’t feel worthy enough to do it. Her guilt wouldn’t allow it.

Ali spoke softly, “Ash, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. If you want me to sign the papers, I’ll sign them.”

Ash didn’t want Ali to sign the papers. She wanted her to come home.

Ali continued, “But I’m not gonna sign them right now. Let’s sleep on it. You can’t leave tonight anyway.” Ali finally worked up the nerve to reach out to Ash. She put her hand on her girlfriend’s thigh and said, “Stay with me.”


	26. Forever

Ali insisted that Ash sleep in her bed with her. Ash didn't argue, but she ended up leaving after Ali fell asleep to go sleep on the couch.

When Ali woke up alone in bed she almost felt relieved. She thought maybe Ashlyn's visit and desire to sell the house was just a dream...or more like a nightmare. Her relief disappeared when she saw her girlfriend asleep in her living room.

Ashlyn looked uncomfortable. Ali's natural instinct to take care of her came flooding back. She went to her and whispered, "Baby, go lay down in my bed." Ali gently caressed Ashlyn's cheek. Her head was in an awkward position and Ali knew she'd wake up with a sore neck.

Ash woke up just enough for Ali to help her up off the couch and lead her into her bedroom. Due to major jet lag Ashlyn wasn't awake enough to put up a fight.

When Ashlyn eventually did wake up she was thoroughly confused. She doubted that Ali would have carried her. She shuffled out of bed and searched the upscale apartment for her girlfriend. 

Because Ash had surprised her with her visit, Ali didn't know to take the day off. She left a note explaining that she rearranged a few things in her schedule to allow her to return in a couple of hours, but for the time being Ash was on her own. 

Ash noticed that Ali had moved the papers she had brought for her to sign. She knew Ali well enough to guess the reason. Ali hoped that if she hid them they could avoid talking about selling the house for a while.

Ashlyn decided to look for them and ensure that Ali had to deal with their issues head on. As Ash searched she found an old picture of the two of them. Ali had framed it and set it on her night stand. Ash sat down on the bed and took the picture in her hands. She traced the curve of Ali's face and before she knew it a tear had fallen and hit the glass of the frame.

"I kiss that picture every night." Ali said from behind her. Ashlyn hadn't heard her come in.

Ash didn't turn around when she replied, "I thought you wouldn't be back for a couple hours."

"I wrote that a couple of hours ago." Ali answered with a slight smile. She took a seat next to Ash and covered Ashlyn's hand with her own. As they both held the picture she said, "I know I may not show it, but I've missed you."

Ashlyn closed her eyes and willed herself not to cry. Ali continued, "I stay busy and try to be alone as little as possible."

Ali put the picture down and pressed her open hand against Ashlyn's cheek. She turned Ash’s face towards her and said, "I've let you down, Ash. I know that. I thought I could show you that I have faith in us by proposing, but you were right. We weren't ready to be engaged." Ali stopped to correct herself, "I mean, I'm not ready."

Ashlyn leaned into Ali and pressed her face into Ali's shoulder. Ali held her for several long moments before saying, "Please don't leave me, Ash. I know I don't deserve for you to stay, but I can't live without you."

Ashlyn pulled away from Ali and sat up straight. She wiped her eyes and said, “I can’t go on like this, Alex. This arrangement that we have going on isn’t working. Things need to change or we need to call it.”

Ali’s eyes went wide when she heard Ash basically say that they might need to break up. She lunged forward and desperately clung to her girlfriend. “Please, Ash. We’ve been through too much to give up now.”

“Alex, you’ve already given up. You moved away because you couldn’t stand to be around me! You’ve been living here for a month and a half and even though I have nothing keeping me from being with you, you insist on us living apart. That’s not something that a regular couple would want.” Ashlyn gently pushed Ali away from her and said, “We’ve been apart before. It comes with the territory as professional athletes, but we bought our house and chose to play for the same team so that we would be together as much as possible. And you changed all of that without caring about how much it would hurt me.”

“Ash, I haven’t been ignoring your feelings. You’re all I think about!” Ali said, defending herself. 

“It doesn’t feel that way, Alex.” Ash replied. “It feels like you have chosen to be away from me instead of taking care of the real problem.”

“It’s not that simple.” Ali answered, desperate for Ash to understand.

“It is to me.” Ash said and stood up. She turned back towards Ali and asked, “Where are the papers, Alex?” Ash’s voice was strong and loud.

Ali stood up, matching her girlfriend's tone, “I’m messed up, ok? But I thought you would understand. All along you’ve told me not to feel guilty about my insecurities and feelings, and now you’re acting like I should.”

“Alex, that’s not what this is about.” Ash countered. “This is about you choosing to stay stuck and leaving me behind while doing it. It’s one thing to have issues and to work through them, it’s another thing to ignore them and be content to live that way.”

“I’m not content to live like this, Ashlyn!” Ali yelled at the top of her lungs.

Ashlyn took a step back, tilted her head, gestured to her girlfriend and asked, “Then why aren’t you doing anything about it?”

Ali froze in front of Ashlyn. It was as if a fog had lifted. She sat back down on her bed and softly said, “What am I doing?” It was a question more for herself than her girlfriend. 

Ash felt the shift in the emotion of the conversation. From the beginning she had wanted to be supportive of the journey Ali was traveling. The problem that she was having wasn’t that Ali was struggling, but that Ali had stopped trying to move forward. If Ali wasn’t willing to move forward, then they had no future together. 

Ashlyn sat down next to Ali and put an arm around her waist. Ali leaned into her and said, “I’ve been focusing on the wrong things.”

“Alex, I know it’s not easy. I don’t expect you to do everything perfectly. I could’ve handled things better.” Ash said, trying to comfort her girlfriend and take some of the blame. 

Ali turned toward Ash and asked, “When do you leave?”

Ash pulled away slightly at the poorly phrased question. Ali caught on immediately and apologized, “I didn’t mean it that way. How long do I have you for?”

Ashlyn laughed softly and answered, “How long do you want me?”

Ali’s eyes started to glisten and she answered as honestly as she could, “Forever.”


	27. Two Conditions

“Mmm.” Ali hummed softly. “It’s good to have your shoulder back.” She said and kissed Ash’s bare chest. The two of them had taken a break from talking once things heated up with Ali’s honest confession. 

“Yes, my shoulder has missed your head.” Ash joked. Since her injury, and later her surgery, their usual sleeping position had been impossible. “A lot has changed since you left.” Ash said more seriously. Her shoulder was no longer a problem. The only time it caused her pain was during and after physical therapy. She was well on her way to a full recovery.

“I know a lot has changed, Ash. I’m sorry that I haven’t been willing to change too.” Ali apologized. “But all that’s gonna change.” Ali promised.

Ash smirked and said with a laugh to make fun of the way Ali had said ‘change’ so many times in a row, “Did you CHANGE your mind?” 

Ali smacked her in the stomach and jumped on top of her. With both women still naked, she straddled her and said, “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you and you’re making fun of me!”

“Sorry, babe.” Ash said through a stifled chuckle. She had missed Ali’s company and having her close and in such a familiar way made her feel better than she had felt in a long time. Her corny sense of humor was a sign of how comfortable she felt with Ali at that moment. It was a welcome change. 

Ali bent down and squeezed Ash’s cheeks together before giving her a quick kiss. When Ali sat back up Ashlyn’s eyes didn’t rise to meet her girlfriend’s.

“Ash, stop staring at my boobs!” Ali said and playfully poked her girlfriend in the side. Ash’s eyes popped up and met Ali’s gaze. “We aren’t gonna get anything accomplished until we put on some clothes.” Ali wisely stated. She moved from her position over Ash and barely escaped Ashlyn’s hand smacking her butt.

Ali threw her girlfriend’s clothes at her and left to change in the bathroom. She didn’t want to tempt Ashlyn. She had avoided having a difficult conversation with Ashlyn for long enough. She couldn’t let herself waste another second.

Once both women were fully clothed and not it bed, Ali considered it safe to continue their conversation. She found her girlfriend sitting on the couch in the living room of her apartment. Ash had a guilty smirk on her face. 

“Ashlyn, you came all this way to work things out. You have to behave! We need to talk.” Ali said, before her girlfriend had a chance to try to seduce her. 

“Babe, it’s been six weeks since I last saw you and even longer since we’ve been together. Give me a break.” Ash answered. 

Ali strategically walked to the other side of the room and sat in a chair far enough away from Ash to make sure she could stay focused. “I know. And it’s been even longer since we’ve had sex.”

“Before an hour ago.” Ash corrected.  
 “Yes.” Ali said trying not to smile. “Before and hour ago.” She sat up straight, crossed her legs, and folded her hands in her lap. She looked very serious and official. It was time to get down to business. “Ashlyn, we obviously need to figure some things out. I do not want to sell our house. That’s our home. It’s where we started our life together.”

“Alex...” Ash whined. “Why do we have to talk about this right now?” Ashlyn had flown all the way to Germany to have this conversation, but being so close to Ali after the long separation made her want to put it off for just a little while longer.

“Ash, I’ve been avoiding this for too long. We need to talk about what’s going on with us.”

“I know. I just really don’t want to fight with you.” Ashlyn replied. She knew it was futile, and also a bit hypocritical, but she felt she had just gotten Ali back. She worried that if they talked she would lose her again.

Ash’s confession saddened Ali. It was a harsh reality check of the status of their relationship. Their passionate lovemaking was nothing more than a distraction. 

“Ash, I’ve been hiding for too long. I can’t bare to do it another second.” Ali said. She knew that Ash was no longer in a flirtatious mood. It was now safe to get a little closer. She walked across the room and sat down next to her girlfriend. She could tell that Ash was much more guarded than she was just a few minutes ago. The moment had finally come. 

Ali took a deep breath and asked, “How have I hurt you?”

Ashlyn couldn’t really believe what she was hearing. How could Ali not know what she had done to her? The question was an answer in itself. 

“Alex, the fact that you are even asking me that is infuriating.” Ashlyn answered. She stood up, wanting to put some space between her and Ali. Ali reached out and grabbed Ash’s wrist to try to pull her back. 

“Ashlyn, I’m trying!”

Ash turned and accused, “Are you?” 

“Yes.”

“How are you trying, Alex? Are you trying by moving away from me and pretending that everything is fine? Or are you trying by not acknowledging the huge identity crisis you’ve been going through?” Ashlyn’s reply had a sharp bite to it. “Or maybe it’s that you’re doing all of this knowing that this could break us and it doesn’t seem to really be that important to you?”

Ali knew it was coming, but nothing could’ve prepared her for how Ashlyn’s words made her feel. She wanted to defend herself, but she couldn’t. Her lack of response created an awkwardly long silence to hang in the air. Which only fueled Ashlyn’s anger and disappointment.

Ashlyn pulled her arm out of Ali’s grip and said, “You can’t even fight for us. That’s all I want. I want you to fight for us!”

“That’s what I want!” Ali replied, desperate to convince her. “Ash, this stuff is easier for you. You’ve always known who you are. I’m still figuring it out.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that?” Ash said sadly.

Ali was nervous to say it, but asked anyway, “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, you’ve known you need help since the World Cup. That was a long time ago, Alex. You know that a lot is riding on whatever it is that you work out emotionally. I’m dangling here wondering what’s gonna happen. Think about it. Maybe you’ll decide you don’t want to be with me. Maybe you’ll decide that you do. I don’t know.” Ash explained. 

Her heart was breaking right in front of Ali. As much as she wanted Ali to get help and address her insecurities, there was a fear in the back of her mind that told her Ali might not want to continue being in a relationship with her. Ali might choose the safer, easier road. Or maybe Ali would decide that she couldn’t love her anymore. 

Even though she had a lot to lose, Ash had always encouraged Ali to take care of herself and work through her problems. She only ever wanted what was healthy and best for her girlfriend.

“Ashlyn, what I need to work out isn’t about loving you...or choosing you.” Ali answered honestly. She was as vulnerable as she had ever been with her girlfriend. “It’s me. I know that you are who I want to be with, I know that.”

“But you’re here.” Ash said, and spread her arms out motioning to the German apartment that was thousands of miles away from their home in DC. “You say you want to be with me, Alex, but you left. You left me. That’s a fact. You walked away from our life together. You’ve been living here as if I don’t exist.” Ashlyn put her head down and added, “Someone who loves a person doesn’t do that.”

“Ash, what do I have to do to make you know that I love you?” Ali asked. 

“I know that you love me.” Ash answered. “What I don’t know is if you love me enough to do what needs to be done to make this work.”

“Now I’m the one who doesn’t have an answer.” Ali mumbled. She was exhausted. “Ash, you’re all that I want. You will always be all that I want.”

“Again Alex, then why are you here?”

Ali suddenly had an idea. “Move in with me.”

“What?”

“You don’t have anywhere you have to be until your shoulder heals up. You can do your PT here. The Germans are great at recovery.” Ali said. She got up from the couch and carefully approached her girlfriend. “Move in with me, Ash. Give me a chance to do it the right way this time.”

“I don’t have any of my stuff here.” Ash said under her breath. 

Ali smiled slightly. Ashlyn didn’t say no. Ali replied, “Baby, we can fix that. I don’t know about you but I could use a little retail therapy.” 

Ashlyn was visibly working through the offer in her mind. Ali could see stress of an internal struggle written all over her face. She patiently waited for a response.

“What’s gonna make this any different then when we lived together in our home?” Ash asked. It was a valid question. They were living together and then Ali chose to leave.

Ali shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Maybe it will feel like a fresh start for us.” Ali gently took Ashlyn’s hand in her’s and said, “I missed you like crazy. I’ve tried doing this without you, and it doesn’t work. Move in with me...I promise to be more open. I promise everything will be different.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath and said, “I’ll only move in with you if you agree to two conditions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think the conditions are????


	28. Every Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things...
> 
> 1\. This chapter wouldn't let me fall asleep. If there are typos I will fix it when I wake up. I literally typed it on my phone as I laid in bed.
> 
> 2\. Some of you have been upset with Ali. Some upset with Ash. This chapter will hopefully clearly explain my thoughts on the subject.

"It's a deal!" Ali answered emphatically.

"You haven't even heard the two conditions yet." Ash answered. She wanted to make a joke, but knew it was important she stayed serious. At least for now.

"Ok." Ali replied. "What are your conditions?"

"Condition number one..." Ash started. "You get counseling. No more avoiding your problems. If you want the lady who helped you before, then you can video chat with her or something. If you want someone else, then we get someone else. But either way, we make an appointment today." 

Ali took a shaky breath and answered, "Will you go with me?" 

"Alex, I will do whatever I can to help you. So...yes, I will go with you." Ash answered lovingly. She knew Ali was scared. Ash hated that she had to be so harsh with her, but it was for her best interests. And sometimes love has to do the hard things.

Ali stood from her seat on the couch and crushed Ash in a hug. She held onto her girlfriend for dear life. Ali was ashamed that it seemed so much harder for her to face her inner demons than it was for Ashlyn. She was honestly afraid of what she might find.

"Ash, I love you so much. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'll do anything to make you happy." Ali promised.

Ash replied, "It will make me happy if you start worrying more about making yourself happy."

Ali nodded her head in understanding. She was still in a tight embrace with her girlfriend, so Ash felt the nod of agreement more than saw it. Ash squeezed her one more time and kissed her forehead. She loosened her grip and said, "I'll be beside you every step of the way."

Ali smiled and whispered her thanks to Ash for her support. As she thought about how grateful she was to have Ash, she remembered that her girlfriend had two conditions, not one.

"Hey, what was the second condition?" Ali asked.

Ash immediately smirked and said, "Condition number two is...You have to agree on having 'Naked Wednesday's.'"

Ali bursted out in laughter. Ashlyn had successfully lightened the moment. Again, Ali wondered how she got so lucky to have Ash.

"What does that even mean?" Ali asked, with a hint of flirtation in her voice.

"Well, I think the definition is in the name, but it means every Wednesday we don't wear clothes." Ash answered. She quickly corrected herself and said, "When we're in the apartment."

Ali shook her head and asked, "Why Wednesday?" 

Ash chuckled and wagged her eyebrows a few times before answering, "Because today is Wednesday."

Ali gladly took her shirt off to prove that she was a willing participant of 'Naked Wednesday's.' Ashlyn promptly joined her and the couple continued undressing as they made their way to THEIR bedroom.

...

TWO DAYS LATER...

"Let me leave you both with a thought to consider." Ali's therapist said as she was wrapping up her first session with the couple over Skype. 

"Every person on planet earth is on their own journey. There are many different destinations and many different roads to take to get there." She continued to say. 

Ash was scrunching up her face in deep thought trying to picture what she was saying, and Ali had wide eyes, hopeful that the woman was going to bring some clarity to what she was experiencing.

The therapist added, "It's important to validate one another's journey. Right now it may feel that Ashlyn is miles ahead of you and moving at a sprinter's pace. That's ok. Both of you are where you need to be at this moment in your life's journey."

Ali nodded and Ash continued to listen intently. 

"We all have what I call 'mirror moments' in our lives that act as mirrors. These moments can often feel big, though sometimes they are small. But when they happen they force you to take a good look at yourself." 

The therapist had been speaking to both women but after saying all that she singled Ali out. "Ali, your 'mirror moment' was the World Cup. It took the limelight to get you to see what you previously hadn't been forced to see about yourself."

The therapist shifted her attention to Ashlyn, "Ash, I don't know your 'mirror moment,' but from what I do know is that you are much farther along on your personal journey than Ali. There are some things that you both need to know." 

The woman on the screen got very serious, it almost seemed ominous. "It's not fair for either of you to compare journeys and say that one is right, or one is wrong. We don't have control of our 'mirror moments.' But what we do have control over is how we respond to them."

After a nod from the couple she continued, "Ashlyn, it's not wrong for you to walk away."

This sentence sent chills down Ali's spine. This was not what she was paying the therapist to say. She wanted her to make their relationship better, not tell her girlfriend to leave her.

The woman continued, "If that's what is best for you and your journey, then that's what you have to do. Often timing is the biggest factor in two people being together. Ali can't be faulted for going at a slower pace if that's what's healthier for her. What you need to decide, Ashlyn, is if waiting for Ali is what's best for you. Do you choose to walk the same road with Ali, even if it means slowing down a bit and letting her catch up with you? Or do you let her go?"

The more Ali heard, the more she regretted agreeing to talk to a therapist. She wasn't concerned with herself so much as she was worried about losing the love of her life.

"And Ali..." The woman on the screen said, pulling Ali out of her thoughts. "You need to decide which set of consequences you're willing to live with."

That statement got a puzzled look from both Ali and Ash. 

"You need to decide if you're willing to lose Ashlyn for the sake of being comfortable and not judged by people. There are consequences for either choice. You have to decide what you can live with." 

The therapist looked at her watch and saw that they only had a few minutes left in their session. She closed their time together with one more thought.

"For both of you being together and walking the same road means compromise. Ashlyn, you're gonna have to be patient and understanding when Ali is behind you. And Ali, you're gonna have to make huge efforts to keep moving forward. If you both can do that, one day your pace will sync up. But it's gonna take compromise."

After Ali's therapist was finished, they set up their next appointment. Both women were left with a lot to think about. 

...

Later that night as they walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner, Ali asked the question she had been dying to ask since their therapy session, "Do you think it's best for you to let me go?"

Ashlyn didn't answer at first. She cleared her throat and tugged a little at her shirt collar. "I've been thinking about that." Ash answered. "She said the whole timing thing is often the most important thing."

Ali waited with bated breath for Ashlyn to spit out her reply. Everything she cared about hung on her answer.

"I'm not sure I agree."

"What do you mean?" Ali asked.

"I can't think of any time in my life, whether it be past, present, or future, when you're not what's best for me."

Ashlyn's answer brought a warmth to Ali's whole body. She couldn't understand how she could be so loved. After everything that she had put Ashlyn through, Ash was still fighting for her. She was still believing in her.

"Ash, I don't deserve you." Ali said with tears beginning to spill from her eyes. 

Ashlyn used her finger to catch them before they fell and answered, "Every road I could ever take will always lead to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you reading this may be at a difficult place in your journey. I want to encourage you to just focus on moving forward. Even if you have to crawl, it's important that you try. We all have struggles and challenges. It's important for you to know that you matter. And even if you feel a little behind, your efforts are not in vain. 
> 
> Anyways...that's what's been on my heart as I've been writing this story.


	29. In Sync

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer than normal chapter that covers a lot of time. I tried to make it clear within the story whenever a chunk of time has passed. Let me know if I need to clarify anything.

"Ugh! Death has come!" Ash exclaimed through an awful stomach cramp. "This is where it ends for us, Alex. Always remember me." Ash said dramatically. She was bent over a toilet and losing what was left of the contents of her stomach.

"Poor baby." Ali said as she came back into the bathroom to wipe Ash's hot, sweaty forehead with a cool, wet wash cloth. 

"Alex, why does Germany hate me?" Ash asked with a pained voice. She was almost certain that there was nothing left in her stomach to throw up. She laid down flat on the cold tiled floor and said, "Why, Alex?"

"Baby, you're gonna be ok." Ali promised. She sat down next to Ashlyn's exhausted body and rubbed her back as Ashlyn squirmed through another stomach pain.

Ali tried to speak in calm soothing tones, but her comforting words could barely be heard over Ashlyn's groans of pain.

"Do we need to go to the hospital?" Ali asked. Nothing seemed to help. Ashlyn was suspicious that she had food poisoning. 

"No, we need an exorcism." 

"Baby, I'm sure that's not true." Ali said with a slight chuckle. Even when Ashlyn was in pain she still had the ability to make her laugh.

"Ash, I don't like that you're hurting so much. This isn't healthy." Ali said and grabbed an open bottle of Gatorade off of the bathroom sink counter. "Baby, can you sit up and take a couple sips?" Ali asked. 

Ash rolled onto her back and through gritted teeth said, "Nothing is allowed in my stomach right now." Ash pushed the bottle away and rolled back to her side. She pulled her knees up towards her chest and took deep breaths like a soon-to-be-mother in labor.

Ali had to leave for practice in a few minutes and had no intention of going. "Baby, I'll be right back."

Ash stretched out on the floor towards the door where Ali had just walked out and said, "Bring back a crucifix, a Bible, garlic, anything..."

There was no way Ali would leave her over dramatic, sickly girlfriend alone in their shared German apartment at a time like this. She scrolled through her contact list and made the necessary call. 

"Hey, coach." Ali said. "I'm sorry but I'm not gonna make it to practice." 

When her coach asked why, she answered with a slight shake in her voice, "My girlfriend is really sick.” Ali’s coach didn’t seem to think anything of it and it made Ali feel more confident. She added without hesitations, “I'm worried about leaving her alone."

The coach gave Ali and Ash well wishes before the call ended and Ali returned to Ashlyn’s side.

"Ash, do you think you're ready to go back to bed?" Ali asked. Ash hadn't thrown up in a while and she was positive a bed, or even the couch, would be more comfortable than the floor.

Ash grunted in response. She rolled over and Ali took that as an invitation to help her up.

Once they had both settled into their bed, with Ashlyn's head in Ali's lap and the rest of Ash's body in the fetal position, things started to look up. Ashlyn quickly fell asleep and Ali busied herself with catching up on gossip through social media and watching YouTube videos on her phone. She used her free hand to alternate between massaging Ashlyn's head and back. Eventually Ali fell asleep too.

Once Ashlyn had agreed to move in with Ali three weeks ago, Ali had stepped up her efforts in moving forward through her insecurities and feelings. She had Skype meetings with her therapist at least once a week and had made great progress. Ashlyn assured her that she wasn’t going anywhere as long as Ali was wiling to work to move forward. 

Ashlyn found a trainer to help with her shoulder. She was quickly improving and felt that having Ali nearby was a big part of that. Ash didn’t have to worry or pine away for her girlfriend and her commitment anymore. Her heart and mind were in a peaceful place and it affected every aspect of her life. 

Ali had introduced Ash to her teammates and they spent a lot of time taking in as much of Germany as they could while they were there. Ali had a short contract and both were secretly hoping to return home to DC once the season ended. Neither brought up this desire. Ash didn’t want Ali to feel pressured. 

Ali didn’t want to assume that her girlfriend would automatically accept her back into their normal routine and home life. She felt like she was one mistake away from Ashlyn giving up on her. Ever since her therapist had told Ash that it might be healthier for her to move on from Ali, she had secretly worried that Ash would leave her.

...

Ali woke up before Ashlyn did. Ash had barely slept the night before due to food poisoning. The previous night Ashlyn had asked her girlfriend to take her for an authentic German meal. By the time the couple returned to their apartment, Ash’s stomach was in knots. She knew she was in for a long night.

When Ashlyn finally did wake up she was starving. She found her girlfriend watching a soccer game on tv and answering email messages on her laptop. Ali stood up the moment she saw Ash and followed her into the kitchen. Ashlyn headed straight for the refrigerator. 

“Are you feeling better, baby?” Ali asked. She rested her hand on the small of Ashlyn’s back. Ash pushed her hip back and towards Ali as a sort of greeting, without having to take her focus off of the perfect snack she was searching for.

“Ash, you should drink something before you eat anything.” Ali instructed. She opened the refrigerator door wide and reached in front of her girlfriend. She grabbed a sports drink and handed it to Ash, before pulling her away and making her sit at the table. “I’ll make you whatever you want. Drink.” Ali said and pointed to the bottle in Ash’s hand.

“You’re bossy.” Ash said with a smirk. “I like it.”

“Oh, believe me I already know that.” Ali answered with a devilish grin.

Ali looked through the kitchen for something that wouldn’t upset Ashlyn’s temperamental stomach. They both agreed on chicken soup and Ali quickly started preparing it. When it was done, the two shared a bowl. Ali didn’t eat much, she mostly just watched Ashlyn slurp the broth carefully. As hungry as Ash was, she wasn’t gonna tempt fate and eat too much, too fast.

“How was practice?” Ash asked between slurps.

Ali looked at her in slight confusion. “I didn’t go. You didn’t know that?” Ali asked.

Now it was Ashlyn’s turn to be confused. “You didn’t go?” 

“Ash, I wasn’t gonna leave you alone. You were claiming you were on your death bed.” Ali said with a crooked smile.

Ash laughed at herself and answered, “Sorry. I didn’t mean for you to have to miss anything because of me. Are you gonna get in trouble?”

“I don’t think so. I told them my girlfriend needed me.” Ali answered nonchalantly. She waited for Ash to respond. Ali wanted it to seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but it really was.

“You told them that your ‘girlfriend’ needed you?” Ash asked in a small, but eager voice.

Ali smiled, glad that Ash had picked up on the weight of the request. “Yes, my sickly girlfriend. I did.”

Ali and Ash’s relationship wasn’t really a secret per se. Ali had introduced Ash as her girlfriend to her teammates, but never to her coaches or the training staff. It was a small step, but for Ali it felt like a giant leap.

Ashlyn was proud and appreciative of Ali’s progress.

...

After three months of living together in Germany, Ali’s contract was weeks away from ending. Ali had received a phone call from her agent that prompted her to finally address the issue of where the two of them would be living in the near future.

“Ash, can I talk to you for a minute?” Ali asked. She had some news that could potentially be exciting and perfect if everything lined up just right. There were a couple of variables, but the most important one was Ashlyn.

Ash was distracted by a little boy who was holding on very tightly to a red balloon outside their window. It was a neighbor boy who she had become close to since moving in. Ashlyn had given him the balloon two days ago for his birthday. The balloon was now slightly deflated and the helium wasn’t doing it’s job as well as it did the first day he had it. The child dragged it proudly by the string where ever he went.

“Baby?” Ali said, trying to get her girlfriend’s attention. Ash hummed in her direction but was clearly still focused on the child outside their window. Ali couldn’t be mad at her girlfriend’s adorable behavior toward a cute kid, but she had a serious matter to discuss. 

Ali stepped in front of the window, blocking Ashlyn’s view completely. “Baby, we need to talk.” 

Ali’s serious tone alarmed Ashlyn. She was sure she was in trouble. “What’s wrong?” Ash asked anxiously.

Ali’s response was a sympathetic smile, which alleviated Ashlyn’s worries. “Ash, I got a call from my agent that I want to talk to you about.”

“Oh.” Ash replied, knowing that a call from Ali’s agent could mean almost anything for their future together.

“Right now US Soccer is helping start a professional league in the US.” Ali explained. “They are gonna pay the salary for national team players to play in the league.” 

Ash stayed quiet and waited for Ali to continue.

“Right now they have a list of players that they are contacting about this. There are eight teams and they want us to pick the team we would most like to play for.” Ali added. “There’s gonna be a team in DC.” 

Ash nodded. Things were starting to make sense. Ali wanted to go home and play soccer for her hometown. 

Ali knew that she needed to be more clear. “Baby, you’re on the list too.”

“I am?” Ash asked. She had been injured. They had recently watched the US team win gold in the Olympics without them. Ali was fit and back to her old form, maybe even better than ever. Ash was almost done healing from her surgery but she hadn’t had a chance to play since the last team camp when she found out she didn’t make it on the Olympic roster.

“You are!” Ali confirmed. “I think we should both put DC as our first choice, and then match our second and third choices too.”

Ash was speechless. It was a huge encouragement to her to hear that the national team still had her on their radar. They were willing to further invest in her career. This was big news to her.  
 Ali took Ash’s silence to mean that she wasn’t happy about potentially moving back home and playing for the same team as her. She quickly backtracked. “Or we can choose different teams. Whatever you want.” Ali said.

That got Ashlyn’s attention. “You want to play for different teams?” Ash sounded hurt and confused when she asked the question. Though they hadn’t spoken about it, Ash assumed they would always try to be together from now on.

“No, I mean...” Ali was flustered by the question. It was time for her to be brave. “I mean I don’t want to assume that you want us to move back to our house.” She put her head down and softly admitted, “Although, that’s what I’m hoping for.”

“Are you serious?” Ash asked, suspicious that Ali was trying to be funny or cute. Surely she couldn’t be serious.

“Yes, Ash. I’m serious.”

“Why do you think I’m here? I hated being apart. Of course I want to move back to our house. Of course I want to play on the same team. Are you kidding me?!” Ash replied emphatically. “That’s all I want.”

Ali’s grin slowly grew wider and wider. They were going to have to finish their serious conversation later. Ashlyn had just earned herself a BIG thank you. Ali tackled her to the floor and after a long make-out session dragged her to the bedroom to finish what she had started.

...

Ali had a week left with the team and the couple was still waiting to hear back about their NWSL placement. They were fairly confident that Ali would be placed on the Washington team because of her childhood roots. The league wanted to place players on teams where they had community ties, if possible. Ashlyn’s placement was more of a question mark. The New York team wanted her and had been pursuing her. The coaching staff had called her and tried to convince her that she should put the Flash down as her first choice. 

Their efforts were all done in vain, of course. 

Nothing was more important to her than Ali.

Ali had played in her final game with Frankfurt and had her last team meeting the following day. The team had gotten all of their players invitations to a fancy sports awards ceremony. Ali held a paper in her hand that had a ‘plus one’ written next to her name. She had a decision to make. Ali debated between staying home and not telling Ash about the event, or inviting Ash to come along with her and possibly telling the world they were together.

Ali felt like she knew what the right thing to do was. She didn’t want to disappoint her girlfriend.

“Ash, you wanna go to an awards thing with me?” Ali asked. She didn’t want to give herself a chance to chicken out. 

Ash was packing the rest of their closet when Ali had asked the question. “What’s it for?” She asked.

“It’s a super fancy gala type awards thing.” Ali said. Her explanation wasn’t very descriptive, but she really didn’t know much more about it.

“Is it televised?” Ash asked.

“Yeah.” Ali answered.

“And you want me to go with you? Like...as your date?”

“Yeah.

Ashlyn was skeptical, but she didn’t want to discourage Ali. “Are you sure about that? There will probably be photographers too.”

“Ashlyn, I said I was sure!” Ali quickly replied. Her volume was a little louder than she wanted, but her tone was clear. She was defensive and desperate.

“Ok.” Ash answered calmly. Ali was trying and far be it for her to be the one to discourage her.

“You don’t sound very excited.” Ali remarked. She was a nervous wreck thinking about it herself. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“Babe, I am. Thanks for wanting me to go.” Ash answered. 

Ash took her girlfriend in her arms and shared a loving embrace. She felt the mood was a little too intense so she planted a quick kiss on Ali’s neck and then picked her up and threw her on their bed. Ali chased her around the apartment for the next fifteen minutes, seeking her revenge.

...

The night of the awards event had quickly arrived and both women were dressed to impress. Ali wore a short black dress with high heels and Ash wore a dapper suit and tie combo. On the way to the event Ali was affectionate and clingy. Ashlyn gladly accepted the extra lovin’ but she sensed that Ali wasn’t completely comfortable with the situation. 

When it came time to walk the red carpet into the auditorium Ali held tightly to Ashlyn’s hand. As the flash bulbs and sound of cameras taking pictures continued, Ali came unraveled. Ashlyn felt her stiffen next to her. All color left Ali’s face as she took in the crowd of people around them. Without warning she let go of Ashlyn’s hand and opted to walk a few steps in front of her. 

When Ali, Ash, and Ali’s teammates had reached their seats, Ali excused herself to use the bathroom. Ashlyn sat with the group wondering if anyone had seen what Ali had done. She couldn’t stand sitting there for more than a few minutes before she decided to leave to find her girlfriend.

Ashlyn found the bathroom. She didn’t see Ali, but she heard her. Ali was sitting in a stall, crying. Ashlyn took a deep breath to control her own hurt feelings and tapped quietly on Ali’s stall door. 

“Someone’s in here.” Ali announced. Her voice cracked as she said it. 

Ash tapped again with her knuckles and said, “Al, it’s me.”

Ashlyn heard Ali sigh sadly. It took her a few moments to blow her nose, and dry her eyes, but she eventually opened the door for her girlfriend. Ashlyn knelt down in front of her and asked, “Why are you so upset?”

Ali didn’t have an answer. All she could do was give a desperate request. “Please don’t leave me.”

Ashlyn stood up and pulled Ali into a hug. She asked, “Why would you say that?”

“Because I pulled away from you. I dropped your hand. I freaked out.” Ali said through tears.

“Alex, I don’t need you to hold my hand at an awards ceremony.” Ash answered. “I don’t want you to do something just because you’re afraid that if you don’t I’ll leave you.”

Ali rested her head in the crook of Ashlyn’s neck and said, “I keep thinking about what my therapist said the first time you and I talked to her. She told you that it was ok if you wanted to leave me. She said it might be what’s best for you. I don’t want to disappoint you, Ash.” Ali said. She felt Ash squeeze her a little tighter as she continued her confession, “I’m not ashamed. I’m just not as comfortable with everyone knowing about our private life...like you are.”

“Alex, I don’t care who does or doesn’t know. I don’t even care about this event. What I care about is you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m some jerk that’s gonna leave you the moment you don’t do everything just right. You’ve been awesome, babe. I mean that. I’m nothing but proud of you. I don’t need you to hold my hand on the red carpet. I need you to know that I love you and I’m here to stay.”

“I love you.” Ali breathed out quietly. Ashlyn had said exactly what she needed to hear. She felt like they were finally in sync.


	30. Spoiled Milk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers several months of time.

Ali and Ashlyn were waiting to get on their last flight of the day. They were making their way back home to DC. Both women had been allocated to the Washington Spirit, which meant that they could move back to their home and start their life together again. 

Ashlyn had left Ali with their bags at the gate and went to purchase some coffee and a quick snack for them to share. They had had a long flight from Germany to the States and Ash was both hungry and antsy. Ash needed to move around and get rid of some pent up energy before she drove her girlfriend crazy on their next flight.

Ali had struck up a conversation with a ten year old boy, named Tyler, seated next to her. He had quickly developed a crush on the attractive brunette. 

“Do you wanna sit by me on the plane?” The boy asked. His big blue eyes made it hard for Ali not to say yes. She would’ve given him all of the money in her wallet if he had asked her.

“Aw, how sweet.” Ali cooed. She pointed at Ashlyn who was standing in line at a Starbucks across from them and said, “I’m sitting with her.”

“You can sit with me, though.” The boy reasoned. 

“She lets me fall asleep on her shoulder whenever I want.” Ali explained. She didn’t want to make the boy feel bad, so she tried to keep things light.

The young boy nodded and answered, “Girls like that, huh?”

“Yeah.” Ali answered. “Can I tell you a secret?” She asked in a whisper.

The boy eagerly nodded. He liked the possibility of sharing a secret with the beautiful woman next to him.

“I’m gonna marry her one day.” Ali said and again pointed at Ashlyn. 

Tyler’s eyes grew big and he said, “My mom told me I’m too young to have a girlfriend. She probably wouldn’t let me get married.”

His response got a small laugh from Ali. “My mom said it’s ok for me to get married.” Ali said with a smile. “But your mom is right. You should wait until you’re older. You want to make sure you know for sure what you want.”

The boy listened intently to what Ali was telling him. He thought for a moment and then asked, “How old do you have to be to know you can get married?”

“It took me a while, but I know for sure now what I want.” Ali answered. She smiled and looked at her hopefully future wife and added, “I want to spend my life with that crazy blonde.”

...

Little Tyler kept an eye on his new crush and smiled when Ash let Ali rest her head on her shoulder, just like Ali had said she would. It was an automatic movement for her to put her arm around Ali and let her lean against her and sleep. Even when she didn’t sleep, it was Ali’s preferred way to travel. Ashlyn never objected. Nothing felt better than Ali in her arms.

At the end of the flight the boy shared a wave with Ali. Ali had told Ash about her new friend and Ashlyn made sure to give the boy a thumbs up and a wink. In that moment he wasn’t sure which woman he had the bigger crush on.

...

Ali and Ash were excited to finally be back in their home. Ash hurried to open the door for her girlfriend. When she opened it they were both met with a foul smell. 

“Ashlyn!” Ali scolded. “You left a glass of milk out.” Ali hurried to the source of the smell.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting to be gone for so long.” Ash replied. She had originally planned to only be gone for a few days to possibly break up with Ali if she didn’t get help. However, a 'few days' turned into several months after Ali had asked her to stay in Germany and live with her while they worked on their relationship.

“Were you planning on being gone for longer than twenty minutes?” Ali asked sarcastically. She poured the thick, spoiled milk down the sink disposal and reached under the sink for something she could spray to cover the smell.

Ali was expecting her question to be followed by an answer of matched sarcasm from her girlfriend, but Ashlyn’s reply was soaked in sadness instead. “Alex, I wasn’t really in a good place when I left for Germany.” Ash admitted. “I couldn’t sleep or eat. Everything I looked at reminded me that you were gone. When I left I could barely breathe in this house, let alone make sure that a stupid glass of milk wasn't sitting out.”

Ali had heard Ashlyn’s response while she rinsed out the cup she had just complained about. Ashlyn hadn’t been very detailed about what her life was like while Ali was gone. Once Ali had accepted that she needed help and taken steps to receive it, Ash felt it unnecessary to make her feel bad about the pain that her actions had caused her.

Ali set the glass down and wiped her hands on her jeans to dry them. She turned slowly towards Ashlyn and couldn’t hide the fact that her eyes were filled with tears that were close to spilling. 

“Ash, I never meant to hurt you.” Ali said and hung her head in shame. With her head down she walked into Ashlyn’s embrace and said with her face pressed against Ash’s chest, “I thought I had to get away to figure things out.”

Ashlyn held tight as Ali continued, “I feel like what I really learned from my time away from you was that I never want to be away from you ever again.”

Ashlyn kissed the top of her girlfriend’s head and replied, “I think most couples go through this.” Ash rubbed Ali’s back and heard her sniffle.

“What do you mean?” She asked, looking up at Ashlyn.

Ash wiped her tears away and answered, “I think that most people need to be apart before they realize what they’re missing. If this is what we needed to make sure that we both want the same thing...which is to be together for the rest of our lives...then I’m glad it happened. It needed to happen.”

Ali took in a shaky, but deep breath, and replied, “I can never take back what I did. But I promise I will never leave you again.”

“It’s a deal.” Ash answered. She leaned down to meet Ali’s lips with her own and said, “Now let’s go get reacquainted with our bed.”

...

About a month after returning home, the Spirit had their first game. Ashlyn hadn’t played any of the preseason games because of her recovery for her shoulder, but she made it back just in time for the start of the season. The team wasn’t the best. Their coach REALLY wasn’t the best. In fact, he was terrible. He was condescending to the players and lacked leadership skills. The women were basically coaching themselves.

Ashlyn found it difficult to keep her opinion of his weak coaching skills to herself. “He’s not coaching us, Alex.” Ash complained. She paced the locker room after their first game, which was also their first loss. 

“Maybe he’s just getting used to things. We should support him and set an example for the rest of the team. You know the other girls are looking at us. They will follow our lead.” Ali answered.

Ash sighed loudly in disgust and replied, “Mark my words, Alex. This is gonna be a long and painful season.”

...

Ashlyn’s prediction was right. They were losing game after game. Most of the team had no idea what a professional soccer team was supposed to look like. They had nothing to compare it to. The veterans, however, knew exactly what they were missing. Ashlyn was ready to speak her mind, but Ali encouraged her to stay the course. 

Ash used her frustration to motivate her, but it could only go so far. Ashlyn was playing for her national team future career. She needed to show everyone what she was made of. Losing games was not a convincing enough argument.

The Spirit were midway through their season and at the bottom of the rankings. Ashlyn and Ali were warming up with their team to play the Boston Breakers. Playing against their good friend, Sydney Leroux, was a bright spot in a dark and discouraging time.

Ali and Ash had given their back line an inspiring pep talk. They knew they couldn’t count on their coach to give them any helpful instruction. They had discussed strategy of how to slow Syd down and what to do in case there’s a defensive breakdown. The entire team played hard. They had tasted the bitterness of defeat and they were tired of it.

After fifty minutes of play, the game was scoreless. Syd broke out in a sprint and beat the entire back line. Ashlyn was the Spirit's last hope at stopping her from scoring, and sending them on their way to another loss. Ashlyn dove for he ball that was a few feet in front of the striker. Leroux slid with her right leg stretched out to try to reach the ball before the keeper. 

The two players met each other in a collision. Ashlyn felt a sharp pain in her knee from the contact. She rolled on the ground for a few moments and her good friend, Sydney, stayed with her to make sure she was ok. After a few minutes with the trainer, Syd gave Ash a quick hug and even a kiss on the cheek and returned to her team. 

Ali was worried. The couple hadn’t really discussed how they were gonna handle injuries when they were both on the field. It was killing Ali to stay away, but she honestly didn’t know what Ashlyn would want. She slowly walked behind Ashlyn, who was still on the ground receiving treatment, and fetched the ball that had gone out of bounds. She placed it as close to the spot where she knew Ash would take the oncoming kick and walked to the sideline to get water. 

Ali anxiously watched Ashlyn from afar. She hated the separation. She hated that her girlfriend was in pain and that she didn’t know how to help her. Being so close to her, and yet so far, made her crazy.

Ashlyn eventually stood up and limped slightly as she found the ball that Ali had thoughtfully placed for her. She rubbed her knee a few times before backing up to take the kick. Ali couldn’t check up on her because she needed to go downfield. She couldn’t wait for the first opportunity to make sure that her girlfriend was ok. 

The game ended in a tie and with Sydney begging for Ashlyn’s forgiveness. It wasn’t a dirty play. It was just two players trying to do whatever they could to help their teams. Syd even offered to give Ash a piggy back ride to the locker room. 

...

“Ashlyn, we need to figure out how we’re gonna handle injuries.” Ali said, as she drove Ashlyn’s Jeep home. 

“Alex, I told you I was fine. It’s not like my shoulder.” Ash answered, thinking that Ali was worried about her.

Ali reached across the center console and held onto Ashlyn’s hand when she replied, “Baby, that’s not what I’m talking about. I think we need to talk about how we are going to treat each other on the field when an injury happens. I hated not knowing if being next to you and comforting you was the right thing to do or not.”

Ash understood what Ali was saying. She hadn’t really thought about it. For her, it was simple. She would do anything she could to comfort her girlfriend. It didn’t matter who was watching. But Ali was more calculating. It wasn’t wrong for her to be that way, she just saw the bigger picture. She knew that people would overanalyze every action, every look. Ali wanted to make sure both her and Ashlyn were ok with that and prepared for the consequences. 

“Babe, we can do whatever you want. I’m cool with anything.” Ash answered. She would’ve appreciated a little more comfort from Ali when she was lying in pain on the field, but she didn’t feel unloved or unimportant from the lack of it.

“I feel like I need to be able to be with you. I don’t think we should go overboard, but I really need to be close to you in some way.” Ali replied. 

Ash wasn’t expecting to hear that answer, but it confirmed the progress that Ali had made. It made her incredibly proud. 

“Sounds like a plan. We won’t be overly affectionate, but we won’t be afraid to show concern.” Ash stated. 

They were both happy with their arrangement. Ali was tired of hiding and Ash was fine with not putting their private lives on display. The two had found a good balance that they could both live with.


	31. Ready Now

After a coaching change and a lot of hard work, the Washington Spirit started to turn things around. It was too little too late in terms of making the playoffs but everyone could sense there was something good happening. 

The Spirit’s future was bright. 

Ashlyn and Ali took on an even greater leadership role on the team. Now that they had a coach that everyone could respect and learn from, things felt easier. They still weren’t one of the best teams in the league, but the potential for the following season was high.

...

“So, Ash...” Ali started. She hugged her girlfriend from behind and took a bite of the peach that Ashlyn was snacking on. 

“So, Alex....” Ash answered with a matching tone. “Are you enjoying my peach?”

Ali giggled and released Ash from the hug. She stepped back to give her girlfriend some space, but not before giving her a playful pat on the backside. “I am enjoying your peach, as a matter of fact.” Ali answered with a flirtatious eyebrow wag.

“Someone’s in a good mood.” Ash replied with a smirk. She had no idea why, but Ali was practically glowing. There was definitely something going on. Ali wasn’t there just to steal a bite of her snack. 

“I am in a great mood!” Ali informed. She had a dopey smile on her face and her girlfriend eagerly waited for her to elaborate. 

When Ali didn’t say another word, Ash spoke up. “Aaaaaand why is that?” 

Ali wanted to tease Ash a little longer but the news she had to share was too good to keep under wraps any longer.

Ali leaned into her girlfriend and kissed her lips gently. She smiled as she tasted the remnants of the peach juice still on her mouth and answered, “Because I received a phone call today from my agent about a team who wants to sign me during the NWSL offseason.”

Ashlyn took in a sharp breath. Memories of Ali’s Frankfurt announcement lingered in her mind of when her girlfriend left her behind without a second thought.

Ali read Ashlyn’s reaction perfectly and quickly put an end to Ash’s worry.

“Baby, it’s for Tyreso in Sweden.” 

“Tyreso?” Ash repeated. She had been pursued by the club for a while but she never considered it seriously because of Ali. 

“They said that they wanted to sign both of us.” Ali continued to explain. 

As the new information absorbed in Ashlyn’s brain, Ali could see the corners of her girlfriend’s lips begin to curl up. “You asked your agent about making sure they wanted both of us?” Ash asked.

Ali smiled and put her hands on Ashlyn’s hips. She went in for another kiss and answered, “No more time apart. Remember?”

Ash nodded and leaned in towards Ali until their foreheads touched. “So, they still want me? Why hasn’t my agent said anything?”

“Your agent has been telling you for the last several months that they wanted you. He just didn’t know about me.” Ali answered. 

“So we’re gonna play with Whit in Sweden?” Ash asked excitedly.

Ali smiled and replied, “Only if that’s what you want.”

“But is that what you want?” Ash asked. It was great that Ali was willing to let Ashlyn decide, but that wasn’t really what Ashlyn wanted. “Babe, I want us to go because we both want to go. I appreciate you asking me what I want to do, but your opinion is just as important as mine.”

“Baby, this is what I want. My agent and I have been negotiating with them for weeks. They want you bad. I think that’s a big part of why they want me.” Ali answered.

“Oh, please. Every team wants you, Alex.” Ash laughed. “You’re the best right back in the world.” Ashlyn was flattered that her girlfriend gave her so much credit, but she knew without a doubt that Ali was a highly coveted player for any team.

“Baby, I just want you to be happy. And I want to play with you. This season hasn’t been the best and we have a chance to play for a great team and a real contender for a future championship in Champions League.” Ali answered passionately. “This is a really exciting opportunity for us.” 

...

After the first NWSL season was in the books Ash and Ali packed up and left for Sweden. It felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. This felt like a big step for both of them. They were starting a season in their lives where they put each other first, even ahead of soccer. It was official. Barring injury, neither of them would consider playing for a club team unless the other was also a part of it. Living apart for an extended amount of time simply wasn’t an option.

...

“You got everything?” Ali asked. She had finished packing long before her girlfriend did. Ash had stayed up all night rushing to get everything ready for their long trip to Sweden. 

Ash rubbed her tired eyes and answered, “I don’t even know.”

“I can tell you’re exhausted so I won’t lecture you right now, but later I will give you a list of reasons why procrastination is detrimental to both your mental and physical health.” Ali replied. It wouldn’t have been the first time Ash had heard that speech from Ali.

Her girlfriend's eyes were bloodshot and heavy. Ashlyn was in no shape to be given a hard time. They had to catch a flight and Ali needed to make sure nothing important got left behind...including her tired girlfriend.

“Baby, do you have the checklist I gave you?” Ali asked. 

She had given Ash a detailed list of all of the necessities for the trip. They were planning on returning to their house after their time in Sweden, so they didn’t need to worry about packing everything. She had hoped they would be able to fit everything in a few suitcases, making the trip as easy as possible.

Ashlyn yawned as she pulled a folded up piece of paper from her pocket. She handed it to her OCD, super organized girlfriend and fought to keep her eyes open as Ali looked it over. 

“Ash, it looks like you got everything on the list.” Ali said as she saw all of Ashlyn’s checkmarks sloppily written next to each item. She smiled as she read the last entry that Ash had added. She had written Ali’s name and drew a heart next to it. Ali didn’t know how delirious her girlfriend was when she wrote it, but she thought it was absolutely adorable. She leaned into Ash and kissed her jaw before going over both of their lists one more time before they had to leave.

...

The flight was long and both women were exhausted. The team had arranged for them and a few other team mates to stay in a historic Swedish castle. It was all very surreal. Upon their arrival they were too exhausted to truly appreciate the once in a lifetime experience. It took a few days to get rid of the jet-lag, but once their bodies had adjusted to the new timezone and schedule, they realized that they were incredibly lucky to have the opportunity...and even more, to share the experience with each other.

“My princess finally has her castle.” Ashlyn joked. 

Ali, in her usual diva fashion, answered, “What are you talking about? I’m THE QUEEN.”

“My apologies, Queen. You’re absolutely right.” Ash replied. There was no arguing. Ali was her princess, her queen...her everything.

In Sweden no one cared who they were or that they were together. They were free to simply be themselves. It was a liberating experience for both of them. Ali didn’t have to worry about what people thought. And Ash didn’t have to second guess her natural instincts to be affectionate with Ali when others were around. Their short time in Sweden was a breath of fresh air. Not only were they free to be themselves but they were also on a champion caliber team. Ashlyn was able to showcase her exemplary goalkeeping skills against quality teams. Ali was also able to elevate her performance on the field and get back to the same form she had before her injury.

Their careers, as well as their relationship, were moving forward and starting to look like what they had always dreamed they would be.

...

Ali slid a piece of paper across the table to Ashlyn. The couple was sitting at the table sharing a cup of coffee and breakfast pastries. 

“What’s this?” Ash asked. She unfolded the notebook paper and saw Ali had given her a note that looked like something a middle schooler would write.

She wrote...

“Will you go to the Swedish Football Gala with me?”

A few lines below it said...

“Check ‘yes’ or ‘no.’” Ali even included a place to mark ‘maybe’ as a joke. Each answer had an empty box next to it.

Ashlyn carefully eyed Ali and asked, “We tried this in Germany, Al. You weren’t ready.”

Ali handed her a pen and said, “I’m ready now.” 

Ashlyn thought back to the awards gala they went to when they lived in Germany. Ali seemed excited about them going together, but then changed her tune once she saw the photographers at the event. Ashlyn was fine with not going to a televised event where they would be together as a couple, but she knew it would hurt if Ali pulled away from her once they were there. She had felt that pain before and preferred not to experience it again.

“Alex, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.” Ashlyn answered. She mindlessly twirled the pen in her fingers as she continued, “It’s a big step. I don’t know if it would be good for us.”

Unlike Germany, Ali was 100% sure of what she wanted. She wasn’t forcing it because she wanted to keep Ash happy or because it seemed like the right thing. She wanted to go as Ashlyn’s date because she was proud to be Ash’s girlfriend.

“Ok.” Ali answered dejectedly. She wished that Ashlyn would trust her when she said she was ready.

“Al, don’t be upset.”

Ali rushed to get out of the conversation and stood up from her chair. She grabbed the note and crumbled it up into a ball. She hurried to throw it away and said, “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Ashlyn watched her girlfriend pretend everything was fine, but she knew that Ali was upset.

...

Ali had left Ashlyn to go for what she called a quick walk. She ended up being gone for over an hour. Ash had a good chunk of time to think about their breakfast discussion. Ashlyn wished that Ali would come back so that they could talk about what they should do.

When Ali returned she headed straight for her room. Ashlyn had been waiting there for her. The team had given each player in the castle their own room. Ash and Ali rarely slept apart. They used the separate rooms mostly for storage. 

“Hey.” Ash greeted softly.

Ali stopped suddenly as if Ashlyn’s presence startled her. She had been hoping to avoid seeing her girlfriend for a little longer. The brunette cleared her throat and replied, “Hey.” She put her head down and went to her closet to get a hoodie. 

“Cold out?” Ash asked, trying to get some sort of conversation going.

Ali poked her head through the neck hole of the sweatshirt and answered, “A little.” 

Once Ali had finished putting on the hoodie, she left Ash sitting on her bed. It was clear that Ali was in no mood to talk. It also seemed that she was in no mood to see her girlfriend.

“Alex, wait up!” Ash called out and jumped up to her feet. She followed Ali to the common living space that they shared with a few other players on the team. “Babe, we need to talk.” Ash said once she caught up with her.

Ali answered a little harshly, “No, we don’t. I already told you it’s fine.” Ashlyn reached out to grab her arm and Ali pulled it away immediately. “Ashlyn, I said it’s fine!” 

Ashlyn flinched a little at the gesture, but tried to cover up her hurt feelings. She knew Ali wasn’t angry, but hurt. Ashlyn dug a wrinkled up piece of paper from her pocket and did her best to flatten and smooth it out. Ash placed it tentatively on a nearby table and said, “Umm, sorry. This is for you.”

Ali had her back toward Ash so she didn’t see what Ashlyn was talking about. She waited until she heard her girlfriend’s footsteps retreat to her room before she turned around. 

Ali hated feeling like she had hurt Ashlyn. Everything was going so well. She felt like it was the perfect time to show her girlfriend that there had been a huge shift in her thinking and heart. Instead of celebrating their progress, Ali felt that Ashlyn doubted her.

When Ali turned, her eyes immediately saw the note that she had given to her girlfriend earlier that day. 

Ashlyn had marked the box next to her answer.

Ashlyn had made her decision.

Ali held the paper that her girlfriend had fished out from the trash and carried it with her to Ashlyn’s room. She stood in the frame of the open door and searched for the right words to say. Only two words seemed to fit.

“I’m sorry.” Ali said. Ashlyn was curled up in her bed, with the covers over her head. She was trying the best she could to block out the world. Ali climbed in bed with her and held her from behind. “Ash, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset.”

Ashlyn turned around so that she was facing Ali, and pressed her face into Ali’s chest. Ali held her close and waited for Ash to lead the conversation. She had purposed in her heart to let her walls fall and let Ashlyn in.

“I’m sorry, too.” Ash apologized. Her words were muffled as Ali felt her hot breath against her skin. 

“Ashlyn, I love you so much. Our relationship is different than it was when we were in Germany....I’m different.” Ali said and place a kiss on the top of Ashlyn’s messy blonde hair covered head. “But I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to do.”

Ali still had the note firmly grasped in her hand. She had it held against Ashlyn’s back. Ash pulled away enough to wipe her eyes and asked, “Did you see my answer?”

Ali smiled down at Ash, who was now lying flat on her bed and pulled her arm out from under her. She held the paper up and answered, “Yeah...But I’m not holding you to it.”

Ashlyn glanced at the ‘yes box’ that she had marked and replied, “Alex, I really do want to go with you. I’ve been so happy lately. I think I hesitated because I was worried that we would find out that it was all an act. Like maybe it was only because we had moved to Sweden and away from everyone who might judge us. I was scared. I guess I still am scared. I don’t want to lose what we have.”

Ali nodded in understanding as Ash spoke. She was scared too, but she was tired of letting her fear hurt her and Ashlyn’s life together. “Baby, I understand completely. But this time is different for me. I mean it, Ash. This time is different.”

Ashlyn sighed as she thoughtfully considered what Ali was saying. Ash really did feel that her girlfriend's mindset was different than it was when she ended up regretting being out in public with her at the awards gala in Germany. 

Ali could tell that Ashlyn was working through something in her mind. Ali had to ask, “What are you thinking, baby?”

Ash took one of Ali’s hands in both of her’s and answered, “I’m just wondering.”

Ali smiled slightly and asked her girlfriend, who really looked to be deep in thought, “What are you wondering about, my love?”

Ashlyn brought Ali’s hand up to her lips and after kissing it she said, “I’m wondering what I’m going to wear.”

Ali let her smile widen, and as she tried to formulate an answer to confirm what she thought Ash was saying, she heard her girlfriend say, “I gotta look hot for my woman.”

...

Ashlyn ended up wearing a suit and skinny tie. Ali wore a black dress with heels so high she heard her girlfriend complain all night about the fact that Ali was taller than her for all the pictures they posed for.

At the end of the night both Ash and Ali posted pictures of themselves together on social media. It was a subtle way for them to show the world that they were no longer living in fear of anyone’s judgment.

Ali was right.

This time everything was different.


	32. Not Yet

“Well, hello there my long lost brother!” Ali greeted as she embraced Kyle at the airport. 

“Hey, baby sis!” Kyle replied as he lifted her up off the ground and hugged her tightly. He spun her around in a circle and they both squealed in excitement before he let her feet return to the floor.

Kyle gave his sister a kiss on the cheek and then asked, “Where’s my favorite blonde bombshell?”

“Ash is helping dad get everything ready for tonight. He has big plans.” Ali answered with a smile. She grabbed her brother’s hand and held it all the way to her car. She loved having Kyle, her best friend and hero, so close to her. Their father had a dinner planned for everyone in the area who wanted to come. There was going to be more than thirty people there.

Ali drove straight to her father’s house. She knew both her dad and girlfriend would be excited to see them. And she honestly loved seeing her brother and Ashlyn interact. They were alike in so many ways. They were hilarious together. They always had a great time, but what Ali loved most about them both was that they had sensitive hearts and love inside them that could change the world.

When Ali pulled into her father’s driveway, their dad didn’t waste any time welcoming them. He opened the door as soon as he saw her car and walked towards them before she had a chance to park. He was standing outside of her front passenger side door, waiting for his son to come out.

“Daddy!” Kyle joked and grabbed his dad in an embrace. 

“My son has returned.” Ken said and kissed his son’s cheek. It wasn’t something he would normally do, kiss another man, but Kyle was the exception.

“Excuse me, but do either of you remember that I am also here?” Ali interrupted. 

Ken was used to his daughter and son vying for his attention. It was usually in jest, but he always tried to spread the love and communicate his pride towards them as equally as possible. He responded immediately to his daughter’s objection and scooped her up in a big hug. He whispered in her ear, “You know I love you, daughter.” 

“It wouldn’t hurt for you to show it every once in a while.” Ali joked. She knew her father loved her, and she was overjoyed that her brother was with her...even if he did take some of the attention away from her.

...

The second season of the NWSL was a huge success for the Washington Spirit. Coach Mark Parsons, Captain Ali, and Ashlyn-the heart and soul of the team, had led their team to one of the best records in the league.

Kyle was given a press pass for the Spirit’s game against Chicago. He was a great photographer and it meant a lot to him that his sister would set up the opportunity for him. 

The end of the season was soon approaching and the Washington Spirit needed a win or a tie to keep their hopes alive in a very tight playoff race. The score was tied at halftime and the team could feel another goal coming. They knew they could put this game away and get closer to their championship hopes.

3 minutes into the second half Chicago was awarded a corner kick. With Kyle behind the goal taking pictures, the Red Stars player kicked the ball to the crowd of players in front of the goal. Ashlyn got her fist on the ball and punched it out of danger, but was hit hard in the head by a Chicago player. She rolled around in pain on the ground toward one of the Washington defenders. Ali hurried to her side and watched over her as the trainers attended to her.

There was no hesitation. Ali needed to be with her. She needed Ashlyn to know that she was her first priority. Ali didn’t make a big display of affection, but she never left her side until Ash was back on her feet and ready to continue playing. They had come a long way since last season when Ash had injured her knee and Ali paced nervously trying to figure out what she should do. 

...

Ali brought her girlfriend a glass of water and some Tylenol. She handed the medication to Ash first and said, “Take these.” Ash did as she was asked and washed the pills down with the water Ali had brought. “You sure you don’t want me to stay home?” Ali asked. 

“I’m not about to let a little headache spoil your brother’s visit.” Ash answered. She turned on the tv behind her girlfriend and pushed Ali a few inches to the side with her hand to get a better view of the sports show on the screen. 

Ali laughed at her girlfriend’s attempt to make her presence feel unnecessary. She knew Ashlyn too well for her to be able to pull it off. The brunette kissed the top of the blonde’s head and whispered, “I love you. Don’t miss me too much.” Ali started to walk away before turning around and quickly adding, “Call me if you need anything.”

Ash waved her hand in acknowledgement of her girlfriend’s request and waited for her to leave the room before she smirked and said to herself, “Mission accomplished.” Ashlyn waited for her girlfriend and Kyle to leave the house before she turned the television off and went to bed. It was still relatively early for her, especially on a game day with a day off the next day, but she felt like she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer.

...

Ali didn’t stay out long. She felt bad about leaving Ashlyn home alone and Kyle didn’t seem to mind spending the rest of their last night together at his sister’s house. The first stop Ali made once they got home was to check on Ashlyn. 

Ali found her girlfriend in the bathroom. There were remnants of vomit on the toilet seat. Ashlyn had fallen asleep, sitting on the floor, and leaning against the wall. “Baby, what are you doing in here?” Ali asked her unconscious girlfriend. She knelt down next to Ash and gently woke her up. “Let me help you up.” She said and helped lift Ashlyn to her feet. “Baby, why aren’t you sleeping in bed?”

Ash looked at her girlfriend for a long moment and then asked, “We played today, right?”

“Yes, Love.” Ali answered. It was clear that Ashlyn was confused. “Baby, sit down and try to relax.” Ali didn’t wait for a reply. She led her to the side of their bed and helped guide her into a seated position. Ali sat next to her and put a protective arm around her before calling out to her brother. “Kyle, can you come in here for a minute?”

Kyle jokingly shouted, “You two better be fully clothed.”

“Shh!” Ali answered a little too bossy in her big brother’s opinion, but once he got a good look at Ashlyn he understood. 

“Is she ok?” He asked. 

Ashlyn looked up at their houseguest and said, “When did you get here?”

Ali and Kyle shared a look of concern. Ali slowly stood up and asked Kyle to take her place while she called the team doctor. Her girlfriend clearly had signs of a concussion.

...

“I really forgot that Kyle was here?” Ash said with a laugh. “Wow.”

Ali rested her head on Ashlyn’s chest as they laid in their bed and answered, “You were having a hard time. Between the forgetfulness and the vomiting, I was a nervous wreck all night.” Ali answered. She had recently returned from dropping her brother off at the airport and was exhausted.

Ashlyn had an appointment later that day to get reevaluated for her concussion symptoms. It would be confirmed that she had a mild concussion, but was on the mend. She would end up missing the next game because of it, but it was nothing to cause too much concern. Ali kept a close eye on her and made sure she didn’t push herself too hard. Ash didn’t mind the extra attention either. She loved it, actually.

...

The Spirit made it to the playoffs but would end up getting eliminated in the semifinals by the Seattle Reign. As much as the couple wanted to win the NWSL championship, they had another more important goal in mind. Both players were hoping to make a statement to US Soccer about what they were capable of. That was one goal that they met and then some.

“Baby, did you see the list of players called into camp?” Ali asked. They had both received a phone call telling them that they had made the team for the upcoming friendlies, but they didn’t know who else was called. The full list of players was released earlier that day and Ali thought Ashlyn would be very interested to see it.

Ash and Ali were on their way to Ali’s aunt and uncle’s house for her 2 year old niece’s birthday party. Ali had pulled up the team roster from twitter while Ash drove. Ash laughed at her girlfriend’s question and answered, “Babe, when would I have seen the list? Don’t you think I would’ve told you if I saw it?” Ash asked, knowing that Ali wasn’t going to answer her.

“I’m tuning out your sarcasm.” Ali said. She added, “ANYWAY...I think you might be interested to know who is on the list.” Ali took her eyes off her phone screen and fixed them on her girlfriend, not wanting to miss her reaction. “Or maybe, who’s NOT on the list.”

Ash felt Ali’s gaze on her and stole a quick glance. Ali was beaming.

“What?” Ash asked with a smile. “Why are you acting like this?”

Ash parked her Jeep and Ali held her phone up and said, “Before you look at the list I want you to remember that I am so proud of you. I will always be your biggest fan.” 

“Why are you acting like I didn’t make the roster? You already know that I did. You don’t have to remind me how proud you are of me to console me, or anything. For real woman, you’re acting like a crazy person.”

“Read it.” Ali answered simply. She knew it wouldn’t take long for Ashlyn to figure out why she was acting strange.

Ash took Ali’s phone from her and scrolled down the announcement. She stopped scrolling at the top of the list. The portion that had the names of the goalkeepers was missing the former #2 and #3 backup keepers from years past. Along with her name was Hope and newcomer Alyssa Naeher. Ashlyn had moved up in the USWNT keeper world. 

With shock still written all over her face she looked up from the screen to Ali. Her girlfriend’s eyes were filling with tears. Ali closed the space between them and covered her face in kisses. She pulled back a few inches so that she could look Ashlyn in the eyes and said, “I am so proud of you. You deserve this.” 

Ali assumed that Ash had finally cracked the official roster and had claimed the spot as Hope’s backup. She believed her girlfriend would one day be the #1 keeper on the team, but this was a big victory in Ashlyn’s career and was a giant step closer to both of them fulfilling their dream of being in the World Cup together.

...

After spending time with Ali’s family, Ali had another dream she wanted to discuss with Ashlyn. Ash had just climbed into their bed wearing a sports bra and a pair of boy shorts. She cuddled into her girlfriend feeling an overwhelming amount of joy. Things were starting to fall into place. 

“You happy, Baby?” Ali asked. She kissed Ashlyn and heard her say, “Yeah.”

Ali continued, “I’m happy too.” She steadied her nerves and said, “I’ve been thinking...You are so good with little Allie.” Ali said, referring to her 2 year old niece.

“That kid is awesome.” Ash replied. She kissed Ali’s shoulder and nuzzled her face into Ali’s neck.

Ali patted the side of Ash’s head, turned toward her and pressed her nose against her girlfriend's forehead. Ash tilted her head upward and Ali pressed their lips together.

“I want to have babies with you.” Ali whispered. “I want to have a house full of children that we both love and raise together.”

Ashlyn was not expecting this topic of conversation from her girlfriend. She adjusted herself so that she was propped up on her elbow and forearm. She looked at Ali from above and asked in confusion, “What?”

“Baby, I want to start a family with you...I want to do it soon.” Ali explained. She started to cry, but it was the kind of crying that happens when one thinks about the reality of finding their ‘happily ever after’ with the person they love.

“You want to start a family? You want to do all that with me?” Ash asked. She wiped away a few of Ali’s ‘happy tears’ and waited for a response. 

Ali nodded and said, “You’re the only one I could ever want that with.” 

“If we started a family, we would really be out in the public. There would be no denying that we’re together, I mean...especially if we’re wiping the same kid’s nose and driving in the carpool together.” Ash said with a chuckle.

Ali laughed along with her girlfriend and used both hands to pull her down on top of her. She replied with a huge grin and said, “Well, I’m not getting any younger. I think it’s time for me to start thinking about carpools and joining the PTA.” Ali joked, but quickly got deadly serious. “Ashlyn, it’s time for us to do what’s best for us. You’re gonna be a great mother. And I’m gonna fall more in love with you every day for the rest of our lives.”

“Alex, that sounds really great, but that’s maybe a lot for us to think about right now.” Ash answered. “I mean...we should probably get married first...and you know how that went the last TWO times we’ve tried to get engaged.” Ash let out a sad laugh. Ali pulled her in closer, she didn’t know what to say. 

“Alex, you know I love you. You know I want everything you want. But I can’t even wrap my mind around a family right now. We have Algarve and then hopefully the World Cup coming up. We need to stay focused on soccer right now.” Ashlyn said. 

Ali put on a brave face and replied, “I understand.” She didn’t want Ashlyn to know how disappointed she was, but Ash knew her too well for her to hide it.

“I love you, Alex. You’re my endgame. A family with you is all I want. It will happen.” Ash said. She kissed Ali’s lips that were formed in a forced smile and rolled off from on top of her. Ashlyn settled in next to her and said, “When the time is right, I promise to give you everything you ever dreamed of.”

Ali rolled on her side so that her back was facing her girlfriend. Ashlyn pressed her front up against her and held her securely. She felt Ali shaking from crying, but didn’t say anything. Ali had turned away from her. She assumed she didn’t want to continue the conversation. 

Ali’s dream would have to wait.


	33. Make A Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. You have probably figured out that this story is about the change in Ali and Ash's relationship between the 2011 and 2015 World Cups.
> 
> 2\. There are probably 1-2 chapter left (depending on how long winded I get).
> 
> 3\. I might consider writing an epilogue if you guys would want something like that.
> 
> 4\. The last several chapters have covered a long span of time passing. This one is no different. The last chapter (or two) will be at the World Cup, with less time passing.
> 
> 5\. Thanks for sticking with me. My hope was to use some real life events in the span of the timeline (like injuries, national team, and NWSL stuff) and add fictional aspects about their relationship. Of course I have taken quite a bit of creative license. I hope that you have enjoyed the story and that for some of you who have been around awhile can remember some of the things that were referenced from the past.

Ali typed rapidly on her phone. She was having a heart to heart with her brother over text, telling him about her conversation with Ashlyn about having children. She was worried she might have scared her girlfriend away from the idea of having a family together. Kyle tried to be the voice of reason, but Ali couldn’t help but worry that she had messed everything up.

...

Months had passed and Ali hadn’t brought up the subject of children since their late night conversation. She felt Ashlyn made it clear that she wasn’t ready to even consider that part of their future together until after the World Cup. Ali tried to be patient and put out of her mind the thought of her and Ash raising a bunch of kids and having the greatest family in the history of the world. But every time she saw Ash play with ARod’s son, or chase one of the Rampone girls around, it made her wish that she was watching her wife with their children. It was clear that the time had come to take a risk and make a big move. 

...

The team had won the Algarve and played a load of friendlies. Due to Hope Solo’s legal issues, Ashlyn had finally got some meaningful minutes as a starter with the team. There was no question, she was the new #2. Her spot on the roster was a lock.

...

The third NWSL season was going to be a lot different from the previous two. The players who were in the World Cup were going to miss a big chunk of the season. Ash and Ali hoped that they could at least help their team get off to a good start.

Their first game was against the Houston Dash. It didn’t take long for the game to take a dramatic turn. After about fifteen minutes of play, Ali collided with a Dash player right in front of Ashlyn. Ash watched as her girlfriend fell lifelessly to the ground. She didn’t realize the extent of Ali’s injury until she got closer. Ali wasn’t moving. In reality it was only a few seconds, but in the moment it felt like an eternity. When Ali finally did begin to move, her arms were tucked underneath her body and it looked like she was too confused to know how to move them. 

Ash and a few of the national team Dash players called for the trainer to come out. Once he arrived and helped roll her over onto her back, he immediately signaled to the sideline for a stretcher to be brought out. The medical staff had to work around Ashlyn because she wouldn’t leave her girlfriend’s side. Ash knew that Ali was confused. She didn’t know what else to do but stay with her and maintain eye contact with her. She also spoke calmly and encouragingly to her. She tried to keep a hand on her in some way, whether it was on her knee, her thigh, her stomach, or actually holding her hand. 

Ali was scared, and so was Ashlyn. This was by far the scariest soccer moment they had ever shared on a field. The season before they had both gotten a concussion, but nothing like this. Ali couldn’t remember the incident. The medical staff continued to ask her simple questions that she had no answers to. She knew who she was and she found comfort in Ashlyn’s presence, but everything else was unsettling.

Ash held Ali’s hand for as long as she could as they stretchered her off the pitch. 

“Alex, I’ll be at the hospital as soon as I can get there.” Ashlyn promised. “Call your mom when you feel up to it. The trainer will bring your phone. Call me too. Leave a message if I’m still playing. Me and your family love you, ok? You’re ok. The doctors are gonna fix you up. Don’t be scared.” Ash nervously rambled. “I promise I will be on my way to you the second the game is over.”

Ali nodded slightly. She had heard everything Ash said. Her voice alone made her feel safe. Ashlyn squeezed Ali’s hand and asked, “You want to wave to the crowd?” 

The fact that the World Cup was right around the corner was not lost on Ashlyn. She thought it might be better for Ali if she made it look like she was ok. Because of the game, the two of them had yet to hear from Jill Ellis about their spot on the final roster. Ashlyn had flashbacks of Ali’s ACL injury right before the Olympics. She knew that Ali would want her to try to protect her from looking too injured. There wasn’t much more she could do. She was worried to death about Ali.

True to her word, Ash ran off the field the moment the final whistle blew. She spent the night in the hospital with Ali until the doctor felt comfortable releasing her. The two women stayed an extra day in Houston waiting for Ali to be cleared to fly. No one questioned Ashlyn when she said she wouldn’t leave without her. 

...

The women both received a phone call from Coach Ellis. She made small talk with Ali, making sure that she was ok and feeling better. Ali wouldn’t risk giving her any other answer but to say she was feeling great. Jill was happy to inform her that she had made it to her second World Cup. A few minutes after they hung up, Ashlyn received the same call. 

Their dream of playing together on the world’s biggest stage was now a reality.

...

Ali rested her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder as the women made their way by plane to meet with the rest of the national team. It was a short flight, but she was happy to have a few more moments with just the two of them together. Ali pulled on the front of Ashlyn’s hoodie until Ash leaned down enough for their lips to connect. The couple hadn’t stopped smiling since leaving their house that morning. 

“I’m so happy we’re here together.” Ali said softly after the two shared a kiss. 

Ash smiled down at her girlfriend and replied, “Me, too. It feels perfect, doesn’t it?”

“Perfect is the exact word I would use to describe it.” Ali answered. She thought about the little box hidden in a sock in her carry on. The box held the engagement ring she had bought for Ashlyn almost three and a half years ago. ‘Perfect’ was all Ali wanted for Ashlyn. She hoped that the second time she proposed, Ashlyn would be ready to say, yes.

...

Ali and her roommate were sleeping when Ash let herself in. Ash gently sat next to her sleeping girlfriend and gave her a light squeeze on the shoulder. Ali unconsciously turned toward her without waking up. Ashlyn looked at the nearby bed where Morgan Brian slept. She really didn’t want to wake her up. She turned back to her girlfriend and put a hand on both of Ali’s shoulders. She shook her a little too hard. Ali woke up alarmed. Her eyes were wide and when she realized it was her girlfriend who was over her she let out a sigh of relief.

Ali slapped Ash in the arm and said, “What’s the matter with you? I almost had a heart attack!”

“Sorry.” Ash apologized.

Ali rolled over towards Ashlyn and pressed her face against Ash’s thigh. She was happy to fall right back to sleep. Ashlyn patted her on the back and said, “Babe, wake up.”

“Ash, don’t make me regret giving you my keycard.”

“But I thought maybe we could hang out.” Ash answered. The team had just played Germany and pulled out an amazing win. Ashlyn couldn’t fall asleep. She kept thinking about the Final and the fact that her girlfriend was so amazing. She couldn’t wait until morning to see her.

“Baby, I’m so tired. What time is it anyway?” Ali replied. She rubbed her eyes and found the bright numbers of the alarm clock on the nightstand next to her. When she saw the time she scolded her girlfriend. “Ashlyn, it’s 1am. We have a curfew.”

“I was thinking maybe we could break into the pool area and go skinny dipping.” Ash answered. The pool had closed at midnight and Ash had thought up a plan. She was ready to go full on ninja to spend some alone time with Ali. 

“We are not doing that!” Ali answered as the voice of reason. “Baby, seriously. I am so tired. I played a full 90 minutes. My body needs to recover. I can’t stay up all night.”

Ashlyn knew that Ali was right. She didn’t argue. “Ok. I’ll see you in the morning.” Ash said and stood up from Ali’s bed. 

Ali’s heart melted at the disappointment in Ashlyn’s voice. “Baby, hold on.” Ali said and pulled her girlfriend back down to the bed by the hand. “Why aren’t you sleeping? Is everything ok?” It dawned on Ali that Ash might be upset about something and that was the reason for her late night/early morning visit.

“Everything’s great.” Ash answered, but Ali knew there had to be more to the story.

“Ash, tell me what’s going on.”

Ashlyn sighed and peaked over in Morgan’s direction, making sure she was still sleeping. In a whisper she answered, “It’s dumb.”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Ali replied. “Tell me.”

Ash swallowed hard and said, “I just really missed you.”

“Ash...” Ali said softly. She reached up and caressed Ashlyn’s cheek. “That’s really sweet.”

“I’m really excited about the Final and everything else...” Ashlyn stopped herself from getting too detailed and said, “I want to share it with you.”

Now it was Ali’s turn to make sure her roommate was asleep. Once she had confirmed that Morgan hadn’t been disturbed by their conversation she extended Ashlyn an invitation. “Baby, come on.” Ali pulled back her covers and moved over, leaving an empty spot for Ashlyn. 

“You sure?” Ash asked. Technically they could get in trouble for a sharing a bed. 

Ali answered, “As long as you let me be the little spoon.” 

Ashlyn immediately took the ‘big spoon’ position and held her girlfriend tightly.

Ali added, “And you have to be out of here before Moe wakes up.”

Ashlyn answered with a kiss on Ali’s exposed shoulder and said, “Good night. Love you.”

...

Ali smiled when she started to wake up. She felt Ashlyn close to her and wanted to stay in bed all day. She quietly moaned in contentment and took a deep breath through her nose. She loved the way her girlfriend smelled. Ash smelled like home to her. Ali was in her own world until she heard the sound of a throat clearing. Ashlyn was still sound asleep so she knew it wasn’t her making the noise. 

And that was the moment she remembered where she was.

“Oh crap!” Ali said and sat up quickly. She saw that both her and Ash were fully clothed and thanked God that they had just gone to sleep last night. 

“Hi.” Morgan greeted with a smile. She knew that she had caught her roommate in a precarious situation. 

“I am SO sorry!” Ali apologized. She shook Ashlyn and tried to wake her up without taking her eyes off of Morgan. 

Morgan laughed and answered, “It’s no big deal. But breakfast is in like 3 minutes. You might want to let bed-head know.” Ash was still mostly unconscious but she caught on to the insult from the younger teammate.

“My hair?” Ash mumbled and pushed down on the parts that were sticking up. 

Both Ali and Morgan shared a chuckle before the younger player left the room for breakfast. Ali helped Ash wake up and the two parted ways to get ready for the day. They were both late to breakfast, but not late enough that anyone noticed.

...

“Sweetheart, are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Ali’s Mom asked after giving Ashlyn a hug. “You know you’re always welcome.”

Ashlyn smiled as she answered, “I’m sure. Ali needs some quality family time with you guys.” Ashlyn’s family had come earlier in the tournament but couldn’t afford to stay. Deb felt bad that she didn’t have her family around her like Ali did. 

“Ash, you are family to us.” Deb replied.

Ali watched quietly at the interaction and almost teared up at the way her mother was treating her girlfriend. She was ready to make it official. Hopefully soon, Ash would legally be a part of the Krieger family.

“I know.” Ash answered. She winked toward Ali and said, “The Engen family has already asked me to hang out today. So, no worries. I won’t be hanging out in my room all alone like a loser.” Ash joked. 

Ali lightly nudged her Mom out of the way and pulled Ashlyn into and embrace. She whispered “I love you” into her ear and kissed her cheek before letting go. Ali’s family said goodbye to Ashlyn and left to have an afternoon together before the team had to get back to business and prepare for the Final game. 

The Krieger family found a quaint cafe to have lunch at. They had done a little sightseeing while there, but their time with Ali was usually devoted to going places where they could talk and relax. 

“So tell me Honey, does Ash have any idea of what you have planned?” Deb asked. Kyle and Ken leaned in to hear Ali’s answer. Ken had a slight smile on his face at the mention of the proposal. Ali had told all of them about her intentions to make things official.

“I don’t think so. In fact, I’m a little worried that marriage isn’t even on her radar.” Ali answered. 

She was interrupted by a cough from her father. He had taken a sip of his iced tea and the beverage went down his throat awkwardly.

“You ok?” Ali asked. Her father was practically choking. Ken held his hand up to signal that he was fine and his daughter should continue.

“Anyways...” Ali said, “I really hope she is ready. I want to marry her more than anything in the world.”

Kyle interrupted her and asked, “Even more than winning a World Cup?”

Ali’s lips curled up slightly as she answered, “It’s not even close, Kyle. The World Cup is a distant second to marrying Ashlyn.”

“So, if you lose, are you still gonna propose?” Kyle asked. 

Ali gave him a dirty look and replied, “First off, we are not going to lose! And second, NOTHING will stop me from proposing to her. I’ve already waited too long as it is.”

“Ok.” Kyle answered with both hands up in the air, trying to keep the peace. “I was just wondering.”

“How are you gonna do it?” Deb asked. She took a sip of her latte and waited for her daughter to fill her in on all the juicy details.

Ali shook her head ‘no’ and answered, “I’m not telling you. I want Ash to be the first to know. It’s gonna be something special between us.”

“Does that mean you’re never gonna tell us?” Kyle asked. 

Ali tilted her head and for a moment it seemed like her mind was daydreaming and was somewhere else. She finally came back to her family at the table and said, “I might tell you some things, but not everything. Certain things will only be saved for Ashlyn.”

Both Kyle and his mother were disappointed, but it was Ali’s Dad’s voice that broke the silence. 

“I’m proud of you, Alexandra. You’ve come a long way since Ash first proposed. I hope Ashlyn makes you happy and your love for each other grows more and more every day.”

“Daddy...” Ali’s voice cracked. She was not expecting her stoic father to get emotional in a little cafe in Canada. 

“I love you, Alex. You deserve to be happy. Lately it seems that Ash has made you happier than I have ever seen you. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to go after what makes you happy. As a father, what I want most is for my children to be content and happy in life.” Ken added. He was usually a man of few words, but he couldn’t pass up an opportunity to encourage his daughter to do what would make her happy.

...

“How was tea with the Engens?” Ali asked. She wiped off a stray eyelash from Ashlyn’s cheek and held it out on one finger for Ashlyn to blow. “Make a wish.”

"Tea was tea." Ash answered. She closed her eyes and made a wish in her head before blowing the eyelash off the tip of Ali’s finger.

“What was your wish?” Ali asked. 

Ash gave her girlfriend a hard peck on the forehead and answered, “If I tell you it won’t come true. And I really want it to come true so...”

“So...you’re not gonna even give me a hint?” Ali asked.

“Nope!”

“Maybe if you tell me I can make it happen. Did you ever think of that?” Ali replied and poked Ash in the stomach.

“Baby, I assure you that you are the only one that can make it happen, but I’m still not going to tell you what it is.” Ash responded. She patted Ali playfully on the top of the head and started to walk away.

“You wished for a sex thing, didn’t you?” Ali asked as she followed behind her secretive girlfriend. She added, “You should know that you’re not getting anything until after the Final. That’s the rule.”

“Whatever you say, Babe.” Ash answered, never confirming if Ali had figured out what she had wished for. 

For some reason Ashlyn’s mysterious wish drove Ali crazy. Her desire to make things perfect for her upcoming proposal made it impossible for her to let her curiosity go. She spent the rest of the night texting Ashlyn for a hint about what she had wished for. 

Ashlyn spent the evening in her room laughing at how easy it was to drive her girlfriend crazy.


	34. Ready To Say Yes

“So, where are we going tonight?” Ash asked. Ali was sitting next to Ash, texting on her phone. 

The team had finished their last practice before the Final and were on the team bus back to their hotel. Ash and Ali were sitting next to each other in their usual spot.

“Hmm?” Ali hummed in Ashlyn’s direction. She hadn’t been paying attention to her girlfriend. She knew Ash had asked something, but had no idea what she had said.

Ashlyn didn’t answer. Instead she stared at Ali for an uncomfortably long amount of time. After a long awkward stare, Ali felt her girlfriend’s gaze on her.

“What?” Ali asked.

Ashlyn smiled and asked, “Did you even hear what I said?”

“Sorry.” Ali said and put her head down. Ashlyn had noticed that Ali had been distracted all day.

Ash repeated her question, “Where are we going tonight?”

“It’s a surprise.” Ali answered.

Ash was happy to spend some private time with her girlfriend, but she was a little confused about the timing. “Babe, what about your family? Kyle just flew in to see you. I feel a little bad taking you away from them. Honestly, I was prepared to spend the evening alone so that you guys could have some quality time together.”

Ali set her phone down on her thigh and replied, “First off, there is no way that I would leave you alone the night before the Final. There’s just no way.” Ali wanted to say that Ashlyn was the most important person in her life and that there was no one in the world she would rather spend her time with, but she thought that that sort of talk might give away her intentions for that evening.

Ali added, “And secondly, I want a little one on one time with you before things get crazy tomorrow.”

“Is ‘secondly’ a word?” Ash asked. She was distracted the moment Ali said it. Ali was a little relieved because it meant that she wasn’t fixated on the mysterious details of the date Ali had planned for them.

“It is now.” Ali answered. She gave Ashlyn a brash smirk and a wink.

“What should I wear?” Ash asked. She completely ignored Ali’s attempt at getting a rise out of her.

“Whatever you want.”

“So...like a snapback and tank?” Ash asked.

Ali smiled at her favorite tomboy and answered, “Maybe a little less casual than that.”

Ashlyn waited for more of an explanation but Ali went back to her phone. She picked up from where she had left off in texting before Ash interrupted her. Ashlyn stared at her beautiful girlfriend, trying to get a reaction. But this time Ali was too distracted by her phone.

“Alex!” Ash said loudly. Alex Morgan turned around from a few rows in front of them and asked what she wanted. Ali had also heard her, but with Alex Morgan’s reaction she couldn’t keep a straight face.

Ash waved her off and said, “Sorry, I was talking to my Alex...who thinks it’s fun to ignore me.” Ashlyn caught her best friend, Whitney, sharing a look with Ali. She wondered if Whit was the one that Ali had been texting the whole time.

“Sorry, Baby. What do you need?” Ali asked, after Alex turned back around.

“I was asking about what I should wear. You never really told me.” Ash answered. 

Ali heard the frustration in her girlfriend’s voice and decided to put her phone away and focus only on Ashlyn. They were almost at the hotel anyway. “Ash, wear what you would normally wear if we were going on a quick date and you want to be sexy, yet comfortable. You want to look nice, but not really dressy or anything.”

“Nice jeans and a nice shirt?” Ashlyn asked.

“Perfect.”

...

Ali’s mind was spinning. There were so many things that could go wrong and she wanted everything to be perfect for Ashlyn.

“I think you’re actually going to pull this off.” Whitney said. 

Ali answered, “I have the easy job. You are the one that needs to make sure everything behind the scenes goes as planned.”

“You know what? You’re right. I have the hardest part of this whole thing...” Whit answered. She quickly corrected herself and said with a laugh, “Never mind, you’re the one that has to put up with Ash forever.”

“Hey!” Ali said, offended for her hopefully soon to be fiance, “If she agrees to marry me, I’m gonna be the luckiest girl in the world.”

“If she agrees?” Whit replied. “She’s gonna say yes.”

“How do you know?” Ali asked. “I hurt her bad. I’m already lucky, simply because she stuck around. You remember what it was like.”

Whitney did remember what it was like. Ashlyn was a wreck. When Ali spoiled her proposal plans and then moved to Germany, Ash couldn’t breathe without feeling pain. Whitney spent many late nights talking through Ashlyn’s heartache. Ali knew how much Whitney meant to Ashlyn and the great lengths she had gone through to be a good friend to her during her darker days. It was for that reason that she felt it important to not only talk to Ashlyn’s family about her upcoming proposal, but to also ask for Whitney’s forgiveness and blessing.

Whitney didn’t have to think long about it. She knew that Ali was the one for her best friend. She always only wanted for them to be happy. Ali had more than proven that she was ready to love Ashlyn like she deserved.

...

“Babe, what the heck?” Ash had just opened the door to her hotel room and was not happy with what her girlfriend was wearing.

“What?” Ali asked, completely confused.

Ashlyn threw her hands up in the air and complained, “You said that I could wear jeans and a shirt. You’re wearing a black dress with high heels. I’m underdressed.”

“Baby, I said that you should try to look sexy. And believe me you look very sexy.” Ali answered. She pushed herself up on the tips of her toes and puckered her lips. Ash leaned down slightly to meet her lips with her own. One good thing about Ali’s heels was that her lips were closer to Ashlyn’s due to the extra height.

“But you’re way more dressed up than I am.”

“I dressed up for you, not for where we’re going.” Ali explained. She kissed Ashlyn’s jaw and continued, “I’m wearing this dress because it’s your favorite dress of mine. If anything, I’ll be the one out of place. Trust me, baby.”

“Ok.” Ash answered skeptically. Ali was glowing with beauty. Ashlyn felt out of place and undeserving, but her heart was completely taken captive. She would follow Ali anywhere.

...

“Alex, are we gonna have enough time to get back for our team meeting tonight?” Ash asked. She was starting to worry the farther away from the hotel the chauffeur took them. Ali had arranged for a private car to drive them to and from their date.

“Baby, relax. I’ve got everything under control. I can’t take you somewhere fancy to eat because of our restricted diet. I can’t take you anywhere that would use up a lot of physical energy because of our game. I had to look for the perfect place to take you. The least you can do is stop worrying and trust me.” Ali replied.

“I just feel like maybe you should focus on the Final tomorrow. It’s kind of important. You need to be at your best. I feel like I’m a distraction. Plus your family is here. Your brother just got back and you’re wasting time with me.”

“Ashlyn...” Ali turned toward her girlfriend and got very serious. “I need you to understand something.”

“Ok?”

Ali put one hand on each of Ashlyn’s shoulder and said, “You need to know that you are more important to me than spending time with my family. You’re even more important that the World Cup. Today, tomorrow, and every day after that...YOU are what’s most important to me.” Ali gave Ash a quick kiss on the lips and added, “You aren’t a distraction. You’re my biggest inspiration.”

In that moment Ashlyn knew the reason Ali had insisted they went out that night instead of visiting with her family. She didn’t want to spoil Ali’s surprise, so she decided to go along with all Ali had planned without letting on that she had figured out Ali’s intentions.

When the couple had arrived at it’s destination, Ash hurried to open the door for Ali. It was a habit that Ali couldn’t change in her girlfriend even if she wanted to...which she didn’t.

“What is this place?” Ashlyn asked once she had helped Ali out of the car. Ali paid the driver and told him when to come back to pick them up.

“I’m taking you on an adventure into the clouds.” Ali answered, trying to sound mysterious. She knew she couldn’t keep up the secret destination much longer, but a few more minutes of Ashlyn wondering was worth every effort.

“Babe, seriously...” Ash pleaded. 

Ali laughed and held on to Ashlyn’s bicep to help her balance as she walked up a set of stairs made of stone. They led to a cottage looking building. Ashlyn was more confused than ever. 

Once they had entered the building, Ali explained. “I’m taking you on an adventure. We don’t have a lot of time, but I’ve been told that the scenery is indescribable. I’m limited in where I can take you, so I figured the least I could do was take you to the most beautiful place I could find within driving distance.”

One side of Ashlyn’s mouth turned up in a cocky grin as she replied, “Babe, I hope you didn’t look too hard, because I’m already looking at the most beautiful scenery in the world.”

Ali leaned in and offered a kiss of thanks for Ashlyn’s compliment. “You’re such a charmer.”

“Only for you.”

Ali would’ve liked to have found a private place where she could really show Ash her appreciation, but she knew that they had to stay on schedule or else all of her plans would be ruined.

“Anyway, as I was saying...” Ali said after pulling away from her girlfriend. “This place has all sorts of beautiful adventures that we can do. The first one that we’re gonna do is called ‘The Gondola.’ It’s sorta like a ski lift. It’s a gondola cabin made completely out of glass, so you can see in every direction. It takes you up into the sky so high that we fly through the clouds that gather at the summit of the mountains. And beneath our feet is the coastal forest.” Ali explained excitedly. “Baby, it’s the best I can do to show you the world and as much of it’s beauty as Vancouver has to offer.”

“Awesome.” Ash answered simply. She was amazed, not by the magnificence of nature, but by the thoughtful passion of Ali. 

The gondola ride left the women speechless. In fact, Ali had a speech prepared, but the view was too breathtaking to speak. She could only hold tightly to Ashlyn as they shared the wonder of nature together. The glass cabin literally took them on a ride through the clouds. Ali watched as Ash looked in wonder at the billowy mist and fog. Ashlyn was overwhelmed by the beauty around them. Ali was overwhelmed by the beauty within Ashlyn.

Once the ride had ended, Ali took her girlfriend to a few of the most beautiful viewing platforms the area had to offer. It was while they were standing on one of the platforms that the sun began to set. The sky turned several shades of pink and purple and the water below reflected it’s beauty. 

Ali used that perfect moment as her backdrop to share her heart. “Ashlyn, I not only want to share this adventure with you, but all my adventures. When I’m with you everything becomes clear. I know that over the past few years I haven’t always known the right thing to do. I haven’t always been confident in following my heart, but that has all changed. And it’s all because of you.” 

Ashlyn was ready to say yes. The view was perfect. Ali was perfect. She waited anxiously for Ali to finally drop down on one knee, pull a ring out, and propose. 

But Ali didn’t do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's another chapter after this and maybe an epilogue.


	35. Both Of Our Dreams

Ashlyn was curiously quiet on the ride back to the hotel. It didn’t go unnoticed by Ali. Ash had seemed happy and excited about their time together, but when they got back to the car she seemed to change.

“Baby, are you ok?” Ali asked. She faced the back of Ash’s head as Ashlyn stared out the window.

“I’m fine.” Ash answered shortly. She was holding back tears. Ashlyn really thought that Ali was going to propose and when she didn’t it did more than disappoint her, it broke her heart. She was mentally scolding herself, telling herself that she shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up. It was dumb to think that Ali would do it the day before the Final. She tried to give herself a pep talk and believe that it was for the best. Now Ash could be the one to propose.

“Ash, you’re not fine. Are you feeling sick?”

While still facing away from Ali, Ashlyn shook her head and answered, “I’m just tired, I guess.”

Ali began to panic. “Are you going to make it to the team meeting?”

“Yeah. It’s required...but I’ll probably just go to bed after that.” Ash answered. What she really wanted to do was disappear until her heart could recover. 

Ali reached for Ashlyn’s hand and pulled it toward her, hoping to get Ash to look at her. Ashlyn wouldn’t budge.

“Ash, will you please look at me?” Ali pleaded. She knew that something went horribly wrong. Somehow her girlfriend felt hurt instead of loved.

Ashlyn knew she couldn’t hide from Ali forever. She slowly turned towards her and the more open she became to Ali the more the tears started to well up.

“Ash....” Ali said in a concerned whisper. “Baby, are you crying?”

“No...” Ash answered, but as soon as the word came out of her mouth the tears that had developed in her eyes fell down her cheeks.

“Ashlyn, what happened?” Ali asked. She felt like she had not only failed miserably, but had maybe also done real damage to their relationship.

“It’s dumb.” Ash answered shyly.

Ali let go of Ashlyn’s hand and used both arms to pull Ash into a hug. “You always say that.” Ali answered. “What do I always say when you say that?”

“If it matters to me, it matters to you.” 

“Exactly.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She felt humiliated. “It’s really embarrassing.”

Ali kissed Ashlyn’s forehead and waited for Ashlyn to explain. They both knew that they had a short time to figure things out before they got to the hotel and joined their team.

“It really is dumb...I thought you were going to propose...I guess I’m disappointed...” Ash said. She knew that she had to do some more talking or else the whole situation would be awkward and possibly hurtful to Ali. So she added, “It’s not a big deal. We’re probably not ready anyway. I just got caught up in the moment, ya know?”

Ashlyn could actually feel Ali’s heart rate quicken as they embraced. What had she done? She wondered if it were possible that Ali really was going to propose?

Ali knew Ashlyn well. She knew that Ash would say anything to make things easier on her. Normally she would call her out on it and tell her that she wanted the truth. She wanted to know how she was really feeling. However, in the moment she didn’t know what to say. So, she didn’t say anything. Which made Ash think Ali was upset.

When the couple arrived back at the hotel, Ash hurried to open Ali’s door and helped her out of the car. Ali’s phone kept vibrating, signaling that she was receiving text messages. Ali was mentally going through her options of what she should do. She completely ignored her phone. Ali told herself that she still had a chance to change her plans.

Ashlyn knew something was up. She didn’t know what it was and she was sure that she had messed up, but there wasn’t much she could do until after their team meeting. Her eyes were red and puffy. The air felt thick and awkward between them. Ashlyn felt like the worst girlfriend in the world.

Ali stopped right before the two women made it to the meeting room. She had her hand on the door and turned around to face Ashlyn. 

“Listen, I want you to know that I love you. Today was about showing you how much I love you. I’m sorry if I didn’t do things right.” 

Ash hated that Ali was apologizing. “Alex, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was me.”

“Let’s just try to not worry about anything right now.” Ali encouraged. She hugged Ash and turned her head so that her lips grazed Ashlyn’s ear. “I want us to enjoy tonight.”

Ali stepped back and straightened up the collar on Ashlyn’s shirt before adding, “You look gorgeous tonight.”

...

Whitney was on the other side of the door texting Ali like crazy. Ali had forgotten about her. She was supposed to text her when they arrived. Thankfully one of their team mates saw them arrive. Whitney waited next to the light switch. As the two women entered the room she flipped on the lights.

...

Ali led Ash into the room with their hands intertwined. The first person Ashlyn saw was Kyle. She wondered why he was at a team meeting, but that thought quickly left her brain when she saw her grandmother sitting in a chair towards the front of the room.

“Alex...” Ash said breathlessly.

Ashlyn’s whole family was there, along with Ali’s family, their team mates, coaches, and staff. Ali turned around and let go of Ashlyn’s hand, only long enough for her to kneel down. The room was full of people, but Ali was the only person Ashlyn could see. 

Ashlyn’s grandmother was crying happy tears. Ali’s mom stood with her hands over her heart. Ash’s parents and brother held each other in a hug as they watched. 

Kyle took pictures. 

Several team mates recorded the moment with their phones.

Ali took a deep breath to calm her nerves, and said what she had come to say, “Ash, the first thing I want to say is that if you’re not ready it’s ok. You waited for me much longer than I deserved. You gave me a reason to keep working through the difficult things in my own life to find who I, not only want to be, but who I really am.” 

Ali thought back on the harder days in their relationship when she was running away from facing the truth about herself. She wished she could’ve been as brave as Ashlyn back then. “I promise you, Ash. I will wait for you.”

Ashlyn had gotten emotional in the car ride to the hotel but now when everyone around her was crying, she seemed completely at peace. She knew her girlfriend had more to say, so she stayed quiet. 

Ash didn’t want to miss one word.

In a room filled with as many loved ones as Ali and Whitney could fit into one place, Ali continued, “Ashlyn, I wanted to show you that I am proud of you. And even more than that, I am proud of the love that we share. It is good. It is pure. It is kind and patient. It’s the kind of love that sacrifices for the other person. It’s the kind of love that is more than just me...or you...it’s bigger than both of us.”

Ash nodded with a small smile beginning to stretch across her face. Everything Ali had said was true.

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris, you are the greatest part of my life... 

You are a part that I never want to live without...

I would be so proud to call you my wife...

Will you marry me?”

Ali held out Ashlyn’s ring and waited for an answer. 

The room was silent, waiting with bated breath. Ali felt her heart begin to beat faster and faster. She wondered if Ashlyn could possibly say no. It didn’t matter. Ali had decided that she would lay it all on the line. She would put herself out in the open and confess her love, and if Ashlyn needed more time, she would give it to her. 

Ash knelt down in front of Ali and said, “That was a pretty good proposal.” Ash winked at Ali and answered, “Of course, I’ll marry you.”

Ali lunged into Ashlyn’s arms. 

“Ash, I love you so much. I’m sorry it’s taken so long. We should've been married years ago!” Ali rambled an apology.

Ashlyn didn’t want everyone to listen in on Ali’s confession. She kissed the woman to shut her up and then asked, “So...where’s my ring?”

The room broke out in laughter. Ali placed the engagement ring on her fiance’s finger and gave her a long, hard kiss. Ashlyn stood up and helped Ali up in the process. 

Ash pulled out her wallet and searched through the billfold for the ring she had hidden in it. When she found it she put it on Ali’s left ring finger and said, “I was gonna propose after the Final. I was going to surprise you with a trip to Bora Bora to celebrate.” Ash said. “It would be my dream come true to marry you, Alex.”

“Both of our dreams come true.” Ali corrected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was the end of the story. The story was always about their dream coming true. At first they thought their dream was to win a World Cup but as the grew up they realized their dream was found in each other.
> 
> There will be an epilogue wrap-up chapter that will probably be a bit long and answer some questions.
> 
> Please let me know what you think.


	36. Epilogue

“Good morning, fiance of mine.” Ali greeted Ashlyn quietly. She had arranged with HAO, Ashlyn’s room mate, to surprise Ash with breakfast in bed. 

Ash rubbed the sleep from her eyes and replied with a sleepy smile. Ali waited for Ash to sit up and then handed her the coffee she had brought her. While Ash inhaled the smell of coffee and hazelnut Ali said, “I got your favorite. It’s from that cafe we found the other day.”

Ashlyn’s smile got bigger the more awake she became. “Thank you, fiance.” Ashlyn said and gave Ali the kiss she had been waiting for. Ali climbed into bed next to Ashlyn and sat with her while she sipped on coffee and ate the breakfast sandwich she had brought her. 

“I can’t believe we’re engaged!” Ali exclaimed. She leaned against Ash and looped their arms together. 

Ashlyn was grateful for the intimate moments they were able to share before everything got crazy. “I can’t believe you flew my entire family here. Now they get to be here for the Final. That means so much to me, Alex.” Ashlyn’s family wasn’t always able to afford to travel with the team. This was a huge and thoughtful gift form Ali.

“Well, I didn’t have to buy you a ring so....I had to buy you something.” Ali explained like it was no big deal. 

The travel arrangements to get all of Ashlyn’s family at the engagement party and the Final ended up costing Ali much more than a ring would, but she wanted to make a statement. She wanted Ashlyn to know that she was ready to go all in with her. Ali was ready to make Ash’s family her own and to make sacrifices to make her happy. If Ali’s family was there, she wanted Ashlyn’s there too.

Ali had been dying to ask Ashlyn a question ever since Ash revealed that she was also planning to propose. “Can I ask you something?” She asked. She picked at the fruit cup she had brought her fiance.

“Sure.” Ash answered. Her mouth was full of a partially chewed bagel and eggs.

“How were you going to do it? How were you going to propose?”

Ash smiled slightly and explained, “I was going to wait until after tonight. I wanted you to be 100% focused on the Final. Little did I know you had other plans.” 

Ash had finished her breakfast and put her arm around Ali. She took another sip of coffee and continued. “I was planning on waiting until all the festivities were over. I booked a resort in Bora Bora and I was gonna surprise you. I was thinking that an intimate sunset proposal on the beach would be perfect. Honestly, I thought you would prefer that we were alone.”

Ali chuckled at the thought. She made a public scene because she knew it would mean more to Ashlyn, and Ash was planning a private one, knowing that would be Ali’s preference.

“Baby, that sounds perfect. We can still go on vacation there, right?” Ali asked. She didn’t want to spoil Ashlyn’s plans, but she also didn’t want to miss out on spending time in a bikini on the beach with her hot fiance.

“Yeah, of course. It’s already been paid for.”

“When do we leave?” Ali asked. 

“Friday.” Ash answered. “I figured that would give you a little time to hang with your family and for us to do whatever team celebration stuff we’re gonna have to do.” Ash laughed and added, “I guess we can hang out with my family too since someone flew them all out here.”

“Your grandma seemed so happy for you.” 

“Yeah...” Ash replied. “I don’t think she thought I’d ever find someone willing to put up with me.”

Ali scoffed, “Oh, I don’t think that’s true. Your grandma knows how special you are.”

“Yeah, I’m special.” Ash said sarcastically. Emphasizing the word ‘special’ in a self-deprecating way.

Ali shifted her weight further into Ashlyn and replied, “Baby, stop. You know what I mean. I love your humility, but you’re crazy if you don’t think you’re amazing.”

“I think YOU’RE amazing. And I feel amazing when I’m with you.” 

“Aww...” Ali cooed. She tilted her head back so that she could see Ashlyn’s face and said, “I wish we could properly celebrate our engagement.” 

Both women would have loved to show each other how happy they were to finally be engaged, but being with the team and sticking with their no sex during tournaments rule, meant that they had to wait a little longer.

Instead they settled for a short make out session before they had to join the rest of their team for pre-game preparations.

...

Whitney nodded towards Ali and asked her best friend, “How’s she doing?”

“She’s good. She’s all business now, though.” Ash answered.

Whit asked with a laugh, “A little intense?”

Ash laughed along with her and said, “You know, Alex. She’s got that killer instinct.”

“Well, I heard from HAO that she wasn’t all business this morning.” Whit teased.

Ashlyn tried not to smile, but it was futile. “Yeah, she surprised me with breakfast in bed. It was really nice to to spend some quiet time with her before all the madness.”

“Sure...quiet time.” Whit replied. She assumed that her newly engaged friends had done a lot more than have quiet time together. 

“Whit, seriously. We didn’t do anything. We’re waiting until after the Final.”

Whit rolled her eyes. She still couldn’t believe it.

“You know how she is on game days. I’m not gonna mess with that on the most important game day of our lives.”

“Are you going to kiss her if we win?” Whitney asked and wiggled her eyebrows a few times.

“Nah. That’s not our style.” 

Whit shrugged and said, “Maybe it is now.”

“What do you mean?” Ash asked.

“She proposed to you in front of a huge room full of people. Maybe things have changed.” Whit answered.

Ash shook her head and replied, “I know for certain that things have changed, but that doesn’t change the fact that when we are on the field we keep it professional. That has always been something we’ve prioritized.”

“But it’s the World Cup...”

Ash laughed and replied, “And believe me when I tell you that Alex and I will celebrate with more than a little kiss, but it’s gonna be in private like we prefer.”

“Whatever...” Whit answered. She was kinda rooting for an affectionate kiss on the pitch. “All I know is that if I won the biggest prize in the soccer world and the person I was in love with was standing next to me, I wouldn’t be able to hold back.”

...

The Final was one for the ages. The US team saved their best performance for last. There were a few moments where Ashlyn thought her fiance might score a goal. Ali had played a great game, and although Ash would’ve loved to have given her a big kiss, it was time for the couple to celebrate with the team.

...

“Is Ash limping?” Syd asked. She was sitting against a wall next to Ali. 

The whole team was exhausted. They had gone from one celebratory event and appearance to the next. They were running on less than an hour of sleep. Ashlyn had gotten up to get her fiance a cup of coffee and Sydney had notice that she was walking a little funny.

When Ali heard Syd’s question her cheeks immediately began to turn red. 

“How could she have possibly injured herself?” Sydney asked. “Did she pull a muscle celebrating?”

Ali answered with a sly grin, “I guess you could say that.”

“Ali Krieger!” Sydney replied in both an excited and accusing tone. “What kind of celebrating were you two doing?”

Ali covered her face and turned away from her friend’s prodding.

“Ali, when did you guys get away? We’ve all been together since the Final. And what did you do to that poor woman?”

“Listen, we are not only World Champs but also getting married. There was no way I was going to wait another day.” Ali answered bluntly. “My fiance is hot. I was tired of waiting!”

“So you like to get rough?”

“Alright, stop...” Ali had to put an end to the conversation before Ashlyn got back. Syd’s questions were getting too personal and really out of hand. When she saw her fiance approaching she was relieved but also worried. She hoped that Sydney would drop the conversation and leave them alone.

“Hey, stud!” Sydney exclaimed in greeting to Ash. She wasn’t really going to continue the sex conversation with Ashlyn, but she wanted to make Ali sweat a little. 

“Hey...dude.” Ash answered. She felt like she was on the outside of an inside joke. She looked to Ali for some sort of explanation and Ali just shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“Baby, ignore her.” Ali instructed. She moved over a little to make room for her fiance to sit down next to her. 

Ash chose to lay down on the floor instead. Ashlyn stretched out on the floor, with her head resting on Ali’s thigh. Everyone was tired. The team had a short break and were waiting in a hallway for their next interview. Ashlyn decided to take advantage of the few minutes and try to get some sleep.

Ali loved watching Ashlyn sleep. She knew that the moment wouldn’t last long because of the crazy schedule they had, but she cherished every second of it. Ashlyn was usually the life of the party. She was sweet, strong, and passionate. Everyone had fun with her. Ali, however, was usually the only one to see Ashlyn’s quiet, more vulnerable side. The small example of this truth, through the act of Ash shutting out the world and using Ali’s lap as a pillow to find a moment of rest, made Ali smile. 

...

Both women were absolutely exhausted as they made their way home for a couple of days before the New York celebratory parade. They both slept the entire plane ride. Both were so deep in sleep a flight attendant had to wake them up after everyone else had exited the plane. 

Ali’s Dad picked them up from the airport and, though Ali attempted to stay awake and have a conversation with him, she fell asleep mid sentence. Ken flicked his eyes up to his rearview mirror and saw that his daughter’s fiance was spread across his backseat, slightly snoring. He couldn’t help but smile at his two favorite girls. 

After Ken unloaded the women’s luggage and carried it inside their house, he woke them up. 

“Love you girls.” He said. He gave them both a hug at the same time and said, “I’m very proud of you. Call me when you wake up and we can get dinner...” He thought better and added, “...or breakfast, or lunch tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Daddy.” Ali replied. She kissed his cheek and patted Ash on the back to signal that it was time to go inside and sleep in their own bed.

Ash silently said goodbye through a quick wave to her future father-in-law and led the way inside.

“It’s so good to be home.” Ali said through a yawn. Ash nodded in agreement and both women headed to their room and immediately fell asleep.

...

“Finally, we’re on vacation!” Ali cheered as the women arrived and settled into their bungalow suite. “Ash, this place is beautiful.” 

Ashlyn smiled as she unpacked her bag. She turned toward Ali and said, “Are you going to be up for a stroll on the beach later?”

Ali had an idea that Ash probably had something romantic planned. “Sure.” Ali answered. She was more than ready to go along with whatever Ash had prepared for them, but she needed to do one thing first. 

Ali sauntered toward Ashlyn. She slowly began to take off one article of clothes at a time. By the time she reached Ash she was completely naked. “Are you up to christening this bed before we go?” Ali asked in a seductive voice.

Ashlyn didn’t answer with words. She answered by kissing her, taking Ali’s bare frame in her arms, and laying her across the bed. Ash hovered over her and began to lay gentle kisses all over her body. 

Ashlyn was more than happy to push her plans back an hour to properly get acquainted with her fiance and their temporary living quarters.

...

That eveing Ashlyn took Ali for a scenic beachside walk. The two watched the sun set over the water. Ashlyn stopped and gazed at the horizon for a long moment before turning to face Ali.

“This was where I was going to propose to you.” Ash said. 

Ali’s face lit up in a gigantic smile. “It would have been beautiful.” She held her left hand up and took in the sparkling diamond on her finger.

Ashlyn had brought a backpack to carry their snacks, sunglasses, water, and extra clothing in case they got wet or cold. She unzipped the front pocket of the bag and pulled out a wooden box. 

“I got this for you.” Ash explained. The box was 3 inches wide on all sides and made out of a dark koa wood. Before Ashlyn opened it, she explained, “Remember when we were living in Germany? I brought the papers to sell the house.” 

Ali nodded. Those were not some of her best days. She had treated Ashlyn horribly.

“Well, do you remember what the therapist said after we finally agreed to speak to her? She said that people take different roads on their journey and that you and I needed to decide for ourselves if we wanted to keep walking together.”

“I remember.” Ali answered. A small smile was beginning to creep on her lips. She knew Ashlyn well, and had a feeling she knew where she was going with this.

“Well, after I had thought about whether the right thing for me to do was to wait for you or to walk away, I had realized that no matter where we are on our journey, all of my roads will lead to you...” Ashlyn opened up the beautiful box to reveal a gold compass. “This is a small reminder to you that I will always walk with you. I will always choose you....no matter where we are on our journey. No matter what we face, or how hard the road may be. I will always choose you.” 

After Ashlyn handed Ali her gift and showed her the inscription on the lid of the box that said, ‘All my roads lead to you.’ the couple shared an embrace and a kiss that could only be experienced by two people madly, deeply, and eternally in love.

“Ash...I don’t know what to say.” Ali said after several minutes of holding her fiance. 

“Alex, say you’ll marry me.” Ash replied. 

Ali didn’t understand the question. She had already said yes to marrying Ashlyn.

Ashlyn continued, “Alex, I was hoping that this could be our honeymoon.”

That got Ali’s attention. “Wait? What?!”

“Don’t freak out.” Ash answered. “I booked the honeymoon bungalow suite. I have a Polynesian holy man ready to go if you are.”

“What about our family and friends?” Ali asked. She knew her mother would not approve of being left out of the wedding planning. “My Mom will kill us.”

“She’ll never know.” Ash answered. “Look, I get it. If you don’t want to, I totally get it. But I was thinking why not have something that is just about us. We will still do the big wedding thing and have everyone there, but I’d love to have something that is private. No one else in the world needs to know. All I know Alex, is that I want to be your wife. I want to start forever with you as soon as possible.”

“Oh my God, Ashlyn.” Ali breathed out in response. She had to catch her breath. Her fiance had just taken it away.

“Babe, I know it’s crazy. And I will understand if you don’t want to, or if you’re not ready...”

Ali cut her off and answered, “I’m ready...”

“You are?” Ashlyn asked cautiously. She really didn’t want to pressure her into anything.

“Let’s get married!” Ali answered enthusiastically. 

“Are you sure? I know it’s not the most conventional thing to do.” Ash replied. “I don’t want to pressure you.”

“I love it, Ash. I love that it’s private and there’s no pressure to be or do anything we don’t want. It’s just about us.” Ali answered.

“Exactly.”

“It’s always only been about us...” Ali added thoughtfully. All of the drama and the insecurities seemed so meaningless and small in comparison to the huge moment they were sharing.

The couple got married the next evening as the sun set over the water. Both women looked more beautiful than any words could ever describe. 

...

Ashlyn and Ali eventually had their public wedding. Ash had to laugh every time someone asked her if she was nervous about taking the plunge into married life. She would often search for her wife in the room and smile uncontrollably. Everyone thought it was cute and meant that she was excited to marry the woman she loved. Ashlyn loved having a secret that only her and Ali shared. Everyone expected her to feel pressured about taking the next step with Ali, but she had already vowed to take all of her steps with her. 

...

“Ash, hurry up!” Ali yelled toward the kitchen of their house. Ali was looking out the window at their driveway. “Baby, she’s here!”

Ash hurried to join her wife of two years at their front door. “You ready?” Ash asked. 

Ali took a deep breath and nodded that she was. They welcomed in a middle aged woman named, Linda. She had been working with them to adopt a baby girl. Today was the day that they were going to make it official. 

Ali had picked out a special outfit for the little girl. She wanted everything to be perfect. Instead of meeting at the courthouse, she asked Linda to bring the child to the house so she could change her. 

Linda handed the baby to Ashlyn as Ali welcomed her in. 

“Ash, can you get her diaper bag out of the nursery?” Ali asked. She offered Linda a drink and they chatted about the coming adoption procedures. After a few minutes Ali checked her watch. Ashlyn was taking too long. She wondered if she was in over her head having to take care of the baby all by herself. 

“Will you excuse me for a moment while I check on my wife?” Ali asked. Linda waved her hand and nodded in understanding. She knew that having a new baby was a wonderful handful. 

Ali pushed the nursery door open and saw her wife standing over their soon-to-be daughter. She had her on the changing table and was talking to her as she changed her and put her in her special new outfit. 

“You’re my little girl. Do you know that? Do you know I’m your mother now?” Ashlyn whispered in amazement. The little girl cooed and chewed on her fingers in response. 

Ash continued, “Do you know that I love you? I would do anything for you and your Mommy.” Ashlyn finished changing her and picked her up in her arms. The child was so small compared to her. “I promise I will always protect you.” She added. “I will always believe in you and be here for you. Whenever you need me. Even when you think you’ve messed up and I’m mad at you. I will always love you and be here.” 

Ashlyn sealed her words with a kiss to the little girls chubby cheeks. The child smiled up at her. 

“She already loves you.” Ali said, making her presence known. “She’s smiling at you.”

Ashlyn’s face couldn’t hide the wonder she was feeling. “It’s probably just gas.” Ash joked. 

“No, I think she knows that you’re the best thing to happen to either of us.” Ali replied. The women shared a kiss with the baby and then each other. Ali took in the sight of Ashlyn holding their new addition and said, “All of my dreams have come true because of you.”

She looked down to her new little girl, and as the baby grabbed her finger with her little hand Ali said, “Welcome to the family Annabelle Kylie Krieger-Harris.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me. I hope you enjoyed the ride. 
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
